because of a kiss - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

gorJess
Junior Member

since 2003-03-24

Posts 15
new zealand

0 posted 2003-06-17 05:34 AM

lying here in my bed, not being able 2 get u outta my head
i dont no y i like u, i barely no u, just somets bout u, tht makes me feel how i do
i was gutted wen i herd bout u n some chic, my thoughts thinking " i wasnt ur tru pick"
yet all was wrong, i had u again till i screwed things up all the same
the kiss was meaningless, i dont no y i did it, i dont even like him, not a single bit
if id realised the trouble tht 1 second faced, id turn back time, everything erased
i dont no wot 2 do, i dont hav the nerves, ur still talking 2 me, prolly all i deserve
lying seemed the best thing 2 do, if i had the slimest chance of keeping u
admitting it would finalise it all, i cared so much i gave u a call
had no idea wot 2 do or say, i was crying b4 hand but come wot may
i learn from mistakes, no matter where they lead
they r only made once, and learning? i succeed
if only u cod 4give me and c if we were ment 2 b
the holidays r ahead, wanna give us another go? now i either get ova u or the real u i get 2 no
if ur answers no u must tell me, im holding on2 hope but the truth i want 2 c
u hav 2 no 4 sure, dont give me ne maybes, just follow ur heart and c where it leads
all im asking of u now, is 2 show how u feel about me somehow
4give me, put the past behind, give us another go and c wot ull find

kadafi09
Member

since 2003-06-17

Posts 143
California, United States

1 posted 2003-06-17 09:51 PM

nice rythm and rhyme scheme, it made me think of my ex girlfriend

BrokenDreams
Member

since 2003-02-09

Posts 425
In The Clouds

2 posted 2003-06-19 11:09 PM

I like the poem but I think that all the typographical errors and slang kind of took away from it. At the least they were quite distracting. Other than that, it seemed to flow well.
-Jen

If you listen hard enough silence can mean more than words.

blueyedlioness
Member

since 2003-04-24

Posts 289
USA

3 posted 2003-06-21 12:50 PM

First, let me say that the theme, the basic format, the rhyme scheme, the flow... all of that stuff was rather well done.

However, it took me forever to read it just because of having to figure out all the "2"s and "4"s and "u"s. There's a place for slang and IM language, but, in my opinion, poetry isn't it.

I would love to see this edited with the spelling and grammar fixed... and all the words completely written out.

Keep writing, girl... you have talent, now you just need practice... as we all do.

-Lioness

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.