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Honeybee
Member Ascendant

since 1999-12-26

Posts 5372
Ontario, CANADA

0 posted 2002-05-01 10:23 PM

I'm really trying to explore all themes and metaphors,
I welcome suggestions, a thumbs up or a thumbs down

Three-Legged Table

They always say
"be patient, you can't hurry what will be."
And that's that, the final word
that I should just live my life
simple, as a matter of fact
and ignore the scream of dream
holding its breath to be inhaled
in wait to paint the black
as a white picket fence.

And they always say
"fate doesn't knock at a closed door,
it will happen when you least expect it,"
but, I expect
and I want
and I feel.
How can I blind-side my step,
forget and go on as if I'm not alone
as if the hope inside my head
doesn't play
or strum an ignorance is bliss sigh
of someday,
of great expectations,
though knowing that I'll have to settle
for the first frisbee thrown
at my open mouthed heart.

"There's plenty of time,
you're still young," they say,
"there's many fish in the sea"
but, what if the one I want
doesn't want the love from me?

So, I'll silence the cliched fairytales
and place their glass remains
once crystal clear,
now fragile stained in my hopechest
born of wide-eyed little girl giggles,
the one who made Barbie and Ken kiss at "I Do."

I pour the puzzle pieces of me
back in the box of no guarantee,
close the lid
and let cupid shake
a coffin full of scabs and scars.

Still, they always say
"it will happen when you least expect it,"
then seat you
at a table for one
to dine on the overchewed appetizer
of what is yet to come.
But, I'm too young
to feel this damn old,
patience is a virtue
I choose not to hold,
I yearn to sleep
to dream again.

Candlelight flickers to mock the face
at the table for two, built in vain,
oh God, I would give anything
for someone to understand my pain.

And they read stories of 'happily ever after,'
yet, my pen leaks of "why?"
and I simply write "the end"
on a three-legged table of hope
left to age on cherry wood oak,
remove the wobbly leg
and the table falls down.

By Melissa P. Monette
[This message has been edited by Melissa Honeybee (05-01-2002 11:11 PM).]

Balladeer

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-05

Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

1 posted 2002-05-01 10:40 PM

You get a thumbs up, a hand up and a leg up on this one! Your metaphor usage is excellent. A three-legged table with a wobbly leg...that's impressive.

The writer, though, comes off sounding like a real whiner. "I'll hold my breath till I turn blue!" LOL! Life doesn't care if we turn blue or not. All of that advice is true...all things come in their own time. Screaming "I want it and I want it now!" just don't cut it! But I know you and I know this is just writing and you did a brilliant job here, patootie

Honeybee
Member Ascendant

since 1999-12-26

Posts 5372
Ontario, CANADA

2 posted 2002-05-01 10:56 PM

Thank you, Michael, your thumbs up means the world to me since you are a highly talented poet in your own right.

I always look forward to your replies and poetic knowledge.
And dangit boy, you sure is funny

I almost didn't post this poem, as I assumed that the readers would think I was being too whiny, and although this is based on my own impatience right now, it is also a test poem trying out a unique metaphor.

Umm, I want Shawn Green in a thong NOW?
Hello fate, did you hear me!!!

That's it, I'm becoming a nun!

"Poetry is not an opinion expressed...
it is a song that rises from a bleeding
wound...or a smiling mouth"

~Kahlil Gibran~

Raz
Member

since 2002-04-30

Posts 51
Quebec, Canada

3 posted 2002-05-01 10:58 PM

Melissa. Interesting read.

'I'm too young
to feel this damn old'

is my favourite. Merci.

-Raz

Mysteria

Member Laureate

since 2001-03-07

Posts 18328
British Columbia, Canada

4 posted 2002-05-01 11:06 PM

quote:
though knowing that I'll have to settle
for the first frisbee thrown
at my open mouthed heart.

Oh girlfriend this was just too good! Your metaphors were used to the poem's advantage in sending a message of simply having enough of being alone already! Enough! This was great Melissa!

Imagination is more important that knowledge
~* Einstein said so*~

Mistletoe Angel

Member Empyrean

since 2000-12-17

Posts 32816
Portland, Oregon

5 posted 2002-05-02 12:41 PM

BRAVO!!! This is absolutely wonderful, sweet friend, your wonderful words and metaphors dazzle across these pages, showing your remarkable talent of your pen! (BIG HUGGGSSSSS) Everyday I am amazed on how you're growing as a writer, sweet friend, this is fabulous, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Melissa, thank you for sharing!

May love and light always shine upon you!

Love,
Noah Eaton

Casanova
Junior Member

since 1999-06-21

Posts 48
Mays Landing NJ

6 posted 2002-05-02 12:48 PM

Melissa, Lovely post! I loved the thought you brought across, and very nicely done, mihgt I add. Lol. Keep it up! -Cas

rosepetals25

Member Elite

since 2000-05-31

Posts 3076
PA

7 posted 2002-05-02 12:52 PM

Melissa,

I liked this

I think you did very well. I hope to see more of this type of stuff from you.
Now chickie, we have to talk about you and your obsession with thongs

Hugs,
Tara

"My heart is like an open book, for the whole world to read"
- Motley Crue, Home Sweet Home

Cerenity
Member Elite

since 2000-02-16

Posts 2637
Escondido-California

8 posted 2002-05-03 08:44 AM

Hi Melissa,

Outstanding work here, simply shaking my head in awe, this is one for my special treasure chest, thank you so much.

Love, Cerenity

SmittenKitten
Senior Member

since 2001-06-20

Posts 1131
where the sky and horizon meet

9 posted 2002-05-03 10:48 AM

"Still, they always say
"it will happen when you least expect it,"
then seat you
at a table for one
to dine on the overchewed appetizer
of what is yet to come."

MelissaBee~ Thumbs up for sure!

Your metaphors are excellent ~ very unique. The above is my favourite but I enjoyed them all throughout. Your desire to challenge yourself is inspiring

*hugs*
~Krista

Your beautiful words & creativity allow me to connect with the same in myself.
Thank you for having the courage to share yourself so that I can too

[This message has been edited by SmittenKitten (05-03-2002 10:49 AM).]

Sven

Member Laureate

since 1999-11-23

Posts 14937
East Lansing, MI USA

10 posted 2002-05-03 04:40 PM

I like it. . . you work with the image here very well. . . and, you make it your own. . .

well done my friend. . .

------------------------------------------------------

To the world, you may only be one person. But to one person, you may be the world.

Enchantress
Member Empyrean

since 2001-08-14

Posts 35113
Canada eh.

11 posted 2002-05-03 04:49 PM

Fantastic Melissa!
Great imagery....enjoyed.
~Hugs~

Chelsea~
Member

since 2001-02-09

Posts 260
Ontario, CANADA

12 posted 2002-05-04 08:42 PM

Missy,

I can only reiterate
what everyone else has said,
sometimes I just don't know
how to reply to your poems,
you leave me speechless, but
that's a very good thing

catalinamoon

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-06-03

Posts 9543
The Shores of Alone

13 posted 2002-05-04 09:46 PM

Oh Melissa, how is it we feel so much the same. Iam impatint, also, but with 20 yea on you, Idon't even feel likeI have timeto be patient. You sid this so incredibly well.
This was my favorie part,
So, I'll silence the cliched fairytales
and place their glass remains
once crystal clear,
now fragile stained in my hopechest
born of wide-eyed little girl giggles,
the one who made Barbie and Ken kiss at "I Do."

But then I read on, and all of it is too good. No whiney sound to me, ither, it just sounds like a damn good writer who deserves to have the best in life.
Hugs
Sandra

Magicmystery
Senior Member

since 2002-02-13

Posts 821
Windsor, Ontario, Canada

14 posted 2002-05-05 03:42 AM

Oh My GOD, Melissa, I can understand you completely here and I have even felt your pain. I have a bad habit of reading Poetry backward... stanza by stanza.... it makes more sense that way sometimes. Looking at the ending, I can grasp the beginning.

Enough with the fairytales!!! life just doesn't happen that way, Although I will agree with one of the "isms" when you least expect it, and from where you least expect it... I met my (future) husband on a hayride while guarding some guy I had a crush on from some girl that a friend of mine liked... we dated for 9 months and broke up... for 13 years!!! I had to kiss many a frog in the meantime....
"though knowing that I'll have to settle
for the first frisbee thrown
at my open mouthed heart"
Why would you want to do that or even consider it? Never "settle for"!!! You will find love and it will find you....
"but, what if the one I want
doesn't want the love from me?"
you need not worry if the one you "want to be with" wants you too. This WILL be mutual, and although alot of work, it will be an even divide....

Wishing you the very best and soon(for your patience sake)

(((hugs)))

Sherry

Cherish the good memories past and look forward to the adventure called Tomorrow.
But above all... be kind to yourself today.

[This message has been edited by Magicmystery (05-05-2002 03:54 AM).]

Severn
Member Rara Avis

since 1999-07-17

Posts 7704

15 posted 2002-05-05 04:25 AM

Hey Melissa...

I like it

This has some very clever moments.

I have compliments and suggestions (of course lol)...

Firstly...I would love to see this poem un-italicised. Why this is so, I’m not sure…but there it is.

Some sections that I think are great:

‘How can I blind-side my step,
forget and go on as if I'm not alone
as if the hope inside my head
doesn't play
or strum an ignorance is bliss sigh
of someday,
of great expectations,
though knowing that I'll have to settle
for the first frisbee thrown
at my open mouthed heart.

So, I'll silence the cliched fairytales
and place their glass remains
once crystal clear,
now fragile stained in my hopechest
born of wide-eyed little girl giggles,
the one who made Barbie and Ken kiss at "I Do."

I pour the puzzle pieces of me
back in the box of no guarantee,
close the lid
and let cupid shake
a coffin full of scabs and scars.

Still, they always say
"it will happen when you least expect it,"
then seat you
at a table for one
to dine on the overchewed appetizer
of what is yet to come.

Hmm…whiny? I’m not sure I agree that this is whiny. To me, it sounds frustrated, sad and impatient. Now, if you wanted to polish this up, I’d suggest editing it a little. Taking out some lines here and there to make the images sharper, more urgent, more immediate.

For instance, this:

So, I'll silence the cliched fairytales
and place their glass remains
once crystal clear,
now fragile stained in my hopechest
born of wide-eyed little girl giggles,
the one who made Barbie and Ken kiss at "I Do."

could read tighter as this:

So, I'll silence the cliched fairytales
and place their glass remains,
fragile stained in my hope-chest
born of little girl giggles,
the one who made Barbie and Ken kiss at "I Do."

and here:

Still, they always say
"it will happen when you least expect it,"
then seat you
at a table for one
to dine on the overchewed appetizer
of what is yet to come.
But, I'm too young
to feel this damn old,
patience is a virtue
I choose not to hold,
I yearn to sleep
to dream again

I’d actually take off the last four lines completely. I’m too young to feel this damn old is fairly powerful. I think a pause after those lines would be really effective, especially when you are leading into the next image of candlelight – which provides a contrast in tone, and imagery.

It’s a matter I suppose of being able to let go of your own words – which can be a really hard thing to do.

Also, some of your compound words need to be separated by a hyphen. When I say need I am speaking from a grammatical prerogative...but you might want to leave them as they are for stylistic purposes.

Those are just a few suggestions, over all – I think this is a really good effort.

K

BloomingRose
Member Elite

since 2000-08-09

Posts 3092
Florida

16 posted 2002-05-05 07:07 AM

So, I'll silence the cliched fairytales
and place their glass remains
once crystal clear,
now fragile stained in my hopechest
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wow...excellent!
Deb

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean

since 2000-02-02

Posts 27738

17 posted 2002-05-05 09:14 AM

Kamla gives great critique, doesn't she?

I'm enjoying the self exploratory themes you are writing of late--and as I explained, I'm rather rotten at critique myself.

loved the Barbie Doll bit. (except I never had a Ken doll...my Barbie was a serviceman groupie...only G.I. Joes for HER)

and this too, made me smile:

though knowing that I'll have to settle
for the first frisbee thrown
at my open mouthed heart.

How well I know this mindset. But do be careful, sometimes those frisbees? Turn out to be cow patties!

Hugs to you Melissa--just keep the flow going girl! You grow in each new post that I read.

Larry C

Member Patricius

since 2001-09-10

Posts 10286
United States

18 posted 2002-05-05 12:40 PM

Missy,
Since you're making issue of age here...you're breaking this daddies heart. I have indeed heard these issues and recognize your voice as one flirting with devastation. This pain is so real and so difficult to live with. Loneliness is so...alone. I can't do alone either.

That suggestion of making the last line about too damn old the last line was excellent.

I really like your flexibility in styles. Your poetic ability is something I so admire. But I do indeed hope that the things you long for catch you by surprise and last you a life time. What a sweetie you are. All the best. larry c

It's never too late to have a good childhood! Woohoo!

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

19 posted 2002-05-05 12:46 PM

Melybee...there is nothing for me to add. You've received some valuable insight on the comments above...all I can give?

That's it!

Honeybee
Member Ascendant

since 1999-12-26

Posts 5372
Ontario, CANADA

20 posted 2002-05-05 02:47 PM

First, let me thank everyone who has replied to this poem, I truly appreciate it, as I am really working hard on bettering my poetic knowldege and style.

Kamla, I really do like your suggestions, and will take them into consideration.
Sometimes when a poet writes a poem they are blinded by their words and are unable to pick out the small flaws. But, I thank you for pointing them out, for the most part I agree with you and I am eager to re-write and/or polish this up for another time.

Thanks a million, I love honest critiques, and you were not harsh about it, and that makes all the difference

  And yes, it is really hard for me to let go of some words, but, I'll just have to learn that it's for the best.

No one has made this suggestion to me, but, there is one stanza that doesn't quite fit in this poem, but, then again, I could be wrong.

"I pour the puzzle pieces of me
back in the box of no gurantee,
close the lid
and let cupid shake
a coffin fulls of scabs and scars."

Although I really like that stanza, I might take it out of this poem and put it in my new one that I am finishing up.

Of course, if anyone feels that the above stanza does fit perfectly in this poem, please let me know and I may keep it in.  I'm torn as to what to do.

Melissa~

"Poetry is not an opinion expressed...
it is a song that rises from a bleeding
wound...or a smiling mouth"

~Kahlil Gibran~

[This message has been edited by Melissa Honeybee (05-05-2002 02:51 PM).]

Magicmystery
Senior Member

since 2002-02-13

Posts 821
Windsor, Ontario, Canada

21 posted 2002-05-05 04:58 PM

I pour the puzzle pieces of me
back in the box of no gurantee,
close the lid and let cupid shake~~~(maybe fate instead?)
a coffin fulls of scabs and scars."~~~(half healed wounds)
=====================================

No, Melissa, I really think that you should leave this one in.... it is valid....(though suggest these revisions).... First, because some of them are missing... puzzles like this are never completed until you find that other... whatever or whoever that will be. And second because I understand the pain that comes with the "no guarantee part..... only to be upset when next comes around and you are hesitant to take the chance and just be hurt once more..

Love, Light and Peace,

Sherry

Cherish the good memories past and look forward to the adventure called Tomorrow.
But above all... be kind to yourself today.
[This message has been edited by Magicmystery (05-05-2002 05:01 PM).]

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