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Open Poetry #19
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Sonnet 1 (Cuz I never written one before yuh)
| Open Poetry #19 |
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Sonnet 1 (Cuz I never written one before yuh) |
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wayoutwalt Member Elite
since 1999-06-22
Posts 4870TEXAS (it's all big) 
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Need help its for class... Falling, within, a vain attempt of flight Where fluttered eyes have wings of yielding faith These times my lips have words they could recite But ‘pon the broken stones my body lay’th Conceit, an ill approach… must I barter? Inflammatory heart bursts from pressure I, the one who spoke of love the martyr Stilled the tongue I will not keep in leisure The stones, once sharp, have dulled beneath my throat My words, of which precede my lonesome death Took life, in shadowed wisdom, once I wrote, “Don’t waste, on fear, a single treading breath” Watchful, weary eye, must you stay aloof? I think, you know, a man must have his proof [This message has been edited by wayoutwalt (02-21-2002 01:04 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 Walt Burns - All Rights Reserved | |||
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
I love the flair of this, and it's a different style from you, and I also love seeing the stretching of pen here. The lines flow from one to another, but if you need help? I am not very good at critique...you may want to post this in C/A for that. All that I am qualified to tell you? Is that I LOVE it! (and OH, tho, one tiny thing, I sure wish you guys would tell which form of sonnet--I am quite dense and always seem to forget!  A wonderful treat from you, Waltie! |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Hey walty... Your theme is good.. Your rhyme scheme is intact... and your syllable count is OK.. Your iambics aren't pentametering though... That's all that needs fixing.. Um... I think actually, it's your pentameter that isn't iambicing...  |
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Mistletoe Angel 
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
 (smiles) I don't know hardly anything about the forms and structures of sonneys, but I love this so much and will take Karen and Nan's words on it! (big hugggssssss) We all love you so much, sweet friens, we all wish you the greatest luck in your class! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Walter, thank you for sahring!  May love and light always shine upon you! Love, Noah Eaton |
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Interloper
since 2000-11-06
Posts 8369Deep in the heart |
I'd say you scored on your first shot |
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wayoutwalt Member Elite
since 1999-06-22
Posts 4870TEXAS (it's all big) |
thank you all and yuh i will take a look at it. Mary had a little iamb but Walt just didnt know |
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wayoutwalt Member Elite
since 1999-06-22
Posts 4870TEXAS (it's all big) |
still not right but a rewrite nonetheless Falling, within, a vain attempt of flight On waving eyes are wings of yielding faith Each time my lips have words they could recite But ‘pon the broken stones my body lay’th Conceit, an ill approach, must I barter? Inflammatory heart, sudden pressure And I had spoken Love as the martyr! Tranquil tongue I will not keep in leisure The stones, once sharp, have dulled beneath my throat My words, of which precede abandoned death Took life, of shadowed wisdom, once I wrote, “Don’t waste, on fear, a solitary breath” Observant eye, why must you stay aloof? I think, you see, a man must have his proof |
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095 |
Hi Walty I'm not up-to-date with Iamb etc but I do know that I love it Great stuff m'dear Maree |
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amusemi Senior Member
since 2001-12-08
Posts 1262A State of Disarray |
Cool write anyway you look at it. I am not an iambic lover, too constraining and not my forte... sorry..no help. |
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Victoria
since 2000-08-12
Posts 5869 |
Hard to believe it is your first sonnet Walt...loved it ~Vic |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
Good Job Skipper!!!  |
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Sven
since 1999-11-23
Posts 14937East Lansing, MI USA |
hi there walt. . .  I like the flow of the revise better. . . but, I'm wondering about this line. . . quote: Now, I like using Old English as much as the next person. . . but, I'm wondering if this really needs to be in this poem. . . that's it. . . hope that you get an A+!! --------------------------------------------------------- To the world, you may only be one person. But to one person, you may be the world. |
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wayoutwalt Member Elite
since 1999-06-22
Posts 4870TEXAS (it's all big) |
Falling, within, a vain attempt of flight On waving eyes are wings of yielding trust Each time my lips have words they could recite But slammed against the stones, revealed in lust Conceit, an ill approach, deprives the whole? Inflammatory heart, impulsive thought And I had spoken Love as martyred soul! Relaxing tongue in time I would have caught But stones, once sharp, have dulled beneath my throat My words, of which precede abandoned death Took life, of shadowed wisdom, once I wrote, “Don’t waste, on fear, a solitary breath” Observant eye, why must you stay aloof? I think, you see, a man must have his proof [This message has been edited by wayoutwalt (02-21-2002 11:10 PM).] |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Better... Better.... |
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