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| How to Join | Member's Area | Private Library | Search | Sanctuary | Login | |
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| Main Forums | Discussion | Tech Talk | Mature Content | Archives |
A home without a wall, |
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| Open Poetry #22 |
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Blackout |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
My hand rested On the swell of you Not knowing If awake You would have moved away Or stayed Midnight is a long ride From the hours pre-dawn When I awoke, Turned and lay my arm Over your curled up leg Thinking of how At one time such a touch Might have led to more I turned over Back now to your front And lay there listening To the distant rumble Of late passing storm Gracing the panes With a patter of drops That covered the sound of your breathing Realizing My touch Was no longer Electric |
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| © Copyright 2002 Cpat Hair - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
Ron "midnight is a long ride" yes, it is...a poignant fall into morning. I am touched by this. |
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nakdthoughts Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200Between the Lines |
I remember that exact moment...just stayed in denial way too long.... Isn't it sad that emotions change...but with a little fine tuning you can be electrified again..as long as both want it, still M |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
It may be that there isn't the electricity of a new found love, but the comforting caress of warm and loving hands is timeless. I was touched by the poignancy of this poem. ~ may your days and nights be filled with the love that you deserve ~ EA |
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Interloper
since 2000-11-06
Posts 8369Deep in the heart |
A grounding piece, Ron. Fool, said my Muse to me, look in thy heart and write. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
This is why I've been sleeping on the couch for the past 12 years. sigh. Fell asleep hugging a pillow again last night...well, this morning. So obviously, I related. *chuckle* on a side note? I told my sister that it's very bizarre--each day? I wake up with "Dick Van Dyke"--and every evening? "Jack Nicholson" axes through the door. "HONEY--I'm HOME!" That would be funny if it weren't so on target. Thanks, Ron.  |
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Decaflame Senior Member
since 2001-05-11
Posts 1635 |
...Thinking of how At one time such a touch Might have led to more... sometimes I think I was sent the summons to appear for my own divorce, but it got lost in the mail... Your excellent bite, like a rare steak... but well done inside... |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
Ron, Eloquent streetscape of the desire for desires. Mike [This message has been edited by bsquirrel (09-19-2002 04:17 PM).] |
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the_loner_23 Member Ascendant
since 2002-06-08
Posts 5479Jacksonville, Florida, USA |
Awesome piece of work Cold hands means a warm heart |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
 I won't go through that anymore, I decided that a long time ago. I felt it again though with your writing here...very sad indeed. |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
This hurt to read Ron. Such an ache of melancholy. My one problem - and it's small - is the word electric. It just doesn't seem to fit the overall mood, but then again - maybe you didn't want it to... damn fine writing Sir.  K |
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vandana
since 1999-10-22
Posts 10463USA |
enjoyed |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Oh one thing - do you ever post in CA? If not, have you considered it? |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
Thanks to everyone for the replies..they are greatly appreciated. Severn: I struggled with the last word for some time...and it seemed too easy to chose an obvious yet too obtuse or hard to chose the one I did... it could easily have been "important" or "desired" but also too obvious and predictable...the real word here still eludes me..it's in my head but refuses to come out at this time... could be charged...but that too is not in tune with the images or the mood... perhaps you have a suggestion... I'm listening |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
That's the crux of the issue then - what is the 'real' word for this...it's nothing to do with electric..I don't think it's anything to do with the actual feel of the touch at all. Simply because you said it could just have easily have been a word like 'important' or 'desired.' I think that a concept along the lines of those words is the real word - despite your feeling that such a word might be too obvious or banal. Sometimes, the simplest word can add a touch of light to a poem..it can be like a cog has clicked into place. Electric in this case has the opposite effect, and I guess that comes over to the reader given that I immediately sensed that it was out of place. It seems to me that you need to let your instinct flow here and accept that you might need a simple word welcome invited vital wanted missed - which sounds good to me actually - it is not so obvious in that it refers to the action of not touching, rather than touching. It's simple, with nice sibilance. Missed would be my choice, but really I think if you listen for the simple word that you know is right..you'll hear it soon enough.. K |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
ahem...scuse me? I disagree...politely of course... But "electric" was the part I think I liked the most--- I guess it had a personal connotation to me as I once summed up a poem with the following lines: "We knew that it would be like this-- electric spark on fingertips." Because it's HOW IT FEELS... AND electricity being energy? has capacities for good use as well as bad...as someone very wise told me once, there is no such thing as "negative energy"--it either is, or it ISN'T. It's what WE do with it." He further added, to "consider ourselves as a "battery"--but replace the node terminology with "active" and "receptive" instead of negative and positive or even masculine and feminine, and we would be closer to thinking correctly about the flow of energy that does, and is scientifically proven to transfer from being to being." Sorry, couldn't help myself...I LIKED the electricity... |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
OMG! A debate in Open. I'm going to...faaaaaaint.. heh K |
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Auguste
since 2000-02-16
Posts 3953By the sea |
I do believe this is some of your better writing. I found this piece very moving and I would leave "electric" as I think it works well in tying this gem up nicely. |
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Gentle Spirit Member Patricius
since 2000-10-09
Posts 13989 |
A very poignant yet outstanding write Ron. Some thoughts to ponder you leave us with indeed. Well done. If I have touched one heart through my words, then I have acheived my dream... |
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Alicia Member
since 2002-03-22
Posts 279 |
~Reading and reading this. It is without doubt my 'poem of the day'. Have this desire to _hear_ it. -- Pleased here. Be too. Thank you. *Peace. |
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Madame Chipmunk Member Rara Avis
since 2001-12-05
Posts 8296Michigan |
This is a fantastic piece of writing... but I have to agree with Karen about the word "electric" Thats what made it fantastic for me... The first time David and I kissed, it felt totally electric and thats exactly how I always describe it and so does he.  ~ hugs from a chipmunk with an electric kissLyra |
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Duncan Member Ascendant
since 2001-08-07
Posts 5455 |
First of all, Ron, this poem really wrote a moment. I have to agree (for the most part) with Severn. As soon as I read the word 'electric' it didn't seem to fit perfectly. The feeling the word gave me fit, just not the word. Though, I liked the overstated effect of it, in a way. I like the understated effect of 'missed', also. Your moment, Ron. If it were mine, I'd probably say Realizing My touch Was no longer Cause for tremble That's what I like about your poetry, it makes me think. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
back again..because I really like the ending. I think though, Electric, in this context, might do well, de-emphasized to a perhaps a lower case "e" maybe even italics, with a space between that, and the preceding line, thus: Realizing My touch Was no longer electric Just a thought, the extra line space emphasizes the finality and sadness of "was no longer" and the "electric" standing alone--leaves the poem with a contrast in one word--electric, suggesting what used to be...but sadly alone and pathetic in that context? also suggests the harsh electric reality of what passion can become. I also like it separated because it gives the eye a physical sensation--apart from the rest--a nice subconscious touch. But then? *tch* It IS just a suggestion!  |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
First... Many thanks to everyone for taking time to read and comment! It is always a pleasure to have someone read your words and take the time to drop a note saying what they thought of them. SO.. Thank you ALL. Now..the ending... Duncan, Severn: I realize the ending could be many things, and truly like Duncans suggestion. I also know that any of the words Severn chose would work just as well, with each adding or subtracting in subtle ways from what the reader might take away. This poem in all honesty, needs to age in my mind for a bit before it gets edited to any degree as it is too personal to me right now for me to be totally objective about how to end it and if I think about it too much..I'll end up deleting it from my archives....so...Thank you..and I will file these thoughts with the poem for now and perhaps revisit it again one of these days when that "right" word or phrase comes to the surface. Ser.... Hard to imagine you having an opinion and willing to share it.  I understand your thougths for they were in large part how I ended up with electric. The comments on changing the form of the poem to seperate the last word are good...and I really should pay more attention to the visual impact of words on a page than I do. All too often the words as we have talked, write themselves from somewhare( I don't know where) and once released on paper defy me to change or monkey with. For now the word remains Electric....and perhaps there are more than one version of this poem that will survive... thanks my friend for the thoughts and the comments....they are always appreciated. Madam Chipmunk... you just made me blush... hugs back at you my dear lady... |
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