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EleanorMoonbaby
Member

since 2002-09-02

Posts 202
England, UK

0 posted 2002-10-20 10:55 AM

(Verse one)
You took her hand and watched my plane come crashing down
I thought you would at least help me up but you left me on the ground
I know where I'm not wanted, guess I'd better go and hide
But I can't help wondering if you feel anything at all inside

(Bridge)
Take my hand
Hold me tight
I just want you there
Pray for me
Cry for me
Let me know you care....

(Chorus)
You brought the sky down with such incredible force
And then you walked off smiling without any remorse
What did I mean to you, was I anything at all
When you left me in theis broken land and everything started to fall.

(Verse two)
Why are you so damn happy, why can't you grieve like me
You're blind to all this sadness and I wish I couldn't see
The new love of your life is pretty much everything I'm not
I'll always be sat here as the girl that you forgot

(Bridge and chorus)

I'll bottle your tears, bottle your soul
Preserve you for all time
The nearest thing that I could have
To your body next to mine

(Chorus)

"Last night, I had a dream that I went to the doctors, and she gave me eight minutes to live. I'd spent thirty minutes in the [edited by moderator] waiting room"- S

[This message has been edited by quietlydying (10-20-2002 07:20 PM).]

NSnaomian
Member

since 2002-07-22

Posts 232
In my troll closet I be

1 posted 2002-10-20 11:18 AM

I really like this and imagine it would make a great song. What bothers me is that I don't know the tune that goes along with it, the sad thing is..I've been sitting here for about 5 minutes thinking of a tune that would go with it. Hehe, oh well. I'm not much of one to critique b/c I'm a new writer and still working on my skills so I think I'll keep it at that. =-)
I love it.
~Laura~

dinky
Member

since 2002-10-19

Posts 258

2 posted 2002-10-20 01:25 PM

i really really like this song and i too was trying to figure out what the tune would be
but it was a good song even w/o knowing the tune

EleanorMoonbaby
Member

since 2002-09-02

Posts 202
England, UK

3 posted 2002-10-20 02:51 PM

Well, I have some guitar chords for it, email me if you want them! Thankies!
Ellie

"Last night, I had a dream that I went to the doctors, and she gave me eight minutes to live. I'd spent thirty minutes in the [edited by moderator] waiting room"- S

[This message has been edited by quietlydying (10-20-2002 07:21 PM).]

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

4 posted 2002-10-21 10:41 AM

OH you play guitar? Meeeee toooooo. I've written tons of songs. Lately my style of writing derives from me, and a bit of Chino from the Deftones.
Anyhow, well done on this one. I liked it.
Which chords do you use?

This post has been brought to you by the 'Totally Awesome Society of Puerto Rican Egotistical Sexy Men'.

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

5 posted 2002-10-21 12:46 PM

Ellie - email me the chords too? I'd love to see what music goes with this poem...

I also spent some time trying to figure out a little tune to go with the way the words were sung.

I liked a lot of this but the bridge is a bit tacky and unoriginal. I think you could have revised it a bit to make it sound like you put more effort into it... you know what I mean?

Oh, and I love your critique message.

Parasite

Learn to place poetry before people
Before you place your poetry before the people.
~Andrey Kneller

clumsy
Member

since 2002-10-10

Posts 106
canada.

6 posted 2002-10-21 01:23 PM

beaaaauuutiiiiiifuuuuuul.

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