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Teen Poetry #6
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Tornado
| Teen Poetry #6 |
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Tornado |
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devinechild22 Senior Member
since 2002-08-28
Posts 571
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I sit here with your sent still on my clothes Staring out the window as the soft sound of a music box drones in the distance Ballerina spinning The wind blows a cool gentle breeze over the bare tree limbs As a tornado of brown leaves circle around me A tear rolls down my cheek now that i know you are gone I remember you holding her hand Me left alone in bitter silence.. As a tornado of brown leaves circles around me |
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| © Copyright 2002 Allison Colgrove - All Rights Reserved | |||
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PoeticGoddessOfDepression Member
since 2002-07-02
Posts 439I am everywhere |
Impressive... this is different from your other work... but I like it. Change is good-- soemtimes. Is this about D? I hear you've gotten a hug- and a sent can rubb off from that. Sorry it took so long to reply.. heh. talk to you soon- Take care. ~Sara (not to make you mad, btu I got a hug from Mike today... he was at my house.) "things have changed youve become a complication |
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devinechild22 Senior Member
since 2002-08-28
Posts 571 |
I don`t care that u got a hug from mike..this poem is actually about 2 ppl. one being doug. no i wish i got a hug from him but i didn`t...he was too busy clinging to his ex. i wore andrew`s weater tho. hehe. i`m a playa. |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
I like this better than most of your work... you had more creativity in the visuals in this piece than you usually do. Nicely done. Parasite Learn to place poetry before people |
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anya Member
since 2002-07-27
Posts 393London, UK |
You created the scene wonderfully in this poem, so very...atmospheric, I especially like the last line, Anya |
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quietlydying
since 2001-06-10
Posts 935the wonderful land of oz |
i won't comment on punctuation anymore, i promise. but i had to let you know just one last time. i really enjoyed the descriptive language in this piece. do write anything other than poetry? because i think that if you ventured into prose, you'd really develop. you seem to have a real knack for it. just some basic typos: *scent *circles [since tornado is the subject in this sentence, not leaves, you would need to make the word circle plural] reading further, i realised you already knew that. this is my favourite piece from you yet. you did an amazing job on this. but before i finish, i would like to show you a few places to add some punctuation, just as an example. I sit here with your scent still on my clothes. Staring out the window as the soft sound of a music box drones in the distance - ballerina spinning. The wind blows a cool gentle breeze over the bare tree limbs As a tornado of brown leaves circles around me. A tear rolls down my cheek now that I know you are gone. I remember you holding her hand, Me left alone in bitter silence... As a tornado of brown leaves circles around me. this is a real improvement for you. congrats!! keep posting. /jen/ i just haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister. |
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Deep_Inside Member
since 2002-02-14
Posts 377i can't stop hiding |
i like the scene that gave my mind thnks for the read |
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Riley
since 2002-07-18
Posts 1038in the pouring rain |
I like the redunce of the brown leaves incircling me line...that was cool. Great poem... Ri ~* Love humiliates you, hatered cradles you-White Olender *~ |
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devinechild22 Senior Member
since 2002-08-28
Posts 571 |
i have one word.........Great!!! love sis |
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