tell me if these suck or not?

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jeffwillett
Member

since 2003-01-04

Posts 86
Texas, US

0 posted 2003-01-04 03:00 PM

Some of my friends tell my i'm pretty good at writing, i myself don't think it's any special or above average (if even that) please read these two and tell me what you think. This is the first time i've ever posted anything looking for a critical analysis.

-First Night Along-

Leave the lights on
I'm afraid you know
No, don't leave me
Please don't go

Crack the door will you
So that I can hear
Please don't leave me
Being alone I fear

Don't go too far
I can smell your hair
Don't leave with out me
I want to know you're there

Tuck me under
So I can feel your skin
Stay here with me
Please come back in

Kiss me once please
Before you're on your way
But come back to me
You don't have to stay

-Us All Along-

Chasing her through
The monkey bars
And sharing all
Of your toy cars

She was gross
You would pretend
But nap time
Together you'd spend

You would play
Her board games
You also liked
To call her names

Whe she said
She was hurt
You have her
Your favorite dessert

When she tripped
And she fell
You told her
You couldn't tell

You'd pass her
A little note
That you thought
You so cleverly wrote

That first call
Late at night
You were so
Full of fright

You would carry
All of her stuff
But you knew
That wasn't enough

You'd talk late
And all night long
She would swear
That nothing's wrong

When someone she
Was close to died
You say by her
While she cried

You'd drive around
Because you could
And tell her things
You never would

Now the day
Is finally here
Nothing left
For you to fear

You're down on
Just one knee
She's full of tears
Can barely see

She knows what
You will say
But she listens
Anyway

Now you see
Nothin's wrong
It was us
All along

Heavens Tears

Senior Member

since 2001-03-15

Posts 677

1 posted 2003-01-04 03:07 PM

Welcome to Passions. I thought these were both very nicely written poems. Remember, you can always post then in two different threads if you'd like. Again, welcome!

NSnaomian
Member

since 2002-07-22

Posts 232
In my troll closet I be

2 posted 2003-01-04 09:54 PM

WELCOME! I'm not much of a critic but I can tell ya that I didn't quite like the first one

I think it was just the ordering of words you used. I thought the second was very well done and very cute!
Once again welcome and I hope you like it here!
Laura

"All that I desire to point out is the general principle that Life imitates Art far more than Art imitates Life."
-Oscar Wilde

HopelessRomanticGuy
Member

since 2001-08-17

Posts 495
LI, New York

3 posted 2003-01-04 10:40 PM

WELCOME!!!

Well, these most certainly do NOT suck. True, I also didn't quite like the first one, and probably for the same reason as Laura above. As for the second, well, there isn't much critiquing to do there, it is great! Your friends are right: You have quite a talent when it comes to writing, and we'd love to see more of your writing on here.
*~Rich~*

"You can't hurt meee!! 'Cause I've got on my cheeeeese helmet!"

jeffwillett
Member

since 2003-01-04

Posts 86
Texas, US

4 posted 2003-01-04 10:43 PM

wow, in the critical analysis forum...everyone said the first one was better and the second one had the most problems...i like being critiqued but at the same time i know that i like my writing so i don't let opinions influence my writing, unless im writing for an audeince that is...by the way, as u'll get to know, my spelling is really bad

Allysa

Senior Member

since 1999-11-09

Posts 1952
In an upside-down garden

5 posted 2003-01-05 02:46 PM

Welcome to Pip. I'm not one for rhyming poems, but you've got a good start. Looking forward to seeing more...

WinterWren
Senior Member

since 2002-12-01

Posts 1044
...Coming to

6 posted 2003-01-06 06:46 PM

I didn't think the first one was that bad, but did like the 2nd one better. It was a very good poem! I'll be looking for more of yours! Oh, and welcome to pip by the way.

WinterWren
"I want you to believe in life. Will you find out who you are too late, to change?" -Dishwalla-

PoeTik JusTice
Member

since 2003-01-05

Posts 186
California, USA

7 posted 2003-01-06 07:47 PM

I really liked them both! The second one was just totally awesome though. Yeah, I know how ya feel with the whole critical analysis thing. I put a poem and here and people say its very well written, then put it in there and it's very poorly written. I guess it's just about being politically correct! It's just good to have honest opinions and all!

XoXo Love Alwayz XoXo
*~Serena~*
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is to love, and be loved in return." --Moulin Rouge

*Belabebeautiful*

Senior Member

since 2003-01-03

Posts 696
washington, USA

8 posted 2003-01-06 10:09 PM

Both poems were very well written I definitly liked the second one better and the only thing I would have to say is watch out for grammer/spelling mistakes. On the first one the only part that I would say sounded funny was the very last stanza something just didn't work quite right with me..Overall very good job I really liked the second one it's a beautiful poem. keep it up!

Live and laugh and make sure to always have Bella Amor (beautiful love)
~Bella~

Kielo
Senior Member

since 2002-02-11

Posts 1109

9 posted 2003-01-06 10:22 PM

Hmm... I think as far as analysis, I liked the first better, but I liked the story in the second better.

They were both good, although occasionally the rhymes made the word order difficult. In one stanza in the second poem you seem to contradict yourself to my mind. Maybe I'm just thick.

Anyway, here's the quote:

"You'd drive around
Because you could
And tell her things
You never would"

All in all, though, great poems.

Kielo

I know only one thing, and that thing is that I know nothing.

stephanie
Junior Member

since 2002-11-15

Posts 33

10 posted 2003-01-07 10:01 AM

welcome to passions....i liked both poems...the first more than the second but they were both very good! I loved the ending of the second poem but both were great. looking forward to more of your writing. keep up the good work

rxyfxy04
Member

since 2002-11-26

Posts 54
lil' town in Virginia

11 posted 2003-01-07 10:01 AM

welcome to passions.. these were great first posts!! they definitely do not suck! i really like the second one alot! (but the first one too!) .. keep on writing and posting..

RxyFxy04

vlraynes
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-25

Posts 8229
Somewhere... out there...

12 posted 2003-01-12 02:18 AM

Jeff~
I very much enjoyed reading these.
You're a talented writer and it shows in both
of these writes. I hope to see lots more from you.
Welcome to Passions.
~Vicky
"...until you have read the verse on his heart,
you have not truly met the poet.
~vlraynes

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