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Teen Poetry #6

Confused

Riley

Senior Member

since 2002-07-18

Posts 1038
in the pouring rain

0 posted 2002-10-03 07:54 AM

our eyes met
the sun kist my face
washing over us
like a soft blanket
covering us
so we shall never part

i fear for the worst
you are trying to unfold
that which does not deserve
more attention than i
leaving

wishing on my lucky star
that someday you would be
more than just my friend
running buddy or what have you

silence has never been so golden
as long as i can see
the soul bearing a heart within
lifes purple majesty

forgive me i am on my knees
begging with my forsaken eyes
may my tear mean something to you
leaving a path for you to follow

come after me

( Hey! I finished my other poem Parasite, so you may go critique it as well!!! Bye!

)

~* Love humiliates you, hatered cradles you-White Olender *~

Chloey
Member

since 2002-09-29

Posts 74
in a silver mustang convertible

1 posted 2002-10-03 08:22 AM

OMG it is wonderful gurl see ya at school luv ya!!

Revenge is sweet
But paybacks a bitch

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

2 posted 2002-10-03 01:26 PM

Good ending, Riley... but I think you should run over this again checking for cliches, like "on my knees," and tweak them a little bit.

Otherwise, I like your use of colour and visuals... as usual, strong work here.

Parasite

Learn to place poetry before people
Before you place your poetry before the people.
~Andrey Kneller

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