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Open Poetry #20
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velvet scratches
| Open Poetry #20 |
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velvet scratches |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738
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lines that don't connect the dots. There are winds that feed the water. There are visions in ink blot. aspersions cast by luck of moon. Scratches in these velvet days-- that sound a hollow-ringed spittoon. fluid, through a traipse of glass mesmerizing in journey-- ruins-- through a glance of past. insistant in its urge to run-- the scratches in a velvet pile show colors in the pass of sun. that boast of being worn... As if they told a war story. As if they screamed of being born. geez, took out an apostrophe, but sigh of sighs, "it's" was driving me nuts!  NOW TALK ABOUT NUTS...I came back AGAIN to add an "r" to apostrophe! *grumble* I should go to bed! sigh...guess who didn't go to bed? Found a noun/verb disagreement too...SOMEBODY STOP ME!!! I swear...this is IT...and Ron didn't believe me about editing...HAH! ('scuse me folks, just trying to fix the meter! go back to what you were doing...no cause for alarm...  )sigh....now maybe? I can rest? triple sigh...came back to add an a parenthesis for clarity....  CHRISTOPHER DID THIS TO ME!!!! ROFLMAO....and hey, thank YOU![This message has been edited by serenity (04-30-2002 01:58 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 serenity blaze - All Rights Reserved | |||
Larry C
since 2001-09-10
Posts 10286United States |
serenity, The beauty in our imperfections! Awesome write. You are inspired for sure.  |
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NapalmsConstantlyConfused
since 2001-05-15
Posts 529 |
very interesting - and my cat liked it too - she climbed up on the desk to stare at it from maybe 3 inches away, hehe. -Dave |
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Casanova Junior Member
since 1999-06-21
Posts 48Mays Landing NJ |
Hey Great Write. And it's ok to be picky, Don't let go of that. :-) |
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Duncan Member Ascendant
since 2001-08-07
Posts 5455 |
Why the hell would we wanna stop you? Go on...please!!! You're awesome, ya know that? |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
really? sheepish and somewhat sly...AWESOME? NO, I DIDN'T KNOW!!!! TELL ME!!!! Sweet, sweetness of replies...hugging my heart again here! |
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Dark Stranger Member Patricius
since 2001-03-19
Posts 13631West Coast |
ms s enjoyed the image of velvet scratches sends my imagine down a dim lit hall to sigh sound secrets beyond |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
There are scratches in the velvet-- lines that don't connect the dots. There are winds that feed the water. There are visions in ink blot. Where there is light, a shadow plays-- aspersions cast by luck of moon. Scratches in these velvet days-- that sound a hollow-ringed spittoon. ==================================== *smaking sens hand as she clicks edit button* Do we have to have Ron revoke your editing privlegdes?  heheif it aint broke...dont fix it... cant mess with perfection dont cha know very very cool metaphor here me twin...and love the meter change up and cleverly created flow in that 3rd verse... take a nap and leave this gem alone.  ... and I don't know why ... |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
"There's hope in ticking of a clock insistant in its urge to run-- the scratches in a velvet pile show colors in the pass of sun." I love the way you write, Karen. A wonderful idea, velvet. |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
The running monologue was almost like being there as you wrote it! Loved it missy!!!  |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
The poem was pretty good...the comments were awesome!! |
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Interloper
since 2000-11-06
Posts 8369Deep in the heart |
Whew, what a ride! Now I'm sleepy ... |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
Loved it. Especially the traipsing through glass bit, and the stuff about velvet piles with scratches coloring the sun. Or something like that. |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
rofl special k - this is an incredible idea... but, i have to ask, why do you constrain it in a rhyme scheme? this deserves to be breathed slowly, not bound in a set rhythm. really liked: There is sand and memory, fluid, Though i think "fluid" should be italicized and comma-less. hugs, midi-K C |
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Sven
since 1999-11-23
Posts 14937East Lansing, MI USA |
I don't know that this is in that strict of a rhyme scheme. . . it flows very well just as it is. . . love the comments that you put in as well. . . the things that we do to make ourselves understood!! ------------------------------------------------------- To the world, you may only be one person. But to one person, you may be the world. |
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Mistletoe Angel
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
 (smiles) Awwwwwww, I love this, sweet friend, your comments that you always put in your poems always crack me up and make me smile, those are like poems altogether! (kiss on cheek) It is so great to read your work again, sweet friend, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Karen, thank you for sharing!  May love and light always shine upon you!' Love, Noah Eaton |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
Chris said: quote: UMMMMM CHRIS???? Because she IS rhythm and rhyme ... she talks in rhyme in her sleep... Dont ya know its in the water there...rhyme divine...Mardi-gras magic rhyme water...cajun cadence...ya cant turn back this tide baby...dont even try ... JUST SEND ME VIALS ROFL hehehe. Ok...moth fit is over [This message has been edited by Janet Marie (04-30-2002 10:06 PM).] |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
cracking up here again...watch it C! Seems I have this unusual bodyguard, lol, y'see, there's this lady poet with wings... Thanks for the advice though, and I agree with you about the fluid being italicized, but I've done enough with this one for now. And thanks all...sorry I haven't been reading much. I really AM going to bed early (for me, anyway) I hope to catch up on my reading over coffee in the morning! Love and velvet hugs!  to forum! |
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