Face Against A Window (revised)

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Allysa

Senior Member

since 1999-11-09

Posts 1952
In an upside-down garden

0 posted 2003-08-09 03:21 PM

Not yet old enough
to face the darkness,
alone she wanders through it,
its sharp teeth nip at her everynight.

Shadows no longer startle her,
no, it is the sky,
as empty as a forgotten love,
that disrupts her calm stare
capturing her curiousity
and driving her away.

Whatever it was, she lost it
through the tunnel from
the hole in her pocket
to the incision in her heart,
it slid away like soap,
or perhaps in the form
of something much more
intangilble to her.

She presses her nose against a window,
her breath leaves a layer of fog
in the artic touch of winter
and she belives that maybe,
if she leaves an indent
they will remember her for who she was.

Someone needs to grab her hand
pull her out of the frigid frost
but no one's willing to stick out their neck
to save a girl from the invisible,
not even an umbrella can keep out
the sugar coated rain in this world,
there are too many holes to cover up
and simply not enough plaster.

She's too bland to be remembered.
Everything is something and nothing
in this fantasy world where
the temperature is always freezing,
she wears the snow in her hair,
a crown adorning what remains
of a distressed and torn girl.

The only thing she left behind
was a breath mark on the window,
with an imprint of her scoured face in the ice
she's the one no one wants to see
and they won't notice that she's left,
until the smudges fade away.

Marshalzu

Member Elite

since 2001-02-15

Posts 2681
Lurking

1 posted 2003-08-10 06:22 PM

Wow... this is amazing, I was so engrossed in it I didn't even realised that my computer had disconnected from the web. I just love the imagery that you have used and most of all I love the last stanza which is so beautiful and tragic. Thank you for sharing this with us

Andy

wranx
Member Elite

since 2002-06-07

Posts 3689
Moved from a shack to a barn

2 posted 2003-08-10 10:51 PM

This is very very good. The wonderful imagery leaves little doubt.

~wranx

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

3 posted 2003-08-11 01:33 AM

Ahhh yess... I think this is a lot better... much tighter with the imagery and much more consistent with itself. Congratulations on writing something dark that stayed dark from start to finish.

You're good at revisions, able to change the words without changing what's behind the words. I tip my hat in envy and adoration.

Brian

Faith is a fine invention
When gentlemen can see
But microscopes are prudent
In an emergency.
~~~Emily Dickinson

Allysa

Senior Member

since 1999-11-09

Posts 1952
In an upside-down garden

4 posted 2003-08-11 04:11 PM

Yay for me... *throws self a party*

I was looking at the smilies and I saw this one

and I thought of our discussion last night *wink wink* and it made me laugh... tee-hee.

So, I'm glad you like this and I have to say that I am rather pleased with it myself. I think that it is tons better than the other one.. I am actually rather pleased that you think I am good at revisions.. Sadly, the chocolate malt creme coffee at starbucks is calling my name.. but I am glad you like this..

later,
'lyss

bsquirrel

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-01-03

Posts 7855

5 posted 2003-08-11 04:15 PM

Hey, Allysa. I really enjoyed the poem, though I never saw the old version, so I'm treating this as a first-time read.

You had some wonderful lines in there -- especially the tunnels, the soap slipping away, the fog -- but also some confusions. Let me go through some of this.

She presses her nose against a window,
her breath leaves a layer of fog
in the artic touch of winter
and she belives that maybe,
if she leaves an indent
they will remember her for who she was.

Indent is a confusing word choice here, as the poem sets up an image of a frosty winter window, but doesn't follow through. I wonder what "indent" means in this instance. Imprint, maybe?

Someone needs to grab her hand
pull her out of the frigid frost
but no one's willing to stick out their neck
to save a girl from the invisible,

I really enjoy this line, but if you're still talking about a frosty window, the "pull her out of the fragid frost" becomes a little like bathos, as the image seems strange -- I imagine someone pulling a girl through a window. Ouch.

not even an umbrella can keep out
the sugar coated rain in this world,
there are too many holes to cover up
and simply not enough plaster.

You should definitely save this stanza -- it's well-written and succinct. But I don't understand how rain can follow snow so quickly.

she wears the snow in her hair,
a crown adorning what remains
of a distressed and torn girl.

I love that.

Mike

Allysa

Senior Member

since 1999-11-09

Posts 1952
In an upside-down garden

6 posted 2003-08-11 04:33 PM

Since Starbucks is coming to me.. (I have a messenger boy... ooo.) I decided I wanted to reply to your reply, Mike.  Is it okay if I call you Mike?

The first thing you pointed out was the indent thing.  This time, indent does mean imprint.

Throughout this entire thing, there is the image of the window, but also, I think there is something else, something deeper.  Like the window is only the beginning, and what lies beneath is cold and dark.  It is possible that the window being the beginning of the problems is what makes this confusion make sense to me, I dunno if it does or not.

The rain following snow so quickly is something I cannot explain.  I guess I just overlooked that when I was rewriting this.  Hmm.. maybe I will rewrite it over again.  Only time will tell..

Later.

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