"Of Velvet, Forlorn" - pipTalk Forums

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chasing rain
Senior Member

since 2001-05-15

Posts 737
Canada

0 posted 2002-10-26 04:12 PM

She sits upon her velvet chair
Hidden 'gainst the painted wall
As minutes pass, forlorn and yearning
The distant bells have filled this hall.

Amid the mists that ring of silence
Amid the hearts of steal cold
She lies awake, in dreams of silver
She lies awake in fear of gold.

Her days are windows lost in light
Her nights are falling winter leaves
And though the seasons shift apart
She wipes the tears upon her sleeves.

She longs to breath the summer breeze
To pick the flowers grown of wild
And laugh beneath the setting fire
That burns her spirit of a child.

Amid the mists that ring of silence
Amid the souls that cry, forlorn
She lies awake in dreams of silver
She lies awake by velvet thorns.

* * * * *

Ooh, one stanza of happiness, and *counts* 1..2..3..4 stanzas of darkness! XD FOUR??? O.O JUST THINK OF THE TERRIBLE SYMBOLISM OF THAT EVIL HIDEOUS NUMBER! *perpetually disturbed*

*cough* Enjoy. ^^ IF THAT'S POSSIBLE! O_O;;;

-Leah

[This message has been edited by chasing rain (10-26-2002 08:08 PM).]

Morgana Le Fay
Junior Member

since 2002-10-25

Posts 22

1 posted 2002-10-26 06:28 PM

I started quoting some of my favourite lines, but there were just too many. I did enjoy it (its possible).

It was rich. Thanks for posting this.

- Jaime

by the woods, you hear it creeping, and you know, they're the blood in you

Android 17

Senior Member

since 2001-07-21

Posts 664
Winnipeg

2 posted 2002-10-26 09:10 PM

Leah,

It has been awhile since you've last poked your head around here. Nice to see you again.

Now about your peice-
I've noticed a very differnt composure in this peice, rather than the other stuff I've seen of yours. Personally, I'm not sure whether I like this "new" kind, or your "old". Either way, 'tis nice to see you around again! Hmmmm---and I'm not sure if it's just me, but I noticed some rhyming. Hehe---I was always a sucker for that stuff!

Caio! @-}

~ Alex-Lee

Tyhla du dra piyd uv so seht!

anonymousfemale
Member Elite

since 2000-02-02

Posts 2797
Limbo

3 posted 2002-10-27 07:45 AM

Beautifully written, Leah. I am most impressed. One thing though.

quote:
Her days are windows lost in light
Her nights are falling winter leaves
And though the seasons shift apart
She wipes the tears upon her sleeves.

I think you should change one of the 'Her' because it takes away from the rest of the doubleness (wow - so technical! lol) that you've got going on there. The rest of the piece is delightful with some striking images coming to mind. I like the title as well.

Oh and Alex you dumbass, it's ciao.

~AF~

Anti Lemming Crusader - Fight against the conformity!

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

4 posted 2002-10-27 12:14 PM

No, AF... don't even think about changing the two "her"s.  They are two contrastive lines... her nights bla bla, her days bla bla... ya know.

Very nicely done Leah.  You really mixed up a lot of opposites, with things like "velvet thorn" and "flowers grown in wild."  Kind of mixing around the themes of comfort and discomfort, beauty and chaos...

"Hearts of steal cold" bugs me.  Your meter was tossed right off on that line.

Loved the poem, though, Leah... great writing.

Learn to place poetry before people
Before you place your poetry before the people.
~Andrey Kneller

ljossberir
Member

since 2003-05-04

Posts 81
Ny, USA

5 posted 2003-05-09 12:19 PM

Though im not one for tight structure, this was excellent... as good as all the traditional poetry ive read... and powerful.
-matt

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