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ShadyMakaveli
Member

since 2002-08-21

Posts 128

0 posted 2002-10-26 02:58 AM

Only one thing mattered
My worlds been torn down
Heart played and shattered
From all sides spun around

Emotions running strong
Hesitant in my actions
Can't find where I belong
Trapped in fatal attractions

Feelings of another lost teen
Trying to face reality
Lonely I am, at nineteen
Left wondering why me

Now striving for change
Taking life in a new direction
Never to be the same
No longer accepting rejection

chasing rain
Senior Member

since 2001-05-15

Posts 737
Canada

1 posted 2002-10-26 03:17 PM

ShadyMakaveli-

I have this sudden urge to call you "Shady Mak". o_O;

'Tis a hard matter, this rejection, and yet we all face it, one time or another (unless we are all evil hideously successful! XD)

One critique:
Some of the lines I felt had either a weak meter, or the rhyme was weak. I'll give you an example of where this was apparent-

"Left wondering why me."

Here, 'me' is the weak word that makes the poem lose its strength. 'Me' usually isn't a good word to rhyme on a strong beat because it is naturally weak as a word. Eh, not a very explanation, but try saying it on a strong beat, and try saying it on a weak beat. Sounds better as a weak beat, yes? However, now that I think of it, I could be wrong. o_O; I think it's the meter that could also be messing up the line. *nods* Yes, it's the meter. All you really have to do is reword it. Either way, consider both points when rewording as it will help you make your word choices. ^_^

I'm not going to pick on every stanza, but look over it again and decide if the meter is exact. Poems also lose their strength when the meter is not consistant. oO;

Good luck! ^_^

-Leah

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

2 posted 2002-10-27 11:37 AM

Leah, you really should go to Meter School sometime... if you unstress the "me" in "why me," so that it sounds sorta like "blimey," you've said it completely wrong... "why me?" has both syllables stressed, because the "me" is emphasized in the statement.

You are somewhat correct though... the ending of a statement in two stressed syllables often weakens the impact of the final one. That's why the most effective meter forms only use one stressed syllable per foot.

Oh well... I still am going to call you Shady Mak from now on...

Liked this poem quite a bit, Mak... well done.

Parasite

Learn to place poetry before people
Before you place your poetry before the people.
~Andrey Kneller

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