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gorJess
Junior Member

since 2003-03-24

Posts 15
new zealand

0 posted 2003-06-17 05:30 AM

u wanted 2 no wots on my mind, i dont no wot im trying 2 find
i cant get u outta my head, altho i belive the words i spoke shod defenetly have been sed
i have so many thoughts of u strolling aimlessly round my brain,
i wanna get things straight and stop playing this game
i remeber everything bout u, 2 the 1st smallest detail, and i will 4 some time without ne fail
its the little things u do, tht make me fall 4 u
u kiss me softly on my ear, ur quiet breathing is all i wanna hear
tht nite we watched videos seemed so tru, not a care in the world, just me and u
y wen im not with u i want 2 b? yet wen i am im blind 2 c
we just dont wrk wen we r a couple, i tend 2 get in 2 much trouble
it seems strange 2 b far away from u, wen i no how close we ve been
i h8 the way ppl judge me, y must they b so mean?
y cant they stay outta our buisness, obviously dont want lonliness 2 b somets i miss
the thing tht annoys me most, woteva she may stir
my subconcious is always telling me " he'll neva truely pick u ova her"
so many problems ive had 2 go thru, 2 get wot i want, 2 just get u
u need 2 tell me how u feel, so i will find someway 2 deal
things neva turn out the way u want them 2, a good example: me and u

LegalSecret69
Member

since 2003-06-04

Posts 69
Virginia

1 posted 2003-06-17 01:35 PM

hhmm...this is pretty good. I enjoyed reading.. Jess

topsyturveychick
Member

since 2003-01-19

Posts 57
Bris,QLD,Aus

2 posted 2003-06-17 09:35 PM

Hey...I like it how u havn't really bothered about the whole punctuation and spelling, and done it in our teenage language. It feels good to read something that makes sense. I really like the poem, and I can fully relate to it. Did u ever give the poem 2 the person that u wrote it for?

I asked God how much he loved me...
He said this much...
And streched out his arms and Died.

**Sunshine**

*Belabebeautiful*

Senior Member

since 2003-01-03

Posts 696
washington, USA

3 posted 2003-06-18 12:49 PM

Well I enjoyed this poem. It was very well expressed emotionally. However I disagree on the punctuation thing. The fact that you left it in teenage "slang" is highly distracting. You have to figure out what some of the words are before you can even read the line. There is a time and place for the slang, poetry, to a large extent is not. That sounds a lil' preachy I know and I'm sorry for that It's just one girls opinion. I truley did enjoy this piece and all that was expressed throughout it. Continue writing.
~Live and Laugh~

Don't look to me for perfection, for I will surely let you down.
~Bella~

WindSong
Member

since 2002-12-23

Posts 313
Long Island, New York

4 posted 2003-06-18 04:09 PM

I really must admit I know exactly what you mean. You just regertitated (however you spell that) everything that basically just happened in my love life. I really liked this piece of work. Awesome job. Keep it up. Peace. ~*~Kirah~*~

"Life is not measured by the moments we take,but by the moments that take our breaths away." -Author Unkown.

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