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Reality Dream
| Teen Poetry #6 |
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Reality Dream |
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HardHitter Junior Member
since 2003-03-25
Posts 23 |
How could it be that I was talking to this girl, she was so beautiful, she was a sparkling pearl. With her beautiful brown hair, and her dazzling brown eyes, she looked like an angle, found only in the sunny skys. An amazing smile and a sweetheart personality, only a thing I could dream about, became reality. |
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| © Copyright 2003 Brian James Watson - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Drummerboy06 Junior Member
since 2003-03-23
Posts 46Indiana |
hmmmmmmm, this is nice. You have some nice imagery portrayed in this piece. The ending, though, does have me a bit confused (the last line in particular). There are a few lines that could be a little better, IMO. These lines would only be altered to perfect the rhythm, since you do have rhyme so rhythm is almost necessary. Mind if I help you fix them? 2nd line: she was so beautiful, a sparkling pearl. 3rd line: With her beautiful brown hair, and her dazzling eyes, 4th line: she looked like an angel found in the skies. 6th line: how about instead of 'a reality', 'my reality'? just a suggestion. This was a great piece, the rhythm just needed a little work to make the piece flow. Rhyme without rhythm is like peanut butter without jam, ya know? Well, anyway, good job! Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it. - Robert F |
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Marge Tindal 
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
A hearty WELCOME to Passions' circle of poets and friends~ *Huglets* ~*Marge*~ ~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~ |
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