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Open Poetry #25
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Please critique my poem
| Open Poetry #25 |
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Please critique my poem |
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brtymj New Member
since 2003-03-05
Posts 8 |
LUST BEATS LOVE love is love their aint no crossin the line as long as it remains in the end of time your brests and curves lust me to take action yes im a slave, to sexual attraction theres something more behind my eyes that go blind when your soultry aura captures my mind your smile of an angel fallen to earth your quaking footsteps that draw my ears your direction I'm shakin perfusely when your in my presence but if you look into my eyes and theres no love to be found theres gotta be some if you looked around loves in your familey, loves in your friends its in that guy who's wheelchair bound its in those who live without makin a sound but not for me its in the soil and the trees the runnin rivers and the warm summer breeze its in the skybound birds that take flight beneith the rollin waves in terminal night for I am a slave to natural selection my nich of reproduction is my sole intention thats why I shake when I look in your eyes the power of lust wont let love get a try im just an animal, yes i am blind but gimmie some time and mabey loves what I'll find |
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| © Copyright 2003 brtymj - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Jason Lyle Senior Member
since 2003-02-07
Posts 1438With my darkling |
Beautiful......but if you want critique, check your spelling...breast, family, maybe. Jason |
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TaureauRouge Junior Member
since 2002-06-01
Posts 26A mass of land between two oceans |
First of all, the line about breasts and curves I would move a little further towards the center of the poem because the rhyme is a powerful one and I believe it would have more of an impact with a bigger set up. Also, I would eliminate the subjunctive words (there's, ain't, who's) and spell out both of the words. "I should have been a pair of ragged claws/ Scuttling over the floors of silent seas"-T.S. Eliot |
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Ringo 
since 2003-02-20
Posts 3684Saluting with misty eyes |
Nice job. Welcome to the open Forum. It was a good read. The only suggestion I would have (as if I knew better) is to check the rhymes. Most times you have two lines rhyming together, yet at others you don't. Other than that, again, good write. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Welcome to Passions! You've received some good advice from your fellow poets. Please, check your E-mail for a Special Greeting! Karilea |
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Mistletoe Angel
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
  (smiles) Yay, I too would follow the advice of these poets that have spoken, this is an excellent passionate debut, I love it!!! Welcome to Passions, sweet friend, may you be inspired by all of us here as we will all be inspired by your lovely words! I can't wait to read more of your lovely words, sweet friend, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet friend, thank you for sharing!  May love and light always shine upon you! Love, Noah Eaton "Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..." |
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regards2you Member Elite
since 2002-10-01
Posts 3940California |
~Welcome to Passions~ You do have some lines here that I like a great deal. For instance: "...it's in the soil and trees, the runnING river and warm summer breeze" Please check out other forums here. We have one specifically for your request of critiquing. ALso, have a poetry workshop you might find interesting. Not sure of your age, but there is a teen section, too. I don't spell well and have no word processor, so I write my poetry as an e-mail to me and run it through the spell check. Amazing results. I don't personally like rollin, gimmie, and such slang....to each his own... think you have a lot of talent, and you'll find many here willing to help. I usually do not critique... Again, liked some of the thoughts you presented. Thanks for posting and look forward to reading more of your work. Hugs, Pat  ..without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.. "Desiderata" [This message has been edited by regards2you (03-05-2003 12:38 PM).] |
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littlewing Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655New York |
br - Welcome - hehe Im new too - as I read I can understand your dilemma but it did sadden me because with passion there must be caring or it isnt passion at all - a good write - you will gain much insight here - everyone is wonderful xxoo |
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aries_luv_ppl Senior Member
since 2001-09-20
Posts 1448Universal Mind |
I disagree with your poem; nevertheless, it is nicely written. ~Every girl has a dream within. |
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Mysteria
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
Love gets me every time~but nicely written though. |
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WhiteRose Member Elite
since 2002-07-23
Posts 3208somebody's dungeon |
A very nice write. |
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Corinne Member Ascendant
since 1999-10-28
Posts 5167state of confusion |
As Sunshine suggested, the forum for critique is really a more appropriate place for crit. First, I'd highly recommend that you use a spell checker. If you're using Microsoft Word, you'll find spell checking under "Tools." Second, when you use contractions, you need to use the proper punctuation, as in apostrophes - as well as using punctuation for pause and effect in general. Check with your teacher for classes in writing and grammar. their aint (ain't) no crossin the line - "Their" should be "there." as long as it remains in the end of time your brests (breasts) and curves lust me to take action yes im (I'm) a slave, to sexual attraction theres something more behind my eyes that go blind when your soultry (sultry) aura captures my mind your smile of an angel fallen to earth your quaking footsteps that draw my ears your direction I'm shakin perfusely (profusely) when your (you're) in my presence but if you look into my eyes and theres (there's)no love to be found theres (there's) gotta be some if you looked around loves in your familey, (family) loves in your friends its (it's) in that guy who's wheelchair bound its (it's) in those who live without makin (makin') a sound but not for me, its (it's) in the soil and the trees the runnin (runnin')wind the warm summer breeze its (it's) in the skybound birds that take flight beneith (beneath)the rollin (rollin')waves in terminal night for I am a slave to natural selection my nich (niche)of reproduction is my sole intention thats why I shake when I look in your eyes the power of lust wont let love get a try im (I'm) just an animal, yes i am blind but gimmie some time and mabey (maybe) loves (love's) what I'll find Best of luck! Core [This message has been edited by Corinne (03-15-2003 06:24 PM).] |
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Enchantress Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113Canada eh. |
Welcome to Passions.. Love is a winner every time! ~Hugs~ ~ Trace my body with your words.. |
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Paul Wilson
since 2002-07-07
Posts 4711United States |
brtymj...I agree with Corinne and the others that have replied to your poem. Please don't take this as bashing your poem, we just want to help you IMPROVE your writing skills and nurture your love of poetry. Take time too read some of the poetry within our different forums and you will learn much as I have. Welcome to Passions and I hope you stay for a long time...Paul "To share my poems with you is to share my heart with you" [This message has been edited by Paul Wilson (03-15-2003 10:55 PM).] |
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Chanson Senior Member
since 2000-08-19
Posts 1559Up Creek w/Out Paddle |
Hello grtymj, welcome to Passions. You will find friendly smiles and, when asked, friendly critique. Proper spelling, grammar, and punctuation are tremendous enhancements to any/all poetry. My friendly advice is to double and triple check. The dictionary has become a valuable and trusted friend, inseparable even, to me. And we can use all the friends we can get, right? *s Continue to write and explore. Learning should be and IS fun! When you think you have heard it all, listen more closely. ~Dorene [This message has been edited by Chanson (03-16-2003 03:16 PM).] |
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carol Senior Member
since 2003-01-25
Posts 624Florida USA |
Very good  Real friends celebrate in who we are and have faith in all that we can become |
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