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Teen Poetry #6
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Untill you return
| Teen Poetry #6 |
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Untill you return |
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*Belabebeautiful*
since 2003-01-03
Posts 696washington, USA |
I am the tree that grows all alone I am the queen with no knight near my throne I am lonely when you aren't here I am nothing without you near I am a single in a world full of pairs I'm the only truth and surrounded by dares I am a lion who's lost all its pride I am so alone when you're not at my side I'm the only branch mixed in with trees I'm just a flower swaying alone in the breeze I am deaf in a world full of sound I am worthless without you around I am one wren in a group full of doves I am pain surrounded by love I am imprisioned while the rest are all free I'm praying that you'll come back to me I am the sad one, alone in the crowd I am the quiet while the rest are all loud I am a candle that can no longer burn I am empty...untill you return well what does everybody think? Live and laugh and make sure to always have Bella Amor (beautiful love) |
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| © Copyright 2003 Bella - All Rights Reserved | |||
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aries_luv_ppl Senior Member
since 2001-09-20
Posts 1448Universal Mind |
maybe less "I am"? I'm not good at commenting stuff, so don't count mine. Anyway, I like each line has a contrast...and maybe "I am" would work here, if you elaborate your feeling more than just the contrast comparison. Maybe add a line after each contrast...to describe your feeling. This is just my humble opinion. Eliza Simmons ~Sometimes when I look back at what I wrote, I don't recognize the 'Me' in the past anymore. [This message has been edited by aries_luv_ppl (01-03-2003 06:03 PM).] |
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*Belabebeautiful*
since 2003-01-03
Posts 696washington, USA |
Hey! thanks for your comments I'll see if I can work on it! Live and laugh and make sure to always have Bella Amor (beautiful love) |
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