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clumsy
Member

since 2002-10-10

Posts 106
canada.

0 posted 2002-10-24 01:48 PM

My voice is sore from singing
((All I want to do is kiss you))
I imagine your fingers, inside mine
((All I want to do I hold you))
And I'm not okay, even in the
Right sort of a light
((All I want to do is, sleep
With you tonight))
I'm forgetting how to live
Without you, I'm writing poetry
On school desks, wondering if
I'll live through today,
Wondering if I'll live at all
Through these next few days
These next few days where
I'm not in tune with anything but
Your smile that I don't get to see
Your voice that I won't get to hear
And I was sitting in vocal jazz
My fingers clutching the microphone
Trying to sing, notes, b-to-f-to-d
My other hand, digging into my skin
Waiting for the day to end
It's only 12:40pm,
And I'm waiting for the day to end.

Riley

Senior Member

since 2002-07-18

Posts 1038
in the pouring rain

1 posted 2002-10-24 10:19 PM

Hey

I am going to break this up and figure it out....here goes nothing

My voice is sore from singing
((All I want to do is kiss you))
I imagine your fingers, inside mine
((All I want to do I hold you))

First off, I just wanna say I think this poem might be able to with stand some line breaks. Back to this....first part, I like the thoughts in the (())....its almost like an after thought off what you first said.

And I'm not okay, even in the
Right sort of a light
((All I want to do is, sleep
With you tonight))
I'm forgetting how to live
Without you, I'm writing poetry

I am not sure if I liked the part about writing poetry, because this is poetry, but then again its ok....I don't think it flows right, but thats just me...

On school desks, wondering if
I'll live through today,
Wondering if I'll live at all
Through these next few days

Writing on schools desks???? Um......I'm tellin j/k sorry.....Ok I liked this, it pulled together pretty good, but punctuation, use it or don't....add some periods in there

These next few days where
I'm not in tune with anything but
Your smile that I don't get to see
Your voice that I won't get to hear
And I was sitting in vocal jazz
My fingers clutching the microphone
Trying to sing, notes, b-to-f-to-d

Sing, sing, sing.....cool, this is, whats the word, down to earth...its gives that teen point off view, while still poetically putting it through.

My other hand, digging into my skin
Waiting for the day to end
It's only 12:40pm,
And I'm waiting for the day to end.

I really like the time refrence put here. Its awesome, pulls the poem to an end. Maybe in the previous part you should say your fingers upon hand grips, ya know making it even with the whole hand thing, but I dunno. The ending might not be just right, maybe anxiously waiting for the day to end, maybe...but that sounds good too.

Overall good write....

, awaiting more

Riley

~*I'm not gonna say I'm gorgeous, that for you to decide, if you really wanna know me, see the world through my eyes*~

Child of the Stars

Senior Member

since 2000-09-07

Posts 1658
Ann Arbor, MI

2 posted 2002-10-25 09:31 AM

This is probably the most moving poem I've read today, yesterday, the past few yesterdays. You don't shade your feelings in anything..they're just there. You're there. And I'm here, almost crying, marveling at the stark..emotion, I guess..though that cuts it down a bit...It's going into my library.

One suggestion though...

((All I want to do is, sleep
With you tonight))

I'd take out that comma, 'cause it takes away the two interpretations that could be there...and I just think I (err, the reader I mean, I swear

) could connect with it more if the comma weren't there. So..enough ranting.

Thank you for posting this.

~Carly

"My own eyes are not enough for me; I will see through a thousand and yet remain myself..."
~C.S. Lewis

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

3 posted 2002-10-25 12:42 PM

Excellent writing, Clumsy. I could really feel the raw emotional power of this piece while I was reading it... it seems as though the speaker is addressing herself in the poem in so many places, simply by the way things are worded. Like the ending, for example... the last three lines seemed to state something, and then respond to the statement...

I don't know... but the way you wrote this really made it shine. One of your best, for sure, Clumsy. Very much enjoyed.

Parasite

Learn to place poetry before people
Before you place your poetry before the people.
~Andrey Kneller

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

4 posted 2002-10-25 07:04 PM

I thought the poem was pretty good. The only thing I didn't agree on was the B-F-and D notes. I don't think those would sound good together hehe.
Anyhow, nicely done.

This post has been brought to you by the 'Totally Awesome Society of Puerto Rican Egotistical Sexy Men'.

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