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Teen Poetry #6

The Hunter

Darkness
Member

since 2002-10-17

Posts 202
The place just beyond my eyes, where my spirit flies.

0 posted 2003-01-14 10:22 AM

Rigor mortis stiff body lying on the floor
I bet your asking "Is He...?"
No, no he is just sleeping
He is the one the simply call The Hunter
He was the ability
To walk between worlds forgotten
Worlds never to be discovered
Through the valley of the dead
And your, land of misguidance
His purpose is simple
Sift through the wreck of humanity
You call civilization
And find the most evil of them all
The ones who corrupted your world
And show them this light
The Lighted Tunnel
Leading to the land of the dead
Where... Ironically you never die
In this place there is only pain
You contract every disease
Developed every cancer
And crush your physical and emotional being
On a daily basis
Oh what a surprise it is
When those wicked souls walk in
Thinking that they’re headed to Paradise
And end up in a place Satan is afraid to be
So here's some advise
Live well and live pure
And don't fear death and the Reaper
Because The Hunter is far worse.

OtherSideOfTheMirror
Member

since 2002-12-19

Posts 245

1 posted 2003-01-14 07:22 PM

Liked that... though it was creative and kind of confusing in the beginning. LOVED the last three lines... and the idea.

[Didn't like]:

[The Lighted Tunnel]
Leading to the land of the dead
[Where... Ironically]you never die
In this place there is only pain
You contract every disease
Developed every cancer
And crush your physical and emotional being
[On a daily basis]

I think the lighted tunnel is bizarre because it's leading to darkness and all, and that line seems to simple. The next thing seems it would flow better as "Where ironically you never die"... just not with the "..." where they are now. The last sentence there is too... I dono... it would have been better just "everyday" or something, that "daily basis" sounds really too comfortable... too like something anyone would say randomly. Make it unique...

Nice write nonetheless. And as always... just suggestions.

[This message has been edited by OtherSideOfTheMirror (01-14-2003 07:26 PM).]

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