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DonFurr
Member

since 2001-01-01

Posts 172
Monticello IN

0 posted 2002-08-17 02:39 AM

Into and out of
dreams I pass
Moments with you
that do not last
Fragments cherished
within my heart
Wakefulness shall
not keep us apart
Every new hour
I am still aware
You are waiting
somewhere near
Patience is worth
so very much
The moment comes
when we shall touch
Souls and bodies
remade complete
All in the instant
We finally meet

Kunoichi
Junior Member

since 2002-08-17

Posts 10
US of A

1 posted 2002-08-17 03:04 AM

Hi, DonFurr. I like this a lot. There's a rhythm, but I think some things could be touched upon. I'll compliment and critique as I go. I love the first four lines. The "I pass" can be used in two complete thoughts. "Into and out of dreams I pass," as well as "I pass moments with you that do not last." Wonderful effect there.

quote:
Wakefulness shall
not keep us apart

The rhythm isn't here for some reason. I don't like the word wakefulness. Others might, but not I.

Realms of wake..? Sleepless nights? You're probably trying to keep a certain vocabulary here, but this is how I would've worded:

quote:
Wakefulness shall not
keep us apart

Purely for rhythm. You might want to touch on that again? It's up to you, of course. I think the rest of the poem does well. A few places where rhythm could be worked on, but otherwise, the poem is great. I LOVE rhythm. Teehee. I guess that's why I like music so much. Well written. Emotion captured.

ethome
Member Patricius

since 2000-05-14

Posts 11858
New Brunswick Canada

2 posted 2002-08-17 06:58 AM

Don
A positive outlook filled with romance and yearning....very well done!! Appropiately titled.

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

3 posted 2002-08-17 08:14 AM

Don! We've missed you!
I think this one would buy some food!
This is so nice...stay awhile, will you?

Seymour Tabin
Member Empyrean

since 1999-07-07

Posts 31720
Tamarac Fla

4 posted 2002-08-17 08:44 AM

Don,
Well done enjoyed the read.

1slick_lady
Member Ascendant

since 2000-12-22

Posts 6088
standing on a shadow's lace

5 posted 2002-08-17 10:23 AM

don...she is out there...i have missed you...it is so good to see you...helen

Magnus

Member Laureate

since 2001-10-10

Posts 14135
South Carolina, USA

6 posted 2002-08-18 10:17 AM

These are truly words that meld with the
title...Yes, faith... Thanx Don...

Nightshade

Member Patricius

since 2001-08-31

Posts 13962
just out of reach

7 posted 2002-08-18 10:31 AM

Patience is worth
so very much

Amen to this! Well done. Chris

Life is not measured by breaths you take, but by moments that take your breath away.

vandana

Member Patricius

since 1999-10-22

Posts 10463
USA

8 posted 2002-08-18 01:49 PM

like it

Enchantress
Member Empyrean

since 2001-08-14

Posts 35113
Canada eh.

9 posted 2002-08-18 01:57 PM

Very nicely done poet sir!
You have been missed.
~Hugs~

~ Time has cast a spell on you
So you won't ever forget me ~

Mistletoe Angel

Member Empyrean

since 2000-12-17

Posts 32816
Portland, Oregon

10 posted 2002-08-18 04:15 PM

(big hugggsssssss) This is sooooooo lovely, sweet friend, yes, she is out there and will be destined to touch your heart! (sigh) This is lovely, sweet friend, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet friend, thank you for sharing!

May love and light always shine upon you!

Love,
Noah Eaton

"Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..."

Shakira

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