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SuperSonic
Junior Member

since 2002-10-17

Posts 16
Northern Ireland

0 posted 2002-10-24 08:11 AM

Below is my second poem posted here. Its pretty dark, but I like it. Enjoy!

Why?

Disappearing into the abyss
A shattered mirror left in his place
His hopes, his dreams, his one chance of bliss
Broken shards of a better tomorrow embedded in his face

What did I do wrong?
Why am I made to feel this way?
Taking everything far too long
An eternity of pain, in just one day

Fleeting memories of happiness
Washed away by years of pain
A tortured soul, a child in distress
Silent screams still sound the same

Trying to hide
Out of sight, out of mind
No ego, no pride
Trying to leave hate behind

Used by the many
Cared for by few
Unwanted by any
Unnoticed by you

Innocent eyes
Stare with disgust
Everyone dies
No need for trust

No rest in sleep
Tormented when dreaming
The cuts are too deep
The faces still screaming

Reality’s slave
Hatred’s host
Peace in the grave
Just another restless ghost

Riley

Senior Member

since 2002-07-18

Posts 1038
in the pouring rain

1 posted 2002-10-24 08:14 AM

Hi

Ok, good job on this...I think you were right is it a little on the dark side * spooky *

But anyways....I really liked the word choice in this....it made it make sense.

My favorite stanza was the first one. It was really strong. Then, or so it seemed to me, that you let up just a little, just a little. But I guess that is just me....Otherwise...good write...keep writin!!!

Ri

~*I'm not gonna say I'm gorgeous, that for you to decide, if you really wanna know me, see the world through my eyes*~

SuperSonic
Junior Member

since 2002-10-17

Posts 16
Northern Ireland

2 posted 2002-10-24 08:19 AM

Thanks for your reply. I was in a pretty fragile frame of mind when I wrote this, so it reflects how I felt. I'm sorry about it being so dark, thats just how I am. I like the first stanza a lot too. Its possibly my favourite out of all my poems. Thanks again!

NSnaomian
Member

since 2002-07-22

Posts 232
In my troll closet I be

3 posted 2002-10-24 06:26 PM

This was not bad! Not bad at all. I really enjoyed reading it and like Ri I like the words you chose as well. I will definitely look forward to seeing more of your work.
How exciting! Welcome from me to you.
Laura~

Real friends are those who, when you feel you've made a fool of yourself, don't feel you've done a permanent job.

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

4 posted 2002-10-25 10:57 AM

I also enjoyed this. It's dark, but not pitch dark... you keep it ponderous enough to make it an easy read, while still having that certain "spooky" quality, as Riley put it...

I like "faces still screaming." That's nuts.

Parasite

Learn to place poetry before people
Before you place your poetry before the people.
~Andrey Kneller

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

5 posted 2002-10-25 07:44 PM

I really really liked this poem. The style and scheme is very well through out.
This impressed me, to say the least.

This post has been brought to you by the 'Totally Awesome Society of Puerto Rican Egotistical Sexy Men'.

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