Turn of a Maniac - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

Open Poetry #19

Turn of a Maniac

Michael G
Senior Member

since 2000-06-25

Posts 579
Nashville

0 posted 2002-02-22 01:41 AM

Where the time slips from my hands
I change the rags, allowing myself
the single moment of pain that
embraces my laguished heart.
As fallen anger has touched me
flows of passion ring true
taking my last tear to the earth
letting the wind laught at me.
I have found serenity in the last
light of days which take me on
the journey through times past
futures forgotten agony has lost.
Out of this, the silence that presses
me to a seperate wall, attacking
what little fright I have left
to a source of calmness I can feel.

Professor Gloom
Member Elite

since 2000-07-23

Posts 3082
of Depression

1 posted 2002-02-22 07:34 AM

I like what emotions this holds,
Think it could be displayed a bit better.
First sentence:

Where the time slips from my hands
I change the rags, allowing myself
the single moment of pain that
embraces my laguished heart.

My humble rewrite as example:

Where the time slips
From my hands I change rags,
Allowing myself
The single moment of pain
That embraces my languished hear.

Same words, slight rearrangement,
Makes the reader pause in more natural patterns.
Give the phrases more emphasis.

Gloom

Sven

Member Laureate

since 1999-11-23

Posts 14937
East Lansing, MI USA

2 posted 2002-02-22 03:47 PM

I like Gloom's idea as well. . . there's a lot of emotion here. . . flows well. . .

--------------------------------------------------------

To the world, you may only be one person. But to one person, you may be the world.

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.