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Teen Poetry #6
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anonymousfemale
Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797
Limbo

0 posted 2003-02-23 03:01 AM



She is the torrential downpour
On your picnic set in Hyde
Park, carefully ruining your
Red-blue rug and bohemian

Crystal. You run with fear
Against the breeze into havens
Damp with claggy glue – sticking
To one, all and the

Little piece of you forgotten. Two
By two planks of wood plonk
Themselves against rivers deep
To only have clambering fools

Rush and dive into shallow waters
And die. Silently you pack the
Set and wander away again,
Swallowing air at the rate of

Death on amphetamines. All the
Pretty colours in their rainbow
Charm, fix themselves to your
Ever lowered gaze, ringing the

Watchers on mountain high. She
Walks with scissors. She walks with
Blades of grass, cutting away
The weeds and extra pieces of

Shared emotion in plastic bags
A la Safeway Style. The drive
Through hums in your head
While bees lap up the dread

Secretly hiding behind your
Mirrored vessels and pulsing veins.  
Discounted happiness was sold
Through Amazonian hourglasses –

You fell between two cracks instead,
And found the world glowing
Bright with trepidation. Mellow dregs
Scatter in morning lights and still

She sits with gleaming teeth and
Jeering fingers, obtuse in colour
And direction. You still ventured
Into prisons made of hollow grains,

To fight the toxins habitually
Forming around your organs. She calls
You the butterfly master while
Running to your legs with those blades,

Again and again – just like the nightmare
Said she would. She plays the scream
Queen so perfectly well, you wonder
Whether the oozing pain

Gushing forth from your limbs
Was simply time telling the black
And blue contusion that it’ll
All eventually fade to ashes.

19th February 2003

--------------

Ehhh...this is something slightly different from me. Whatever.

~AF~

"Write something, even if it's just a suicide note." -- Gore Vidal

© Copyright 2003 Elizabeth Johnson - All Rights Reserved
chasing rain
Senior Member
since 2001-05-15
Posts 737
Canada
1 posted 2003-02-23 10:43 PM


EJ:

So you finally wrote something. FINALLY. Geez, man, what took you so long?

Heehee.

Anyway...to get evil hideously critical on you, *run away! run away!* I didn't like the stanza breaks much. It seemed to hinder the flowiness. The continued thought was just cut off and it was hard to trace the next line back to the original thought.
Example:
Little piece of you forgotten. Two
By two planks of wood plonk
Themselves against rivers deep
To only have clambering fools

Rush and dive into shallow waters
And die.


Would you perhaps be willing to change the format of this? It's written so incredibly well that it would be a shame to chop it into pieces.

Question: Who is "she", and what is her relationship with "you"? I'm a bit foggy on the subject...

Your word choices are magnificent! Words like amphetamines, trepidation, and contusion are just...I really don't know what they mean, but it just seems so fitting. The words that I DO know, however, fit just right in the context. Such talent. *_* *spah-kle spah-kle*

Loved the last 6 lines. That's a keepsake.

you wonder
Whether the oozing pain

Gushing forth from your limbs
Was simply time telling the black
And blue contusion that it’ll
All eventually fade to ashes.


Well done, once again! Consider it a library piece.

Leah

His voice, we heard on Usher's Street...amid the screams of angels.

[This message has been edited by chasing rain (02-23-2003 10:45 PM).]

majnu
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Senior Member
since 2002-10-13
Posts 1088
SF Bay Area
2 posted 2003-02-24 01:46 PM


few things leave me without words but this is one of them.

amazing!

-majnu
--------------------------------------
Timid thoughts be not afraid. I am a Poet.

Dopey Dope
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico
3 posted 2003-02-24 05:18 PM


I hated this. Seriously.
ok no...nice to see a poem from you liz.
I didn't like this as much as your previous poems i've read, but maybe that's because most of the words in this poem surprised me. I loved the style of the poem, plus the ending was great.... however the poem as a whole just perplexed me way too much to enjoy.
I do hope to read more from you though, liz You were always one of my favs.




Look at the sun and burn your eyes. You'll be fine in the end.

PoetryIsLife
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Senior Member
since 2001-10-27
Posts 1763
...in my boxers...
4 posted 2003-02-26 03:50 PM


Smashing, AF. I did enjoy it muchly.

I agree with Leah, however, I think it would be better suited without the line breaks. The confused me, or, at least, seemed abrupt and messed with my flow, dammit. Or, it's flow. The different way you continue lines on the next, basically having flow breaks in the middle of sentences stumbled me, until I got used to it. It's funny, I write like that, but never really get used to it. Ah well.

A smashing piece. I can't give you an interpitation, because I don't have one. Just, mayhaps, a feeling here and there.

~Titus

"On the plains of Hesitation lie the blackend bones of countless millions, who, at the verge of victory, sat down to wait, and waiting - died."
    

anonymousfemale
Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797
Limbo
5 posted 2003-02-27 09:30 AM


Good 1:10am to one and all.

I'm going to be honest. I had no freakin' idea as to what I was doing here. I knew what I was writing about but the line breaks and whack punctuation came right out of left field.

Leah - I like the critiques and I'm in the process of trying to get some order into it. I'll email you the final thing when it's more to my typical style. Who is "she"? Ahh now that would be telling secrets. *grins* No, she isn't anyone too important. Think along the lines of evil twin with more homicidal/suicidal urges and you'll get it.

Majnu - Glad to see my tongue ripper-out-ers extend that far.

Dopes - I hated this too so we're on even ground - haha. Something perplexed you? You jest!! I honestly don't know what I was doing here. I'm thinking of perhaps putting it in the shredder and giving it to the dogs.

Ti - BOO! It confused you too? Well god damnit - is anyone not confused by this?? *hears a cricket* ok. Are you sure you can't give an interpretation? Any incling? Ok, ok. I'm happy to see you read it and replied. Stop by next week for coffee and a good book bashing. *grins*

I'm sorry this is so crappy. Feel free to set your screens on fire.

~AF~

"Write something, even if it's just a suicide note." -- Gore Vidal

Marshalzu
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Member Elite
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681
Lurking
6 posted 2003-04-10 12:16 PM


I read this when you first posted it and it didn't make any sense, I came back to it now and it still makes no sense, Now I'm thinking that I have the brain capacity of a less than average intelligence goldfish . So what is it about?

Anyway I have to say that I really enjoyed it and apologize for taking so long to reply. Make sure you keep posting here

*Belabebeautiful*
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 2003-01-03
Posts 696
washington, USA
7 posted 2003-04-10 01:10 PM


I don't know, perhaps because I usually tend to see things differently than most people but I really liked this. Your word choice was excellent and painted a better picture overall while not taking away from the whole of the poem. I agree with everyone else on the line breaks though, slightly distracting! But overall very good in my off beat opinion! It doesn't make to much sense when you try to think about it but the second you just read it comes to you, very nice.
~Live and Laugh~

People always ask me why I don't look toward my future I tell them to many interesting things are happening today.
~Bella~

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