Open Poetry #22 |
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Forgive Us For We Knew Not |
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VAS Member Rara Avis
since 2000-11-16
Posts 7450Oregon |
I'm reading "A Rift in Time" by Michael Phillips. Chapter 8 inspired the following. I know it needs work, maybe even a longer page. Please give me your thoughts on its construction and clarity. Not looking for discussion as to its premise, though. We each would have our own thoughts on that. Forgive Us For We Knew Not we walked we talked, yet so much a part of each other words seemed almost unnecessary for He would impart to me His love the trust I held in Him told me I could open my every need my every desire without fear for they were already dear to Him as I looked at flora and fauna about me saw lives intertwining in gentle beauty saw the outcome of their camaraderie it set about a longing in me, sleep came filling me with peace He touched my side, caressed my dreams I awoke as gentle stroke brought profound peace and tender tears cleansed our cheeks as our lives became woven with the joy of His gift and then a rift of darkness stole Him from my side and we she and I stepped into the grayness of our future disobedience stealing our Light bringing night and cold and pain to bear there in sorrow this Adam leaves with Eve at my sleeve to grieve within this tangled weave ©September 7, 2002 1ST REVISION Forgive Us For We Knew Not we walked we talked, so much a part of each other words seemed unnecessary He would impart to me His love, the trust I held in Him told me I could open my every need my every desire without fear for they were dear to Him I looked at flora and fauna about me, saw lives intertwining in gentle beauty saw the outcome of their camaraderie it became a longing in me, until sleep came filling me with peace He touched my side, caressed my dreams I awoke as gentle stroke brought profound peace and tears cleansed our cheeks as our lives became woven with the joy of His gift and then a rift of darkness stole Him from my side and we, she and I stepped into the grayness of our future disobedience stole our Light bringing night and cold and pain and sorrow this Adam leaves with Eve at my side to grieve within this tangled weave ©September 7, 2002 Whether on the shoal or on the shore, I'll seek the lighthouse evermore. [This message has been edited by VAS (09-07-2002 06:14 PM).] |
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© Copyright 2002 Virginia Salter - All Rights Reserved | |||
Mistletoe Angel![]() ![]() ![]()
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
![]() ![]() ![]() BRAVO!!! Oh my gosh, I am not familiar with the works of Michael Philips but now after reading this I can tell he has remarkable writing and have a half a mind immediately to go check him out! (kiss on cheek) This is powerful, sweet friend, I LOVE IT, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Virginia, thank you for sharing! ![]() May love and light always shine upon you! Love, Noah Eaton "Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..." |
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Tiersdin Member Elite
since 2000-11-17
Posts 2364east coast |
VAS, I really enjoyed this... I think it's a great peice. Bravo! ~Tier ![]() "I shall never bond again, as I have bonded with you..." |
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Kethry Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-29
Posts 9082Victoria Australia |
VAS, I loved the first revision you've tightened it somewhat and I liked the way it flowed in both pieces. Kethry Here in the midst of my lonely abyss, a single joy I find...your presence in my mind. Unknown |
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A. L. Becker Member
since 2002-09-06
Posts 167San Francisco, California |
dear VAS, i love the theme, it's not something i've seen before. mightn't "disobedience" be "pride?" Annika:- "Oh, do not ask, 'What is it?' |
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VAS Member Rara Avis
since 2000-11-16
Posts 7450Oregon |
perhaps but that is only one form in my mind, I was seeing Adam so taken with the gift of Eve that he forgot to keep his eyes on the Giver and together they, he and Eve, took their eyes off their Creator and allowed the Light to be stolen from their view finding their future shrouded in shadows pain sorrow Whether on the shoal or on the shore, |
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A. L. Becker Member
since 2002-09-06
Posts 167San Francisco, California |
dear VAS, on second thought, there was no sin before the disobedience, and since pride is a sin, it could not have preceded the disobedience. so you see, your poem has made me think, and for that you should be "proud!" LOL. Annie:- "Oh, do not ask, 'What is it?' |
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Enchantress Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113Canada eh. |
Very profound write here Virginia...I see it as an apology from Adam and Eve for having taken their eyes off the Giver, concentrating more on the gift of each other and their surroundings. Very well written indeed and leaves the reader pondering many thoughts. Enjoyed the read so much! ~Hugs, Nancy~ |
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the_loner_23 Member Ascendant
since 2002-06-08
Posts 5479Jacksonville, Florida, USA |
Awesome Cold hands means a warm heart |
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