»
Archives
»
Teen Poetry #6
»
Mommy or Daddy(Please Critique)
| Teen Poetry #6 |
|
Mommy or Daddy(Please Critique) |
|
|
Chloey Member
since 2002-09-29
Posts 74in a silver mustang convertible |
If it happens I hope it doesn't It got close once They wanted to know "Do you wanna go w/ Mommy or Daddy?" I was so so sad I started bawling And Saying, "I want both, I can't choose!" Then my daddy stood in front of the car They both went inside and talked it through They said everything's okay you dont have to choose I was so happy I jumped for joy! I could never make the decision Mommy or daddy I have to have both If ever it comes to that I dont know what I'll do But thank you Mommy and Daddy for working it out! I luv you both so much Next time you get those thoughts remember ur vows! I write what I feel and I feel what I write. *~*Chloey*~* [This message has been edited by Chloey (03-04-2003 08:09 PM).] |
||
| © Copyright 2003 Chloey Jane - All Rights Reserved | |||
Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
I'm glad you did not have to make that kind of decision. I know it would have been a very hard one for anybody to make. The poem itself was interesting. It was written in a very informal style, that's cool. I hope to see you up on the boards more.  -j- Look at the sun and burn your eyes. You'll be fine in the end. |
||
|
Chloey Member
since 2002-09-29
Posts 74in a silver mustang convertible |
Thanx Dopey Dope! I appreciate that! I write what I feel and I feel what I write. |
||
Riley
since 2002-07-18
Posts 1038in the pouring rain |
Great Job Mandi. This is awesome. I agree, no one should have to make that desicion ( yeah I know I can't spell ), anyways, love how you wrote it, very nice. See ya ri Morning mist clings to my face, and my soul opens up to you...... |
||
|
Chloey Member
since 2002-09-29
Posts 74in a silver mustang convertible |
Thanx Corky! See Ya at school! I write what I feel and I feel what I write. |
||
Mistletoe Angel
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
 (smiles) Yay! Awwwwwww, I'm so happy everything worked out between your parents, sweet friend, know deep down they love you so very much and neither one ever wants to let you go and wants to be family! (big hugggssssss) God Bless You, sweet friend, we all love you so much, you have my enthusiastic vote! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Chloey, thank you for sharing!  May love and light always shine upon you! Love, Noah Eaton "Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..." |
||
|
Mysteria
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
an all too familiar cry from children that you wrote so well Chloey. |
||
|
BrokenAngel Member
since 2002-01-06
Posts 141Puryear, TN, USA |
Informal style and written with good emotion. Could have had a little more....ummm...I can't think of the word. But it seemed to me as if it was a little plane. A good write none the less though, I had to make that choice, I made the wrong one the first time but now I fixed it. Glad you didn't have to though. Read my work and read my thoughts |
||
|
carol Senior Member
since 2003-01-25
Posts 624Florida USA |
Chloey,it is so sad what childern goes through glad it worked out very good poetry it should be in a book  Real friends celebrate in who we are and have faith in all that we can become |
||
|
Jeremy Halstead Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 569Morris, Ill. U.S.A |
so yer new at this, huh... weird, I'm an old vetern who's trin' to get the pen flowin' again, so I guess we feel eachother there. Personally, I think you do have a natural nak for expression. A big key in writing poetry is to be able to not stray far from what you're trying to say and you stayed right on track. You also seem to naturaly bleed your feelings into your lines(another plus). This seemed very freestyle and if that's what yer goin' for, it was really good. If you want a "prettier" or more "poetic sounding" style, I'd try to use some more descriptive words to portray the picture of what you want us to see...also maybe some rythm strucure...again, though I really like your natual ability here. keep it comin, J.H. Curse not upon love, for it is the greatest of great things. Be it not love that curses you....but thy lack thereof. -J.D.H. [This message has been edited by Jeremy Halstead (04-16-2003 04:07 AM).] |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
