Over Your Head (this one means a lot to me)

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Kandi
Member

since 2000-06-14

Posts 354
North of Hell

0 posted 2003-06-21 11:18 PM

Above you, I stir restlessly.
As you turn off your lights,
my heavy footsteps announce to your ceiling
that I am wide awake again.
A silent curse for every floorboard creak.
You're losing sleep because
I'm over your head.

The washing machine is beyond me,
and you're stuck running the dishwasher
because I'm out running with whatever innocence
I still have.
Upstairs, the fruits of last month's paycheck
line my floor like a maze for your sanity.
You're losing patience because
I'm a mess.

You sacrifice and save to fund
my immature existence but mature intelligence.
College loans replace a family vacation,
and there's no new car this year.
Payback comes slow because of my
time-consuming accomplishments -
my 2-days-a-week job can't cover the cost
of your love.
Your affections decline
along with your bank account.
You're losing interest because
I'm a child...
I'm your child.
I'm a mess.
And I'm over your head.

[This message has been edited by Kandi (06-21-2003 11:22 PM).]

lil cherry
Member

since 2002-10-02

Posts 86
Ont, Can.

1 posted 2003-06-22 12:00 PM

I really liked this poem, it kept my attention the whole way through, very good write.
~~*lil cherry*~~

Lexy
Senior Member

since 2003-01-28

Posts 1038
California

2 posted 2003-06-22 02:01 AM

incredible job. Very realistic, I like how you incorperated real life objects such as a dishwasher, washing machine ,bills... with metophors. It was a very unquie approach. It was one of the best I've read in a while, honestly! very well done.
~Lexy

Keep it up.

rapturedmist
Junior Member

since 2003-06-23

Posts 30
USA

3 posted 2003-06-23 04:39 AM

interesting style. It had my interest all the way through. Very nice

-RM

WinterWren
Senior Member

since 2002-12-01

Posts 1044
...Coming to

4 posted 2003-06-23 07:20 PM

This was a very sad, powerful piece.
I liked this one alot,
well done.
Thanks for the read.

WinterWren
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

WindSong
Member

since 2002-12-23

Posts 313
Long Island, New York

5 posted 2003-06-23 08:46 PM

This is was very very touching. Peace.

"Many a false step is made by standing still." -Chinese Fortune Cookie

chasing rain
Senior Member

since 2001-05-15

Posts 737
Canada

6 posted 2003-06-23 10:08 PM

Kandi-

It's a very well written piece of work. I enjoyed the style in which you wrote, and I thought the flow was relatively good. I felt this one, I really did. I honestly think you have potential as a modern poet.

What's that supposed to mean? Mm...not sure. Define it for me.

-Leah

Song_for_Serenity
Member

since 2003-05-28

Posts 97
USA

7 posted 2003-07-07 10:37 AM

Hey there! First of all, thank you for your reply. Secondly, this was a beautiful poem. I really liked it a lot. The topic was really original too. I haven't seen any poems like this on here before. I'm adding this to my library. Anyhoo, have a spiffy day!

~Angela
"Anything less than mad, passionate love is wasting your time...Life has too many mediocre things in it, love shouldn't be one of them..."

dertah
Senior Member

since 2003-06-18

Posts 584

8 posted 2003-07-07 01:05 PM

very nice work here. original and beautiful.

Lexy
Senior Member

since 2003-01-28

Posts 1038
California

9 posted 2003-07-08 12:05 PM

I already commented, but I love it so much I shall put it in my library...I guess it took me a second reading to realize that..
excellant write..again.

Kandi
Member

since 2000-06-14

Posts 354
North of Hell

10 posted 2003-07-08 10:50 AM

Really guys, thank you so much. It means a lot.
Kay

Just wanna be funny,looks like the joke's on me.
So call me Captain Backfire.

Jennis#1
Member

since 2003-07-08

Posts 112
IL, Usa

11 posted 2003-07-09 04:27 PM

Hi Kay,

I loved reading this poem. It is a great masterpiece.
I hope to read more of your work.
Keep on writing more poems.

perseph1ne
Junior Member

since 2003-07-09

Posts 16
IL

12 posted 2003-07-09 09:55 PM

This is wonderful. I think you somehow managed to capture the teen view and parent view without making either sound 'right' or 'wrong'. I could really feel both characters. Great job.

perseph1ne

"Words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by mankind."
-- Rudyard Kipling

Jaime

Registered

Member
Posts 250

13 posted 2003-07-09 11:00 PM

I wish I could give you a critique because I know you will accept it much better than an honest compliment from me, but I have no complaints... I love this poem.

the faeries creep into my hair at night leaving it in terrible knots

T-Bird
Junior Member

since 2003-07-02

Posts 17
Washington, United States

14 posted 2003-07-10 01:52 PM

I really enjoyed reading it. It kept my attention the whole time. i loved it.

*Belabebeautiful*

Senior Member

since 2003-01-03

Posts 696
washington, USA

15 posted 2003-07-10 10:47 PM

awww...sad and..heartwrenching almost but such a real situation. I especailly loved the part about insomnia, I really know that one and so do my parents! I thought you did a fabulous job at mixing real things and metaphors together it worked so beautifully and the end result was stunning.
~Live and Laugh~

The problem with resisting temptation is you never know if you'll get the chance again
~Bella~

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