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Open Poetry #25
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The Line of You
| Open Poetry #25 |
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The Line of You |
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regards2you Member Elite
since 2002-10-01
Posts 3940California |
Euphoria ~The line of you~ Inhaled Double image Razor sharp mind Scrapping Last tastes Of you With Fingertips to Swollen lips I Savor The flavor Of Entwined. . . . . ..without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.. "Desiderata" [This message has been edited by regards2you (02-18-2003 02:40 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2003 Patricia L.Thompson - All Rights Reserved | |||
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ThisDiamond Member Rara Avis
since 2002-02-22
Posts 9353Michigan, USA |
WHeeewwww! That's a hotty! Very Good my friend. Smiles from ThisDiamond |
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Seymour Tabin Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720Tamarac Fla |
Pat, You can be sharp, enjoyed. |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
nice... the imagery used one that can be taken to scraping lines off a mirror..one sort of addiction... to describe another sort of addiction or need..to be entwined.. clever work...and well sone.. sensual... steamy...and the hints of a more dangerous excitement... bravo!!! |
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regards2you Member Elite
since 2002-10-01
Posts 3940California |
What a joy for me. Having three of my personal favorite poets, masters each in their own right, respond made my day. Kathleen, Thanks for the very good and smiles. Sy, I'll take that as a compliment. Smiling here. Ron, Yep! Those were my exact intentions. Also, I wanted and did use the word sniff (for the hint of cutting/using/to tie into ~line~ (fyi, never tried it myself) but I am not satisfied with the "sniff you off", (vulgar) but it did capture what I was going for....but, I don't like it.... still experimenting with writing...I have three lines dancing through my mind regarding one of your poems and cannot think of the name of it right now...re: woman stuck mid.(?) stream(ice broke?) and rescued....something ford???... anyway, lines in my mind haven't changed tho. not written them down, and had not planned on writing anything about it. If I do I don't want to force it, it seems to be writing itself. Thank you for your support and help. Hugs to all three of you, Pat  ..without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.. |
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Brad Majors
since 2001-04-03
Posts 2647Georgia |
I love waht you did with line arrangement! very good peice1 |
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regards2you Member Elite
since 2002-10-01
Posts 3940California |
Thank you Brad for taking the time to read and reply. Line arrangement is difficult for me sometimes with non-rhyming, short poetry. Glad you think it turned out well. Hugs, Pat ..without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.. |
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garysgirl
since 2002-09-29
Posts 19237Florida, USA |
Very, very good writing, Pat.....  |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
nice...very good |
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GG Member Elite
since 2002-12-03
Posts 3532Lost in thought |
enjoyed much you say things in such a unique way and the internal wordplay and rhyme always keep me excited to see what will come next. And then, the images created are no less fantastic Hugs Always, Alyssa - And so it was that time stood still - |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
might just replace the line in question with one word... inhaled it changes the tone however.and take aaway a bit of the edgy feel.. personally..I'd leave it as is..and let the edgy way it is said add to the feel. |
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SweetSerenity Member
since 2003-02-16
Posts 52Canada |
I enjoyed that poem a lot. I really liked the line arrangement also. I've enjoyed your poetry on here so far. Looking forward to seeing more! ~A touch of Sweetness . . . . . A lifetime of Serenity~ |
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regards2you Member Elite
since 2002-10-01
Posts 3940California |
Ron, That is interesting because I had "inhalation" and would have changed the tense, on my first draft, but it didn't seem quite strong enough to tie into a hit, or ~a line~....I will let it go... my writing a constant work in progress and I so appreciate your commments and helpful advise.... Thanks Pat ..without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.. |
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jellybeans Member Elite
since 2000-10-13
Posts 2298 |
very nicely done.....enjoyed |
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regards2you Member Elite
since 2002-10-01
Posts 3940California |
Ethel, Dixie, Sweet Sernity, Jellybeans, Thanks to all of you for reading and replying....Hugs, Pat Alyssa, I think the same thing about your writing. Thanks, Hugs and Love Ron, each time I've reread this I cringe at that line so have decided to change it to inhaled.. thanks, hugs, Pat though probably won't show for awhile ..without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.. |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
Pat, this reminds me of Hannibal(spelling?)...and think that "entwined" is a wonderful word to use here...concise but tells many things... |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
reads well with the change of line... but I knew it would  The original line was perhaps a bit crunchy for the smooth flow of the rest..a single word adds to the flow, and removes little of the edgy feel... |
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regards2you Member Elite
since 2002-10-01
Posts 3940California |
Kaile, Thanks for responding to this and my other poem. Glad we are still friends in spite of differences. Hugs. I thought Hannibol (I am not well read, so could be mistaken, or could be many Hannibols a serial killer shrink, who ate various parts of his victims) I was comparing two different forms of Euphoria (the line of cocaine, cut and sniffed, and "The Line of You" (his whole essence) but I doubt she'd ever be so in love with someone she'd want to eat him...bite him, maybe snickering, anyway, thank you....Savor the flavor ties into each instance Thanks, Pat Ron, Aren't words wonderful? And how they change even when changing tenses, sometimes. So much to learn. Love it though. Thanks for taking the time again to answer. I was pleased that at least I had come up with the right word, or one you, an expert writer suggested, though my choice was in wrong tense and I didn't consider it after the sniff. And, I didn't change tenses and even consider them until after I had all thoughts and basic lines the way I wanted. I wonder how long it'll take to get to the point of being able to distinquish these things myself. Liked your comment crunchy vs. smooth of the overall poem...Today when I think of the original line it makes me laugh....romantic huh???? "Come here, let me sniff you off" hahahahaha... don't know where my mind is sometimes, but, hopefully, in time, I'll be able to use a little more finesse. Again, thank you so very much. Pat ..without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.. "Desiderata" [This message has been edited by regards2you (02-19-2003 09:04 PM).] |
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Aenimal Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-18
Posts 7350the ass-end of space |
fantastic write,missed the original so can only speak for the finished product |
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Toerag Member Ascendant
since 1999-07-29
Posts 5622Ala bam a |
I know...you wrote this to me...right?...(We'll just keep it our little secret...okay?) |
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regards2you Member Elite
since 2002-10-01
Posts 3940California |
Aenimal, How glad I am to see you reading and taking your time to answer with a reply. It means a lot to me. In my comment to Ron, In part, I had been imagining being in a relationship saying "come here, let me.....", which I find amusing, but I do have a warped sense of humor.... In the poem I had and replaced only "sniff you off" with the one word of "Inhaled" Glad you liked this. Thank you, Toe, Ssssshhhhh.....people will talk... I inhale you from all the way out here and it is a wonderful scent of humor, love, wisdom and kindness....lucky lady, your wife....Hugs and love, Pat Thanks to both of you. ..without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.. |
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Mistletoe Angel
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
 (smiles) Oh Patricia, this is beautiful, sweet friend, and may your hear forever be outlined by that of your loves and be the Christmas lights that decorate your smiles! (kiss on cheek) I love this, sweet friend, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Patricia, thank you for sharing!  May love and light always shine upon you! Love Noah Eaton "Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..." |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
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Marge Tindal
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
Pat~ How wonderful is this write ? V E R Y !! To be able to use imagery , as you have done, is a talent beyond what I've seen from several other writers here~ Enjoyed the read and the rapport between you and your responders~ [my apologies ... sir ...] Love your writing, dear poetess~ Keep it up ... the poem you sent me last evening is SO GOOD !!!! Hope to see you back here 'soon'~ *Huglets* and *God Blesses* (for He surely does) ~*Marge*~  ~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~ [email protected] [This message has been edited by Marge Tindal (06-19-2003 09:20 PM).] |
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