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Poet deVine

Administrator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-05-26

Posts 22612
Hurricane Alley

0 posted 2003-07-06 09:18 PM

I watch you hold her hand
As she tells you about her day
You concentrate on her words
You listen to what she has to say

You touch her cheek for no reason
she smiles with a secret voice
Of all the women who wanted you
She was your only choice

I hunger for the love she has
It’s something I’ve never shared
Just once to feel secure and loved
As though someone really cared

Tears mark a trail of heartache
On my cheeks in lonely traces
I turn away so I won’t see
Love shining on your faces

suthern

Member Seraphic

since 1999-07-29

Posts 20723
Louisiana

1 posted 2003-07-06 09:22 PM

I know this one all too well, lady... you've written those tears perfectly. *S*

Jamie
Member Elite

since 2000-06-26

Posts 3168
Blue Heaven

2 posted 2003-07-06 10:53 PM

~sniff~

Skyfire

Member Elite

since 2000-12-27

Posts 3381
Riding

3 posted 2003-07-07 08:52 PM

Been there...

Skyfire owns you - Stinky Twinky

Mysteria

Member Laureate

since 2001-03-07

Posts 18328
British Columbia, Canada

4 posted 2003-07-07 11:27 PM

Is this the "been there line?" cause if it is you wrote my past pain all too well. What a great poem - I'm keeping this behind my crock that says, "Ashes of Past Husbands."

timothysangel1973

Senior Member

since 2001-12-03

Posts 1725
Never close enough

5 posted 2003-07-08 07:27 AM

I loved this one Sharon!

You are looking into many souls with this one.

LoveBug

Moderator

Member Elite

since 2000-01-08

Posts 4697

6 posted 2003-07-10 09:06 PM

Been there, done that too many times. I like how you are so honest with this one, it's easy for many of us to relate to. All the poetry stuff, structure, meter, esc.. are all perfect as well.

Oh, make me Thine forever
And should I fainting be
Lord, let me never ever
Outlive my love for Thee

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

7 posted 2003-07-13 03:41 PM

Love is too often a result of people not looking deep enough. Most of the time when I see it shining on people's faces I just turn my nose up to it. Haha, I'm such a jerk... nevermind...

I'd say you're not one to settle, and that's why love is still pending for you--because you're looking for something genuine, for "truth" as you said earlier.  That's going to get you where you want to be, rest assured.

One of the things I like most about this poem is the meter.  How in the last line you put the word "Love" out of your meter scheme, to let it stick out and force the reader to land heavily on that syllable.  It really made the word stick out, which I think is effective use of meter.  Me, I haven't gotten past using meter just for the sake of flow.  What can I say?  I'm just a kid.

Great writing, Sharon... please don't worry about whether or not you'll find love.  It's something very special, but you already have much more than most people do.  Be happy.

Much love,
Brian

Poets are the unacknowledged legislators of the world.
~Percy Bysshe Shelley

Sven

Member Laureate

since 1999-11-23

Posts 14937
East Lansing, MI USA

8 posted 2003-07-14 01:33 AM

I know this. . .and, while I know that your work doesn't always reflect your life. . . this one just seems to have that voice. . .you know??

great work. . . I miss it. . .

------------------------------------------------------------

I'm tired of pretending I don't love you. . . --Travis Tritt

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