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Lovers on a Winter Walk, or Finding a Body in the Woods
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Lovers on a Winter Walk, or Finding a Body in the Woods |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855
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Snow's cold light intense as knives. Our breaths balloon away from us. Moonlit shade and streaming shapes over the ground's icy crust. Black tree glass. Frosted paths. Your eyes are gray-green stony lights. From your sight I see myself. Words wait in your wine-red mouth. |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
Oh, I like... let me read it once more in topic-review. I would have liked more description of the lover/dead body, but otherwise, interesting notion... I especially like "breaths balloon away from us," and that double-meaning about loss of breath (the dead body simply dies and the person discovering it is breathless from shock). I like the poetic rings of this one more than your coffee poem, but think the duality isn't so nicely exaggerated as it was in the coffee one... oh well... each has its own merits. Personally I like this one more, maybe because it didn't catch me off guard and cause me to mourn the loss of a beautiful love poem...  Parasite "Faith" means the will to avoid knowing what is true. |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
Glad you enjoyed, LP. See, to me "My love" was about codependence more than love. My best love poem (and one that won $50 some time back) is "A kiss (tears and sadness optional)" I've never come close since at describing a relationship, probably because that poem was written right after a break-up, and was meant for a girl who had been a friend whom I had started falling in love with (Lori). |
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wranx Member Elite
since 2002-06-07
Posts 3689Moved from a shack to a barn |
Squirrel dude. Love AND fifty bucks? Don't get much better. Nice one Mikey Ed |
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pagethatwritesme Junior Member
since 2002-07-13
Posts 14 |
as i think of most of your stuff, i think the same with this: when i read aloud and to myself it sounds alright, the sound of it, but completely lacks in any sort of clarity. basically, the words sound good together but mean absolutely nothing to me. and i fail to see what the last half of the title has to do with anything in the piece. cliches' and abstractions are bad bad things. in all sincerity, sorry i couldn't be more positive about it. page ~~~~~ "a pretty girl never lights her own cigarette." |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
Thanks for your non-constructive comments, page. I'll be sure to ignore them. Thanks for readin'! |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
An interesting poem and one that's set up so that it can be read from so many different perspectives. Your introductory lines: Snow's cold light intense as knives. Our breaths balloon away from us. " do a great job at setting up an image that is both morbid and all too typical of winter nights. The river-like imagery in the next stanza is well done: Moonlit shade and streaming shapes over the ground's icy crust. The next portion is also fascinating, with its comparison between two very different images: Black tree glass. Frosted paths. Your eyes are gray-green stony lights. The last line there can be taken either as conveying a sense of beauty or a morbid image, with the grey-green stones. Finally, the poem ends with a fascinating climax: From your sight I see myself. Words wait in your wine-red mouth. The ending is quite haunting and the last line gives the reader a sense of unwanted resignation. All in all, a very cool poem and one that will be going into my library. "If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh" |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
Glad you enjoyed, fractal. You see, I had just seen David Lynch's Blue Velvet the previous evening, and its duality affected me. |
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