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I cried for you
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I cried for you |
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LoveBug
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-01-08
Posts 4697
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Could a mod please close this one? I don't really want it up. Thanks  |
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| © Copyright 2002 Erica N. - All Rights Reserved | |||
Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
The last two lines are iambic tetrameter. SEE?? You're a natural, you can't get away from it.  This is one of those personal poems, but I'm going to keep in key with the philosophy of Sanctuary and give some structural comments anyways. First of all, I think you brought up the whole "I went out tonight" thing a bit too late in the poem. By then I was comfortable with the abstract, non-physical content of the poem. Then you changed it to a description of visual event, from a description of mental state, and that bothered me. I think you should have strayed from the description of state a little more gradually. Maybe describe your physical state first, and use that to move into physical event... You gotta remember to keep your poems unified... if you start out one way, make a shift into the other, not a jump... a shift. Thanks for posting this here. I wouldn't have expected you to post something like this in the sanctuary, but that's fine... it's a sanctuary... hugs all around. I would offer you comfort but that would be something you would read tomorrow. You're asleep right now.Dream sweetly, Erica. And wake up smiling. Parasite Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored. |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
I agree with what Parasite said regarding structure. There's a great poem waiting to burst out of this, and I think it begins with the following line: Time flows by, I’m sure. Phew, that's just ..... wow. Mike |
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