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clve527
Member

since 2002-07-08

Posts 200

0 posted 2003-01-11 11:21 PM

When you walk upon that edge,
think not of consequence.
Think only of those that came before,
who carefully strolled upon this edge
and never dared to imagine
how the ground felt under their feet
as they fell from the top of their fear.

When you speak of your heart,
let not your head interfere.
Speak only for those that felt before,
but feared too much to mumble
even a single hint of their desire
to dive into the river
of every emotion ever felt.

And when you live,
live only for that first step
upon the road with no imprints,

the road with no fears.

Skyfire

Member Elite

since 2000-12-27

Posts 3381
Riding

1 posted 2003-01-12 02:26 PM

"live only for that first step
upon the road with no imprints,

the road with no fears."

I don't know what to say to this. This one seemed to be more.... (for lack of a better word) emotional... than I'm used to reading from you. And at the same time, it's just the right amount of the so-called "emotionalism" to make the poem work... but you already knew that

Good job Casey, I was pleased to see that you're still around on occasion. Oh and by the way, the msn addy I'm using lately is [email protected].... so I'm not ignoring you

devinechild22
Senior Member

since 2002-08-28

Posts 571

2 posted 2003-01-12 10:08 PM

I didnt like it. I dunno why I just didn`t. I just can`t place my finger on it. No offence to you or anything i just didnt like it much. It may just be that isn`t my..type?
*Allison*

"O My love
Please don`t cry
I`ll wash my bloody hands
And well start a new life"
-Good Charlotte

PoeTik JusTice
Member

since 2003-01-05

Posts 186
California, USA

3 posted 2003-01-13 04:39 AM

I liked this poem, I could relate and understand it. Nice work

XoXo Love Alwayz XoXo
*~Serena~*
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is to love, and be loved in return." --Moulin Rouge

rimmie
Junior Member

since 2002-08-09

Posts 45
Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada

4 posted 2003-01-13 11:47 AM

BRAVO! I think you did a marvalous job. Very powerfull word and excelent theme!

~RuZ~

foreverwithyou
Member

since 2002-10-20

Posts 204
Wonderland

5 posted 2003-01-13 08:41 PM

this poem was alright

"I am who I am who I am who am I?"

[This message has been edited by vlraynes (01-23-2003 11:49 PM).]

clve527
Member

since 2002-07-08

Posts 200

6 posted 2003-01-13 08:58 PM

Honesty is important, but how am I supposed to improve if you have no suggestions?

Casey

devinechild22
Senior Member

since 2002-08-28

Posts 571

7 posted 2003-01-14 04:43 PM

I said that I dodnt know why I didnt like it but for some reason I didn`t.
*Allison*

"O My love
Please don`t cry
I`ll wash my bloody hands
And well start a new life"
-Good Charlotte

[This message has been edited by vlraynes (01-23-2003 11:51 PM).]

EleanorMoonbaby
Member

since 2002-09-02

Posts 202
England, UK

8 posted 2003-01-14 05:57 PM

I liked it for the simple reason that there is a note of hope without falling into the trap of "Hallmark syndrome". This kind of a poem is hard to come by. Nice one.
Allison- don't worry about other's interpretations of your responses, there are some who value them. It may be that a lot of poets prefer any criticism to be backed up with reasons and maybe suggestions for improvement.
Ellie

"I'm terribly sorry ma'am, my karma just ran over your dogma"

PoetryIsLife

Senior Member

since 2001-10-27

Posts 1763
...in my boxers...

9 posted 2003-01-15 01:40 AM

Casey, Titus, Hi.

This being the first piece I've read by you (as far as I can remember) I'm glad I stumbled across it. It's very, very lovely. Some very deep meaning in it; the reader can take what they want from it, but the author had it's intended voice.

I can't honestly think of much I would do differently... it seemed a bit short, for being so well written and mostly seamless, but I can't imagining making it longer and not disturbing that. It's an option, yes, but one to take? The only stanza that wasn't absolutely seamless was the first, which didn't... flow as well, but did a damn good job of flowing as it is.

~Titus

"A life unexamined is not worth living."
-Socrates

vlraynes
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-25

Posts 8229
Somewhere... out there...

10 posted 2003-01-18 05:11 PM

Casey~
I really enjoyed reading this..it's a very
well written piece and quite powerfully done.
I especially liked these lines...

   "When you speak of your heart,
    let not your head interfere."

Those few words say so much...not only in the
context of this poem, but in our everyday lives.
Sometimes our heads get in the way of us speaking
and hearing our hearts.  This is a great reminder
to not let that happen.
Thanks for sharing this, Casey.  I'll be watching
for more from you.
~Vicky
"...until you have read the verse on his heart,
you have not truly met the poet.
~vlraynes

wvplayernotreally
Member

since 2002-11-06

Posts 215
yakima wa

11 posted 2003-01-19 01:43 AM

wow good job. Two thumbs up...no complaints on this side. I can honestly say i am looking forward to more

" I think I got a tan from the light in which i was basking."

Krystin18
Junior Member

since 2003-01-19

Posts 20
Ontario, Canada

12 posted 2003-01-19 07:19 PM

i liked it .. i cant place my finger on what i particularily liked about it. i just think all together that it is a well written poem

smurf_gurl
Junior Member

since 2003-01-20

Posts 19
US of A

13 posted 2003-01-20 07:48 PM

Very nicely done. I look forward to hearing from you again. And that, my dear, is no lie.
~Stace

dinky
Member

since 2002-10-19

Posts 258

14 posted 2003-01-23 06:04 PM

hey,
gettin away from the arguing or w/e it is...
i dont know if i really understood this but it sounded kool
i liked it
~samantha~

"sometimes i just feel like
quittin i still might
why do i put up this fight?
why do i still write?"

vlraynes
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-25

Posts 8229
Somewhere... out there...

15 posted 2003-01-24 01:41 AM

It is not necessary for every reply to a poem to be sweet and positive, especially when a poet has requested honest critiques, as Casey has.  It is, however, necessary to treat one another with respect within the Passions forums, and unfortunately, that was no longer happening here.  Instead, several of the posts were leaning towards being personal attacks.

As a result, I have deleted and/or edited the comments within this thread that did not pertain to Casey's poem.  Please be respectful of Casey and her poetry as well as the other members and the Passions Guidelines, and keep your comments focused on her poem.

If you have any questions about the Guidelines, you can review them here.../pip/guidelines/rules.html
Also feel free to contact me if you'd like and I'll answer any questions the best that I can.

Thanks, everyone, for your understanding and cooperation.
~Vicky
[This message has been edited by vlraynes (01-24-2003 01:44 AM).]

clve527
Member

since 2002-07-08

Posts 200

16 posted 2003-01-24 10:57 AM

I understand the guildlines, but do (or rather at this point did) see a very valid point within quitlydying's post. I know that I don't say that I like every single poem, but I do put reasoning behind the fact. What good is it doing to simply tell someone that you don't like the poem? But that swings in both directions, it does no good to simply say "I loved this" either.

Casey

Marshalzu

Member Elite

since 2001-02-15

Posts 2681
Lurking

17 posted 2003-01-24 11:57 AM

quote:
When you walk upon that edge,
think not of consequence.

A strong opening and a very bold statement that, really sets the tone of the poem. These are probably my two favourite lines as well.

quote:
Think only of those that came before,
who carefully strolled upon this edge

I don’t know about the repetition in this line, your saying a very similar thing, granted you go on to embellish but I’m thinking you could probably replace edge in the fourth line.

quote:
and never dared to imagine
how the ground felt under their feet
as they fell from the top of their fear.

As I’ve said already I like the way you continue with what you have already said, though I’m not sure about the wording of the last line of the stanza that however is just personal preference I’m sure.

quote:
When you speak of your heart,
let not your head interfere.
Speak only for those that felt before,
but feared too much to mumble

Another very bold statement and a brilliant opening, very well written indeed, the choice of words is impeccable.

quote:
even a single hint of their desire
to dive into the river
of every emotion ever felt.

I like the imagery you present in this line.

quote:
And when you live,
live only for that first step
upon the road with no imprints,

the road with no fears.

A superb ending, very well executed with language and imagery, the implication that no one has walked down that “…road with no fears” is just wonderful, it leaves a beautiful mental image. Thank you for sharing this with us, it was a most enjoyable read, sorry I picked it to pieces but I feel that, If I said that I “liked it a lot” I wouldn’t be doing you nor the poem any justice.

As for Jen’s comment, I think it was removed along with others because they could be taken in the wrong way and we really want to preserve a sense of community on the boards and that can only happen if we keep within the guidelines, though I am not exactly sure that they were crossed. The important point however, is that we maintain the level of respect and tolerance that makes Passions the place it is.

As for whether “I don’t like this” or “I do like this” are acceptable replies, I’d have to say definitely yes, some people read a poem and don’t feel strongly about it, but still want the author to know that they read the poem, as a poet who wants to grow I find that this can be frustrating but find consolation in the fact that someone actually took the time to read my work, even if they didn’t like it, I had done something right to keep them reading on until the end.

Anyway I don’t want to be the guy who just keeps on droning on about stuff, so I’ll go but first let me say that you must post more of you work here, as it is just so inspirational.

Andrew

My Violent Bedtime Stories

[This message has been edited by Marshalzu (01-24-2003 11:58 AM).]

clve527
Member

since 2002-07-08

Posts 200

18 posted 2003-01-24 08:14 PM

As for the inspirational implication, this is very much unlike my writing, which I guess is what any author wants. The very ability to surprise themselves. Thank you for the comments, very helpful. I do see your point with the repetion of "edge" will have to look that part over before I enter it into the district writing contest (not a voluntary entry, not much into entering these contests).
Now on to what you said in regards to Jen's comments. I hope that since this is my poem that this will stay up. I understand your statement about when someone doesn't feel strongly about something. But I think that this is supposed to be a learning enviroment, and when you simply say "I can relate" it takes out the learning, especially on poems by people who actually request critiques. But of course that is me, I write partly to learn and to improve, I know that most aren't in it for that at all.

Casey

vlraynes
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-25

Posts 8229
Somewhere... out there...

19 posted 2003-01-24 09:21 PM

Casey~
I completely understand your desire for more depth
in whatever replies/critiques your poems might receive,
and I realize the validity of some of the comments
that were made.  However, the validity of the comments
was not the issue.  The way in which the comments
were presented, and the lack of respect being shown
between members was what ultimately forced the removal of posts.
Though Allison did not offer any suggestions for improvement,
her reply was still well within guidelines, as her comments
were limited to the poem and not the poet.  To openly judge
and/or attack her assumed intentions was not appropriate,
thus the removal of the posts.
If you have any further questions about this, please
feel free to contact me at any time and I'll help
in any way that I can.
~Vicky
"...until you have read the verse on his heart,
you have not truly met the poet.
~vlraynes

clve527
Member

since 2002-07-08

Posts 200

20 posted 2003-01-24 09:56 PM

I know that it was well within the guildlines.

casey

devinechild22
Senior Member

since 2002-08-28

Posts 571

21 posted 2003-01-24 11:41 PM

It was in the guidelines which is why I dont understand why everyone is carrying on about it. You can delete this after you have read it..its fine I just want you all to know. I meant nothing by what I said and I didnt think myself saying that would be such a big deal. So can we all please drop it and Casey I am sorry for offending you or anyone else. I`m just gonna keep what I think to myself from now on as not to upset every single person cause that was the very last thing on my mind. I just figured if I said something ,aybe by seeing what others said it could lean me in one direction or the other. I`m seriously just gonna keep my mouth shut and not write or reply to anything else cause I really dont wanna be upsetting people cause it upsets me the most cuase I feel that I have been the direct attack of a few things and I have been the "fault" of other things.
*Allison*

"O My love
Please don`t cry
I`ll wash my bloody hands
And well start a new life"
-Good Charlotte

christian
Member

since 2002-12-18

Posts 331

22 posted 2003-01-27 12:37 PM

i didn't like it -- only because you
didn't coat it enough. sure, it motivates
you in that stale-word martinlutherking
cliche kind of way. and half of what
poetry is making people feel something,
but it didn't hit me enough. you didn't
decorate it enough.

you should add more. i'm pretty sure you
can write, there were some awesome lines in
there. but as far as an overall product,
it's too bland and too grey. too logical.
because you needed more.

there's my two cents, go buy yourself
a stick of gum.

-chris.

Kielo
Senior Member

since 2002-02-11

Posts 1109

23 posted 2003-01-27 12:40 PM

I liked it. I enjoyed the images, and it was structurally very well done. The idea behind it is also good.

Kielo

I know only one thing, and that thing is that I know nothing.

WindSong
Member

since 2002-12-23

Posts 313
Long Island, New York

24 posted 2003-01-27 08:55 AM

I liked this poem. I kind of felt what you were describing, GOt the essence of what it was about. Great write! ~*Kirah*~

I lie all the time - infact Im lieing right now!
Today was tomorrow yesterday.

clve527
Member

since 2002-07-08

Posts 200

25 posted 2003-01-27 10:44 AM

I can give the reason why I won't add more. I do not want to get into the cliches that always inhabit these types of poems. As it stands, this is brimming on cliche. Thank you for your opinion.

Casey

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