Forbidden Love (revised) (hints?)

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Teen Poetry #6

Forbidden Love (revised) (hints?)

lil cherry
Member

since 2002-10-02

Posts 86
Ont, Can.

0 posted 2003-06-21 11:32 PM

i'd like to start off by pointing out that i'm not exactly happy about having to edit my poem to take out a line that i really liked, but for the sake of wanting hints on this poem, i will do it.

I'm as sharp as the razor glistening in the moonlight
I'm as dark as the blood pumping through your veins
I am your worst nightmare

I’m as cold as your hands right after you’ve been drained
As pale as your face, almost lifeless
I am your best friend

I’m as dead as your black heart
As alive as the pain inside you
I am your dark secret

I rip you apart from the inside
I eat away at your soul
I am your desire

I control you
I am your pain
I am your fear

I’ve locked your heart away
Never to be seen or felt again
No one can melt your frozen exterior

I’m as frightening as the scars that plague your flesh
I’m as deceptive as the lies you tell
I am your forbidden love

SEA

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 2000-01-18

Posts 22676
with you

1 posted 2003-06-21 11:47 PM

I know you are unhappy about changing that line, but honestly, I love the way you changed it! It works so much better. and thanks

Kandi
Member

since 2000-06-14

Posts 354
North of Hell

2 posted 2003-06-22 12:33 PM

Wow...I've never read any of your work before and by the title I was expecting another teenage-romance-gone-wrong drama. So I was very surprised and VERY impressed with what I got. That was absolutely chilling and beautiful...I'd critique but I loved it the way it is. And I'd like to see it in its original form so if you don't mind, email the pre-edited version to me:
[email protected]
Amazing job

The day you were born, you were born free
That is your privilege.

lil cherry
Member

since 2002-10-02

Posts 86
Ont, Can.

3 posted 2003-06-23 12:26 PM

the original is on my website, as well as some other cool ones, and my stories, and a journal and stuff like that.
http://myweb.ecomplanet.com/VOWL2421/

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