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Teen Poetry #6

Measure twice; cut once

Ree Ree
Member

since 2001-06-28

Posts 56
providence, RI

0 posted 2003-01-28 07:04 AM

You breath in
and STOP!
it's perfect.
don't let it fall,
don't let it change,
don't let it fail.
Wait!
feel it,
now,
this!
One moment.
don't move,
don't think,
don't breath.
Just Stay!
Still.
Feel it!
if you move,
blink,
breathe,
will if vanish?
will you loose it?
all of it?
everything?
the answer,
here,
is yes!
One sneeze
"ah-choo"
and presto
Gone.
Why'd you exhale?
don't!
i told you!
i knew.
I'd been there too!
SHe told me
Once.
"Don't forget!
to Breath!"
but she was wrong
right
but wrong.
Naivity
must hurt; did hurt;
fall
and hold your breath;
whether still naive
or not
FALL!
You'll feel complete
for that moment
complete.
Ofcourse,
you don't listen,
you can't.
Exhuasted,
scared,
you don't beleive
or trust.
Air rushing,
out,
you can't stop,
sit,
stay still.
There's no choice,
for you
it's instinct.
You breathe,
continue,
move on.
But now
it's gone
And now
you long,
only
for THAT breath.
Not this one,
and not the next.
Naive,
ignorant,
or otherwise,
you wish
only
for
THAT
ONE
MOMENT.
because
you just couldn't
STOP!
and forget
to breath.

anonymousfemale
Member Elite

since 2000-02-02

Posts 2797
Limbo

1 posted 2003-01-29 07:52 AM

This I didn't mind. While it got just a little too manic for my liking, the idea you had there was good. At times it felt like it was being pushed just that little too far and the entire theme was being stretched.

Remember to watch your spelling. I think it has potential, personally, but it's your piece.

~AF~

"Write something, even if it's just a suicide note." -- Gore Vidal

Darkness
Member

since 2002-10-17

Posts 202
The place just beyond my eyes, where my spirit flies.

2 posted 2003-01-29 12:08 PM

I... I don't know what to say really. It was frantic. It was like what goes through ones head during a moment of panic. I liked it nontheless. The short lines made it really fast paced. I liked it... A LOT!! I felt myself starting to panic while reading it.

Muy Exelente!!
Darkness

AJMGW
Member

since 2002-11-19

Posts 57
Galaxy Roller Rink

3 posted 2003-01-30 12:07 PM

I really liked it. I was kinda scared about what was going to come next. Again spelling, You write well though.

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