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| Teen Poetry #6 |
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BabieDoll Member
since 2003-02-13
Posts 268BFE 
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Why can’t you see that I love you? Why can’t you know that with every breath You are reborn in my mind? Why can’t you let yourself fall into the depths Of this heart that is yearning to be Conjoined with yours? I don’t understand. Do you no longer see the girl you once adored? Do you no longer feel the intensity you once felt? Why can’t it be like it was before? We were carefree and full of life, Loving and being loved in return And taking in every moment together that we could. Now, we seem like strangers Two beings living under the same roof With our hearts somewhere not to be found. Two strangers that sleep in the same bed And no longer acknowledge the other’s presence. Hurtful things have broken our path And led to the destruction of everything we’ve worked for. Why can’t love help us make it through? Because, sometimes love isn’t that strong...* "In life you must dance like no one is watching, sing like no one is listening and love like it's never going to hurt..." [This message has been edited by BabieDoll (07-22-2003 11:27 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2003 J.Lynn - All Rights Reserved | |||
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peachesNcream Senior Member
since 2001-08-21
Posts 513Ocean Of Tears |
Wow Jenn! This was REALLY good. I esp. like the last two lines, they hit me pretty hard. Good job! ~Jess  "If I could give you one gift it would be my eyes...So you could see how it feels to be me looking at you." -Unknown |
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Lexy Senior Member
since 2003-01-28
Posts 1038California |
The begining felt strong to me. I liked it, the middle was so-so a little weak at parts, but the end, the last line made the poem for me. Great job. did you mean to "you know longer see, or you no longer see"? if you meant it as know..thats a really cool play on words.  Keep it up.. ~Lex.. |
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dertah Senior Member
since 2003-06-18
Posts 584 |
aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, it happens again. i swear theyre out there to get me. i cant turn my back anymore. i must live with this..*hurl, hack, cough...* excellent write. sorry about everything else above. |
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Silent Evincar Member
since 2003-07-22
Posts 179Here There and Places Between |
I've always asked if Love was strong enough for anything and be it as it may. Nothing has come out to be positive, well it won't happen to me! |
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AngelShell Member
since 2000-03-01
Posts 446not heaven nor hell so... |
This was very well crafted. It flowed nicely from one image to another and the varied line lengths did a nice job to continue the rhythm without making it monotonous. Gramatically speaking it was tight and concrete. Well done. ~I haven't memorized all of the cute things to say but I'm working on it~ |
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PoetryIsLife 
since 2001-10-27
Posts 1763...in my boxers... |
Hi Jenn.  I enjoyed this poem, it has a lot of emotion and yearning in it. My only suggestions might be concerning the layout of the poem... otherwise, nicely done.  "Why can’t you see that I love you? Why can’t you know that with every breath You are reborn in my mind? Why can’t you let yourself fall into the depths Of this heart that is yearning to be knit* with yours? I don’t understand. Do you no longer see the girl you once adored? Do you no longer feel the intensity you once felt? Why can’t it be like it was before? We were carefree and full of life, Loving and being loved in return And taking in every moment together that we could. Now, we seem like strangers Two beings living under the same roof With our hearts somewhere not to be found. Two strangers that sleep in the same bed And no longer acknowledge the other’s presence. Hurtful things have broken our path And led to the destruction of everything we’ve worked for. Why can’t love help us make it through? Is love unable? Is love lacking strength?" I don't know, something like that.... Basically, I would put stanza breaks in it. I feel pauses add to the power of a poem, when it's this length and above. I love short poems (look at my current "Scars on the Sky" repost) but when you get to this length, pauses seem neccessary to give the reader a break to think and understand your emotions. I might also work on the ending. Ending a poem with answering your own question takes away from the poem a bit, IMHO. ~Titus  The few. The proud. The Marines. [This message has been edited by PoetryIsLife (07-22-2003 02:25 PM).] |
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PoetryIsLife
since 2001-10-27
Posts 1763...in my boxers... |
Or maybe something like: "Why can’t you see that I love you? Why can’t you know that with every breath You are reborn in my mind? Why can’t you let yourself fall into the depths Of this heart that is yearning to be knit* with yours? I don’t understand. Do you no longer see the girl you once adored? Do you no longer feel the intensity you once felt? Why can’t it be like it was before? We were carefree and full of life, Loving and being loved in return And taking in every moment together that we could. Now, we seem like strangers Two beings living under the same roof With our hearts somewhere not to be found. Two strangers that sleep in the same bed And no longer acknowledge the other’s presence. Hurtful things have broken our path And led to the destruction of everything we’ve worked for. Why can’t love help us make it through? Is love unable? Is love lacking strength?" The few. The proud. The Marines. |
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EleanorMoonbaby Member
since 2002-09-02
Posts 202England, UK |
I thought it was one of those love poems that was a little hard-hitting, but the overall tone was quite sweet. A sort of naivety. Mind you, that's just my interpretation. Nice write. Ellie  I'm not dead, OK? I'm just a little electroencephalographically challenged! |
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