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Teen Poetry #6
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That Sinking Feeling (Revisited)
| Teen Poetry #6 |
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That Sinking Feeling (Revisited) |
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EleanorMoonbaby Member
since 2002-09-02
Posts 202England, UK 
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He grabbed me and shoved me hard Towards the edge of the gleaming, steely grey water. Plunged in feet first Feeling the liquid scythe cut deep. Just as the water was creeping over my cringing belly Someone grabbed my hand Hauled me out Warmed me up. You smiled and said you'd keep me safe. You were right. You never let me near the water, insisting on holding my hand. Then, you stopped minding. You'd be chatting to swimmers just getting out of the water Then playfully push me towards the edge when I asked who they were. Then it happened. One day, you got bored of me. You picked me up. Then threw me in. Sharp, cold water, up to my neck. Freezing my chest, breath coming out in clouds of crackling ice. You just smiled and walked off with one of the swimmers. Then I went under. The water closing over my head like a metal door slamming shut. I'm still sinking now, Down into a shady, grey kingdom. Sometimes the sun hits the water, laser-thin rays touch me. Someday I will swim towards them. Then I can climb out. In the beginning, the Universe was made. This has angered a lot of people and has been widely regarded as a bad move- Douglas Adams |
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| © Copyright 2002 Eleanor Warren - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Mitzi New Member
since 2002-09-08
Posts 5 |
I like to follow your progress, you seem to swing violently between simple, stupid humorous poems and incredibly sad ones. This is the latter and is quite well written, if a bit long-winded. Hope this helps. Mitzi |
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EleanorMoonbaby Member
since 2002-09-02
Posts 202England, UK |
Well, thanks. It is a bit long, but I couldn't fit that many ideas into a short poem! EleanorMoonbaby In the beginning, the Universe was made. This has angered a lot of people and has been widely regarded as a bad move- Douglas Adams |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
I think the length of this is just fine, Eleanor. It's a good shift away from your less seriously-toned poems, I have to admit, and you still write it very well. I like the extended metaphor in here. You did a good job of this one. Particularily, I enjoyed your description of the "cold." Parasite Learn to place poetry before people |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
I loved the poem. You totally depicted the situation of being ditched by somebody you cared about wonderfully. I loved every piece of it cept the ending. I felt that the ending was weaker than the wholeness of the poem. You start soft and increase and kick it off nicely....the whole poem just stays great...but the end is like "that's it?". I think that if you work on that, if you want to, it'd be a much better piece. What would you do once you get out of the water? How will it feel? What will you be thinking? You asked for a little more than just a "hey nice poem", and here it is  I really like your poetry. I do hope to see much more of it.  This post has been brought to you by the 'Totally Awesome Society of Puerto Rican Egotistical Sexy Men'. |
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Ina Senior Member
since 2000-10-09
Posts 1236Quebec, Canada |
The poem showed how difficult it can be to surpass someones harsh treatment. I really liked the way you used water to describe the feeling, sorta makes me think of drowning in anger and despair.Also the feeling of actual drowning in water, well anyways This was a beautiful poem. Regina |
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Skyfire
since 2000-12-27
Posts 3381Riding |
Woah. Powerful imagery and words here. Very powerful emotions. *hugs* Woah. |
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