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wvplayernotreally
Member

since 2002-11-06

Posts 215
yakima wa

0 posted 2003-01-31 01:32 AM

*not my best, i know but its something to think about*
I always look good for the moment
My smile is perfect for the moment
When I think the moment is worth it
I make sure I look good
Then, you smile at me
My heart melts
And I know that even if I wasn't perfect
I would still get that same smile from you
For you live for every moment
Not the perfect moment I long for
You know something
That every moment we breath in is the moment
I long never to blink for the moment
Every moment

" I think I got a tan from the light in which i was basking."

[This message has been edited by wvplayernotreally (01-31-2003 10:40 PM).]

PoetryIsLife

Senior Member

since 2001-10-27

Posts 1763
...in my boxers...

1 posted 2003-01-31 08:49 PM

I used to live near you.

Near your town at least.

I could defiently see what you were trying to do with this piece, and you did well with that. I might put more work into it, if it was mine, but that doesn't mean you have to.

Maybe elongate it a bit,
take out some of the 'moments'
seperate a few stanzas...
so on so forth.

But, like I said, that's just me. You said what you wanted to, and that deserves respect.

"I long no to blink for the moment
Every moment"

Is this a spelling error?

~Titus

Studieren Sie die Toten für das Leben.

chasing rain
Senior Member

since 2001-05-15

Posts 737
Canada

2 posted 2003-02-01 04:50 PM

So...who thinks Titus is a potential stalker? ^-^ j/k

wvplayernotreally:

For the moment, I'd like to say that it was an enjoyable the read, but it could be so much more than this.
We want to get away from "clichéd" (is that a word?) tones. That being said, we want to bring in more tone. Here's a couple of lines we could enhance:

"I always look good for the moment
My smile is perfect for the moment
When I think the moment is worth it
I make sure I look good."

These four lines basically tell me the exact same thing: You, and everything you do looks good for the moment.
So, what is this moment? It's not explained in the poem, so I can't identify what you were feeling when you wrote this. The word choice isn't extensive: you used "good" twice, and "moment" three times, giving the first four lines a weak opening. What would be cool is a strong opening which will lead into the rest of the poem in terms of flow. So, what other words can we used other than "good" and "moment"? Here's a few choices:

good=> ample, acceptable, geniune, complete, superb, swell, beneficial, etc.

moment=> consequence, minute, instant, second, etc.

Obviously, the word "good" doesn't offer much. It's not getting across what I think you're trying to say. "I always look ample for the moment." Uh...no. You could reword the beginning a bit, and choose different words. Example:

Before-
"The sun shines and lights up the sky
While the birds sing a song in a nearby tree."

After-
"A nightengale sings to the sunlit sky
In the shadows of a nearby tree."

Instead of synonyms, specifics bring a whole new meaning into the written lines. Words usually give off a type of tone, and so by expressing that tone in similar or dissimilar words will enhance the overall effect. In the summer, it's pretty warm outside, so trees give us shade. To make the day hotter, darkness, or "shadows" is used. I really hope I'm making sense here. o_O; Probably not...

But I'll leave you with that to consider for next time, if you wish. You have potential and I'm looking forward to reading your next post! ^_^

-Leah

ps- Watch out for Titus in a backyard near you! lol, kidding.

xShUgArHiGhx

Member Elite

since 2000-09-26

Posts 3150
tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs

3 posted 2003-02-04 02:02 PM

Hmm...this one has got me thinking..i definately liked it more than i can even put into words but it left me with a lot of questions...and i guess thats a good thing

Standing on the edge of the world
Now I don’t want you to catch me
I want you to let me
Stand up here and walk on my own

vlraynes
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-25

Posts 8229
Somewhere... out there...

4 posted 2003-02-09 01:38 AM

Malloree~
I really enjoyed reading this.
It's a 'thinker' and I like that.
Great job on this.
~Vicky
"...until you have read the verse on his heart,
you have not truly met the poet.
~vlraynes

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