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PeaceInEverything
Junior Member

since 2002-10-06

Posts 31
Ohio, United States

0 posted 2002-10-14 07:36 PM

Can't be Open
----------------

When I Smile, I Lie.
When I Laugh, I Lie.
When I Think, I Cry.
When I Lie I die,
A little more each time.
Openness is a Crime.
Instead I choose to Rhyme.
So I do not Lie.

Riley

Senior Member

since 2002-07-18

Posts 1038
in the pouring rain

1 posted 2002-10-14 07:49 PM

Love the critique message....plus...this made a little bit of sense, not much a little. Think about not rhyming....it sets free the poem, not to many restrictions!
Riley

~* Love humiliates you, hatered cradles you-White Olender *~

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

2 posted 2002-10-14 11:41 PM

I think you should rhyme less... but I know what you were trying to do in this poem. Pick easier rhymes than "time" if you want a bit of creative control over your poem.

Trust me.

Parasite

Learn to place poetry before people
Before you place your poetry before the people.
~Andrey Kneller

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

3 posted 2002-10-16 04:19 PM

Not my favorite poem from you, but it was nonetheless nice. I liked it, and await more works from you.

This post has been brought to you by the 'Totally Awesome Society of Puerto Rican Egotistical Sexy Men'.

vlraynes
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-25

Posts 8229
Somewhere... out there...

4 posted 2002-10-21 02:36 PM

PeaceInEverything~
I enjoyed reading this.
I thought the use of excessive rhyming helped
to get your message across in this piece.
Well done.
~Vicky

"...until you have read the verse on his heart,
you have not truly met the poet.
~vlraynes

Jester
Junior Member

since 2002-08-13

Posts 41
The dark corners of your mind

5 posted 2002-10-21 05:40 PM

Awww...this made me really said for some reason. I think it was the fact that laughing and smiling made you lie and lying made you dying.. Therefore smiles and laughter are your death. Very said...I think that the rhyme helped get your message across but it would have probably been a little more creative had you chosen not to rhyme the whole thing. Thanx for the read.
Jester

I am your God, will you kill me now or shall I be continually suicidal?

ShadyMakaveli
Member

since 2002-08-21

Posts 128

6 posted 2002-10-21 09:06 PM

I liked the realism of this poem, cause so many people hide behind false emotions, good work, keep it up.

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