»
Archives
»
Teen Poetry #6
»
In Silent Weep - A Villanelle
| Teen Poetry #6 |
|
In Silent Weep - A Villanelle |
|
|
vlraynes Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-25
Posts 8229Somewhere... out there... 
|
~*In Silent Weep*~ A muse is dead and buried deep No ink will flow in verse this day A poet sits in silent weep The sun is lost in shadow's keep The sky once blue now hints of gray A muse is dead and buried deep Harsh winds of loss through windows seep Dishevelled heart fills with dismay A poet sits in silent weep The tiny frog has lost his leap The birds are hushed and fly away A muse is dead and buried deep With inspiration fast asleep Poetic verse has gone astray A poet sits in silent weep 'Tis life we sow but death we reap Sweet flowers wilt to dead bouquet A muse is dead and buried deep A poet sits in silent weep ~vlraynes "...until you have read the verse on his heart, you have not truly met the poet. ~vlraynes [This message has been edited by vlraynes (10-22-2002 02:53 AM).] |
||
| © Copyright 2002 Vicky L. Raynes - All Rights Reserved | |||
Android 17
since 2001-07-21
Posts 664Winnipeg |
Hehe---it looks like in your feeling uninspired, you actually found inspiration. Hmmmmm...but I think it may be deeper than that. Sounds like you were feeling really down. I'm not too familiar with your work, so I can't comment anymore. (Other than to say it was well done! :P) E muja oui, "Hyweyr". Pavune E lyh raym ouin byeh, E ryja du kad ujan so ufh... |
||
Marshalzu 
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking |
I just love Villanelles and this is no exception, you managed to keep the repeated lines fresh and the theme was great, I really enjoyed this thank you for sharing it  Andrew |
||
|
Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
Oh Vicky... how dare you post a Villanelle and then force me to discover you don't have a critique flag...  I'll get over it, breathe Brian... Heh... anyways... beating the muse out of its shelter by taunting it is often a good way to produce subject matter for a poem. You've done rather well in here, I liked the parallel you drew between yourself and the tiny frog. I love FROGS. Oh, and iambic tetrameter... always a wicked choice for a villanelle, makes it flow more evenly. Nice work Vicks. Parasite Learn to place poetry before people Before you place your poetry before the people. ~Andrey Kneller [This message has been edited by Local Parasite (10-22-2002 10:02 AM).] |
||
|
SEA
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 2000-01-18
Posts 22676with you |
Vicky~ this is very cool, I have yet to attempt one of these... |
||
|
Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
I read it nice and slow and consumed every morsel of poetic goodness that I could.  I enjoyed this poem V. Very well written.  This post has been brought to you by the 'Totally Awesome Society of Puerto Rican Egotistical Sexy Men'. |
||
|
LoveBug
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-01-08
Posts 4697 |
Mmm, villianelles. Really takes me back. This is a wonderful piece... this form isn't easy to do, but you did it really well. We all have 'dry spells', but it seems to me that you're about to come out of yours. Best of luck, my friend!! Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us. |
||
|
Marshalzu
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking |
Just putting it in my libary |
||
|
vlraynes Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-25
Posts 8229Somewhere... out there... |
Okay, first of all, I should probably let you all know that this isn't new. I wrote this quite awhile ago, and my muse is still in hiding. I want her back! Alex...yes, I was pretty down when I wrote this, because I so desperately wanted my muse back. I have a 'need' to write, so it's depressing when I'm not able to. Thanks for reading and for the kind words. Andrew...thanks so much for reading. I'm glad you enjoyed this one, and thanks for adding it to your library. Brian...LOL...I just KNEW you'd be wanting to critique this one. I'll tell you what. If you promise to not be too hard on me, I'll let you give me a critique...just this once..lol. *wonders if she'll regret this later* I really am glad that you enjoyed this one. Thanks for reading it, and I'll be watching for your return to the thread. SEA...thanks much, my friend. Glad you enjoyed this one. You should give it a try. Javier...thank you for the kind words, my friend. Really glad you enjoyed this. Erica...villanelles are definately challenging, but fun too. Glad you like this one. Thanks for reading, my friend. Thanks, again, to everyone for the kind comments. Smiles and hugs to all of you.  ~Vicky "...until you have read the verse on his heart, you have not truly met the poet. ~vlraynes [This message has been edited by vlraynes (10-24-2002 09:56 PM).] |
||
|
Skyfire
since 2000-12-27
Posts 3381Riding |
Vicky... I came, I read, and I loved it I think you should write about ferrets now I'm so cute! |
||
|
quietlydying
since 2001-06-10
Posts 935the wonderful land of oz |
sometimes we all need a little break from our muse. you did see that horrible movie they made about it, right? it will be back. just try and enjoy your break.  oh, and excellent work vicky. i thouroughly enjoyed it. /jen/ what if they gave a war, and nobody came... |
||
|
quietlydying
since 2001-06-10
Posts 935the wonderful land of oz |
oh and a quick little game of haiku see you always does help find their little hiding spots.  or so it does for me. heh. /jen/ what if they gave a war, and nobody came... |
||
|
Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
You want a critique? Well I only thought of a few lines that really bothered me. Honestly, this is a rather error-free poem...quote: So you're trying to say "this day," because you're referring to this day in particular. But the meter makes me say it so that it sounds similar to "the stay." The emphasis is taken a bit too much off of "this" according to the meter, and it bothered me a little bit. Not a lot, just a tad... quote: Same deal, it's all about the stresses... "harsh winds" makes the reader want to stress both "harsh" and "winds." That's the trick with iambic meter... if you start a line with a one-syllable word that's an adjective, or a noun... it tends to be stressed naturally. You don't want your meter to tell people how to stress their words... you want the reader's natural stresses to coincide with the flow of the poem. Same thing with "sweet flowers." Okay, enough about structure... I'm going to move onto content. I hate to say it, but I was bothered by your alternation between a theme of death, and a theme of simple departure. You say "a muse is dead and buried deep," as though it is finalized... no more muse. But you contradict it with things like "poetic verse has gone astray," which suggests it's just off on an adventure... or "with inspiration fast asleep," which suggests it's just napping... I think you confused your theme a little bit there... the implications of it being "dead and buried deep" seem to go against "hushed and fly away." Well, that's about everything I have to critique. Everything else is well done, and I still did love reading this piece. Don't worry about it, Vicks... your muse hasn't died, she's just napping. Parasite |
||
|
dgvarner Member Elite
since 2000-05-13
Posts 3552High Springs, Florida |
i dunno...i like it... something about it reminds me of birds...wasnt there a famous poem about "on yonder window.. something-or-another..." the bird perched on the window...LOL ack!! it was a creepy poem...lol ???? do you know it?? anyway..miss 'muse-away'...*lol*...aw jeez..i need to go to bed! ....cool poem... hugs, g "dont cry because its over, smile because it happened...!" -unknown |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
