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Teen Poetry #6

Dark Games

Deep_Inside
Member

since 2002-02-14

Posts 377
i can't stop hiding

0 posted 2002-10-03 03:23 PM

drifting shadows
smokey air
firends are mande
from dispair

liquid flowing
thoughts keep turning
whild my soul
continus burning

blury places
in my mind
things are fading
all the time

rocking
in my room
turning the would
to complete gloom

finding a spot
making a hole
trying to find
pices of my soul

but sturing thoughts
now combine
showing a seeker
what to find

dicisions are made
to better the worse
but no one remembers
what happened at first

playing in the dark
a mind set game
i just hope things
come out the same

[This message has been edited by Deep_Inside (10-04-2002 12:52 PM).]

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

1 posted 2002-10-03 07:56 PM

As usual I LOVE your critique message.

I think you should run over this to check the spelling. That might be a good idea.

Other than that, I like the shortness of each line. Helped the flow speed right along.

Nice work.

Parasite

Learn to place poetry before people
Before you place your poetry before the people.
~Andrey Kneller

HopelessRomanticGuy
Member

since 2001-08-17

Posts 495
LI, New York

2 posted 2002-10-03 08:21 PM

Ehh, what's a bit of spelling? Very deep message here, at least I see one. I liked this poem, sad as it was.

After Love comes Pain, then Love, Then Pain, then Love, then Pain..... does anyone else see a pattern here? Oh well, can't say it's not worth it.

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