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Open Poetry #20
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Drink water from my lips
| Open Poetry #20 |
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Drink water from my lips |
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Raz Member
since 2002-04-30
Posts 51Quebec, Canada |
Drink water from my lips It tears My senses. Sweet, when first I saw you, All speech died… -Catullus So beautiful it’s not uncommon that angels blind themselves rather than fall. I’ll forget the taste of your mouth after a drag of my fag, that wine tastes better on your lips. Your scent will fade from my skin, the smell of sleeping alone cover the once stronger smell of us. Your face is still dearest to me. I look for you in strangers, listen for your voice in foreign mouths. The thought of a new lover, any comfort, is like returning to a bad habit; the palimpsest addictions of youth. I am left with creating you in words, dulling your face with pen, closing your eyes with careless hand swept across the page. I can’t sleep for dreaming of you. Drink these words like water from my lips. |
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| © Copyright 2002 Raz - All Rights Reserved | |||
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nakdthoughts Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200Between the Lines |
well everyone will be drinking your words in Raz and savoring them..I learned a new word today..and I do believe you have many layers to you and your writings... *s M |
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Hallucination Member
since 2001-03-18
Posts 419 |
Very emotional poem here, I really like the way you describe this whole theme...very nice  |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
That was explosively good. |
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Larry C
since 2001-09-10
Posts 10286United States |
Well Raz, I know nothing of poetry from a technical sense. But I know I like your style. Fine job. It's never too late to have a good childhood! Woohoo! |
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Dee Member Elite
since 2000-08-19
Posts 2330Queensland, Australia |
Raz, your structure and vocabulary are great. I would have to read a dictionary before I would be game to "Nit-pick if a word / line bothers you" Dee Stand straight and tall, not the reflection as others see you, but as you truely are. Clearwater |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Raz, interesting that you should quote Catullus, who is generally known for his rude and often crude poetry, filled with obscenities and tasteless wording, to lead into such a touching piece. I enjoy the thoughts you present..looking for her in the faces of strangers, listening for her voice to come out of others mouths, dulling her face with your pen (for who could reproduce the beauty of the actual?). Since you don't mind and even look for nit-picking, I have to say that I have a problem with: I’ll forget the taste of your mouth after a drag of my fag, that wine tastes better on your lips. Maybe it's just me due to the fact I'm more of a structured kinda guy, but that sentence, aside from being gramatically off, seems very awkward to me. The second half seems to have little to do with the first half yet it is part of the same sentence. If you are simply using poetic license there then my point in mute. the smell of sleeping alone cover the once stronger smell of us. Once again, my grammatical beast raises it's often mistaken head but "smells" or "covers" would be acccurate but "smell cover" as the subject and verb fracture the rules in a very obvious way. Needless to say I still enjoy the piece very much and your talent is obvious..  |
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Enchantress Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113Canada eh. |
Raz, you offer us a very unique style and way with words. I look forward to more of your writing. ~Hugs~ ~Somewhere in my heart I'm always |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Please allow me to correct myself on Catullus...he was also known as possibly the greatest love poet of his time (when he wasn't being crude and vulgar ), adept at portraying the image of women he loved through his poetry. Therefore, I can see he would be an excellent choice... |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
your style of writing really reminds me of someone I know. Hmmmm..I wonder who? Anyway, this poem...is excellent. I agree with the term explosive - it's urgent and immediate Love the quotation insertion...fits very well with your style of writing. I really only have one problem with this: 'the palimpsest addictions of youth.' While palimpsest is a nice word in and of itself..it's awkward here..I think it interferes with the rhythm...the flow. Otherwise, this is great, and I'm putting it in my library. Hope to see more from you.  K ~All my life I've been crazy |
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Duncan Member Ascendant
since 2001-08-07
Posts 5455 |
I’ll forget the taste of your mouth after a drag of my fag, that wine tastes better on your lips. Your scent will fade from my skin, the smell of sleeping alone cover the once stronger smell of us. I noticed the same thing Michael did, these verses felt awkward because of the grammar. I'm not a stickler for grammar or any other hold to form. But here it seemed to distract from the thoughts. Really like your style of writing. |
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Greeneyes 
since 2000-09-09
Posts 9903In Your Poetic Mind |
Very Stunning you fit well here... Lauren~ ~Sinking fast into |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
It seems to me by reading you I shall have the best of both worlds...your efforts, and the responses to read in light of same...truly, lessons at their best... Enjoyed this very much! |
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Raz Member
since 2002-04-30
Posts 51Quebec, Canada |
Balladeer. Point taken on the grammatical stumbles. I suffer from the horrible affliction of lax grammar. I do play fast and loose at times for the sake of a line. I’ll forget the taste of your mouth after a drag of my fag, that wine tastes better on your lips. What in my mind connects the sentence is forgetting. I try avoid repetition whenever possible, and when I feel the sense is left intact. (Though what I think makes sense and what makes sense to the rest of the world do not always coincide.) I do see how the sense and construction of that strophe may appear muddled (grammatically) if ‘that’ refers to ‘wine’. I was hoping to somehow transcend the laws of Grammar (much like the laws of gravity) and have ‘that’ refer back to ‘I’ll forget’. Dang. Your scent will fade from my skin, the smell of sleeping alone cover the once stronger smell of us. Same for the next strophe, I suppose. To avoid repetition I cut the (what I felt) implicit ‘will’ before ‘cover’. I’ll pay more attention to the grammar in the future. Your point still holds water, beyond questions of poetic license. all critical points would be moot if what the author said were the be-all and end-all of the discussion. I wrote a paper on Catullus a ways back… read him cover to cover in at least three translations (will learn Latin some day, maybe). His invectives are fun… he is quite the potty-mouth at times. But his love poems and his longer poems are beautiful… he’s quite the character. I like the apparent contradictions one finds in his work. Severn, I've cut the palimpsest line, put it back, cut it… spliced it into different poems. I think I’ll have to bury it eventually. M (layered like an onion), Hallucination, Squirrel (boom), Larry, Dee (when you get through the dictionary be sure to nit-pick… like chimps delousing each other… seems gross at first but is actually quite helpful), Enchantress, Duncan, Lauren (Merci de m’avoir invité, I do like it here), Sunshine, thank you all for your kind, encouraging and helpful responses. -Raz |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
"I am left with creating you in words, dulling your face with pen, closing your eyes with careless hand swept across the page." The above my favorite stanza...yet, I see this gesture of closing, not careless, but tender. The word careless bothered me. Enjoyed reading this ...and welcome to Passions! |
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Tracey Member Elite
since 2001-08-29
Posts 2808where insanity meets breeding |
I am left with creating you in words, dulling your face with pen, closing your eyes with careless hand swept across the page. I can’t sleep for dreaming of you. Drink these words like water from my lips. This touches me in places I cannot even begin to explain. Suffice it to say, I’ve been there. I won’t make any comments on the form or grammar. To me, poetry is just something that spills out, and I let the words fall where they may. I like where these ones fell. I haven’t been around here much lately, but I’d like to give a big welcome to the pip pages. By the way, I wouldn’t have particularly noticed the use of “careless” in the last stanza, but I read it again after martie’s comment, and it made me think of it in another way. Made me think of how sometimes we carelessly lose the person we love and don’t realize it, til it’s too late. If she who dies with the most toys wins, then can I have some toy boys please? |
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