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Teen Poetry #6
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Grocery Shopping
| Teen Poetry #6 |
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Grocery Shopping |
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Obsolete Junior Member
since 2003-06-27
Posts 43 |
At the grocery store you shopped, money for only the necessities Each aisle labeled, their respective products they carry You stop between two aisles, examining the contents of each The first is where I reside, the sugar needed to complete the cake On the second is the salt, an ingredient you chose last time The same ingredient, that ruined your recipe With little thought, you pickup the salt... [This message has been edited by Obsolete (08-21-2003 02:23 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2003 Obsolete - All Rights Reserved | |||
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BabieDoll Member
since 2003-02-13
Posts 268BFE |
Extremely good metaphorical poem, Obsolete. Only one suggestion from me with the very last 2 lines...I think that it would be better if you seperated the last 2 lines from the rest of the poem. At first you're talking about the choices and the mistakes he made before, then you jump right into the decision...I think a break would be good. But that's only my opinion. GREAT write! ~J.Lynn  "In life you must dance like no one is watching, sing like no one is listening and love like it's never going to hurt..." |
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Obsolete Junior Member
since 2003-06-27
Posts 43 |
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Jaime
Registered
MemberPosts 250 |
I could see a sort of expansion yet I also liked it just the way it is. Cursed indecisiveness. I like the metaphor... and I like how it's kept simple. You didn't try to give me a headache or anything. High five. jaime. the faeries creep into my hair at night leaving it in terrible knots |
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Lexy Senior Member
since 2003-01-28
Posts 1038California |
Nicely done. Extremely entertaining. So creative..that's what I love. ~Lex |
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