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Teen Poetry #6

The Reality of My Reality

Trouble Breathing
Member

since 2002-11-12

Posts 63

0 posted 2003-05-26 02:14 PM

Caught between
A reality,
and a mistake,
With-in lies the answer,
To all that you had forgotten was fake,
Limitless is your potential,
Or as much as the eye can see?
I could be everything or I could be nothing,
It's all the same to me
There is no escape,
No easy way out,
You're trapped in a cell,
And strapped to the floor,
You'll never feel so tied down,
You've never really been so free,
Just when you thought,
You'd found downtown,
You're stuck out in nowhere,
With not a face nor a sound,
None to be seen,
None to to be heard,
None to be noticed,
Not a voice nor a word

blueyedlioness
Member

since 2003-04-24

Posts 289
USA

1 posted 2003-05-26 04:51 PM

I like the theme, I like the placement of rhyme. However, the rhythm could be improved. I know it's probably the hardest thing about poetry... and I frequently leave mine off just because I can't figure out any way to fix them.

Nice, though... keep writin'!

skyshine

Member Elite

since 2002-02-07

Posts 3058
Beneath the northern stars

2 posted 2003-05-26 11:28 PM

You've got a lot of good thoughts here! I think Lioness offered some good critique. Well done!

~Elizabeth

Dreams last for so long, even after you're gone...
~Jewel

Fading Away

Member Elite

since 2001-03-14

Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia

3 posted 2003-05-27 09:25 AM

"There is no escape,
No easy way out,
You're trapped in a cell,
And strapped to the floor"

the elaboration you use is interesting. You don't stop at being trapped in a cell. Your desperation is apparent, and your pain is spoken through every line in the poem. Very well done. Enjoyed.

--Marie

"You can be idealistic for all of ten seconds before you die." (Imitation of Life)

laurie
Member

since 2003-05-28

Posts 153
canada, ontario

4 posted 2003-05-28 06:29 PM

l'm new here, but that was.... well, that was good, to say the least. l know exactly how you feel, but even if l didn't, l get the feeling that this could make anyone feel that, for a moment, or understand it completely... lt's got that much depth or something.
L.

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