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Teen Poetry #6

Heaven On Earth

wicka_basket
Junior Member

since 2003-08-11

Posts 12

0 posted 2003-08-11 11:17 PM

There is a place i go When i want my peace to cry
Becasue life is unfair, And i need to hide
I sit down by myself,
It reminds me of you,
Somtimes i hold my hands together,
And wish you were there too!
Everybody lives,
And everybody dies,
But as i look to the water
I dont understand why?.
All i can here there
Are the whispers of the sea,
I belive those whispers
Are the whispers of you and me!
And as i look to the sky
With the patterns of the white,
I see our faces,
Weather it day, or it night!

wvplayernotreally
Member

since 2002-11-06

Posts 215
yakima wa

1 posted 2003-08-12 01:59 PM

Great read/write. I think you could make this longer. I would love to see that.

" I think I got a tan from the light in which i was basking."

sixington
Member

since 2003-07-14

Posts 53
Utah

2 posted 2003-08-12 02:24 PM

Wow. This has such good imagery. Nice write. I liked your rhythm too. nicely done!

OtherSideOfTheMirror
Member

since 2002-12-19

Posts 245

3 posted 2003-08-12 04:17 PM

wow i liked that all right as far as wording... the first two lines could be broken into four lines and the punctuation i think could be different, i think the "!" disturbed the flow a little but maybe thats just the emphasis i put with them in my head... good write

~cassiopeia

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