i see(please tell me what you think)

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Teen Poetry #6

i see(please tell me what you think)

Chloey
Member

since 2002-09-29

Posts 74
in a silver mustang convertible

0 posted 2002-09-30 08:03 AM

when i look at thee
i see inside you
i see many things
i see through you

i see a man
i man afraid
afraid to come
and take me away

you never come to see
see what i've got
its something for you
somethin'i havent bought

its called a heart
and its urs for the taking
come to my house
and get a new life awakening

this is an older poem i wrote and found recently

East to the Ocean
West to the Sand
Death to the Biz-atch
That touches my man

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

1 posted 2002-09-30 04:01 PM

Hey Chloey.

This is an older poem of yours? I'm going to be honest but not mean and say, you've come a long way.

Seriously though, I think you should look this over and do a bit of editing. You could make it a lot of a better poem. "Something I haven't bought" is kind of a forced rhyme that can be rephrased. A lot of things rhyme with "bought..." if you're ever stuck, use http://www.rhymezone.com as a resource. Trust me, it's a great way to get your poem running when you're stuck on a line without a rhyme.

And no, it's not cheating.

See you around,

Parasite

Learn to place poetry before people
Before you place your poetry before the people.
~Andrey Kneller

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