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peachesNcream
Senior Member

since 2001-08-21

Posts 513
Ocean Of Tears

0 posted 2003-01-19 08:19 PM

I think this needs some more work, but please give me a few comments.

A red tear rolls onto my cheek ever so slowly,
I feel the cool wave of pain just flowing down,
It hits my lips and turns midnight black,
Then the tear subsides to the floor,
I see it turn into vibrant blue flames quick as the wind,
Finally poof the raging fire is gone,
And I feel another stinging pain filling my eyes.

~*~I believe that friends are quiet angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly~*~

foreverwithyou
Member

since 2002-10-20

Posts 204
Wonderland

1 posted 2003-01-19 08:59 PM

this was good i would paste my fave part but i liked it all very kewlish lol
CATHY

"I am who I am who I am who am I?"

[This message has been edited by foreverwithyou (01-19-2003 09:00 PM).]

Ina
Senior Member

since 2000-10-09

Posts 1236
Quebec, Canada

2 posted 2003-01-19 11:06 PM

I enjoyed your poem, espaically the red tears, keep writing
Regina

Spine Grinder
Senior Member

since 2000-10-28

Posts 1127
Standing In Silence...

3 posted 2003-01-20 10:18 AM

this had very good imagery.i liked the second line the most. nice write.

If You Wanna See A Rainbow, You've Gotta Live Through The Rain. And If You Wanna See Through Love, You've Gotta Live Through The Pain.

WinterWren
Senior Member

since 2002-12-01

Posts 1044
...Coming to

4 posted 2003-01-20 12:23 PM

This was a very descriptive poem. I liked it alot!! The only thing I could think that needs fixing is instead of saying, "..Poof the raging fire is gone." It could be without the poof, that kinda distracted me. Other than that I can see nothing wrong with it, it's very good. Well Done!

WinterWren
"I want you to believe in life. Will you find out who you are too late, to change?" -Dishwalla-

peachesNcream
Senior Member

since 2001-08-21

Posts 513
Ocean Of Tears

5 posted 2003-01-20 04:14 PM

Thank you! I appreciate your comments. I think I might change that one part!~Jess

"Poetry, she thought, wasn't written to be analyzed; it was meant to inspire without reason, to touch without understanding." -Nicholas Sparks

barbaraj
Member

since 2003-01-24

Posts 139
Nova Scotia, Canada

6 posted 2003-01-25 08:24 PM

great poem.

very descriptive. i loved the imagery.

A Person Who Asks A Question Is A Fool For Five Minutes, A Person Who Doesn't Is A Fool Forever ...

Eromyna
Member

since 2002-11-29

Posts 306
Pheonix, AZ, USA

7 posted 2003-01-26 12:02 PM

Dude, that would be so cool to see! I really enjoyed reading this.

"I don't need to scream for you to deem me aggravation."

OtherSideOfTheMirror
Member

since 2002-12-19

Posts 245

8 posted 2003-01-26 12:14 PM

Great imagery... just... good. very very good. I agree about losing the POOF! though i think that is a very cool word myself.

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