Something I wanted to share with you guys

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Dee
Member Elite

since 2000-08-19

Posts 2330
Queensland, Australia

0 posted 2002-02-05 05:49 AM

A Philosophical Journey.

Seven horsemen, riding tall,
Compassion leading the way.
Hope constantly by his side,
his companion night and day.
Truth riding up next, alone,
not needing any support.
Trust will always follow Truth
A lifelong cohort.
Hand in hand, inseparable,
Love and Beauty follow on,
leading the way for one more...
the end result of Freedom.

I was told this doesn't read right. I'm not so sure of it now.
I would like a couple of opinions but I don't want to put it in Crit.
And thanks for the help with it Eddie

Dee

I wish you every happiness and may you always have the best of the good things in life. a brand

[This message has been edited by Dee (02-05-2002 06:01 AM).]

Janet Marie
Member Laureate

since 2000-01-22

Posts 18554

1 posted 2002-02-05 08:21 AM

Seven horsemen, riding tall,
Compassion leading the way.
Hope constantly by his side,
his companion night and day.
Truth riding up next, alone,
not needing any support.
Trust will always follow Truth
A lifelong cohort.
Hand in hand, inseparable,
Love and Beauty follow on,
leading the way for one more...
the end result of Freedom.
=================================

Hey groovy girl

youve got some really cool lines in this...
I love the truth and trust line ...
the first half of the poem reads well and the cadence and flow work...when I got to line 8 is where my reading lost its pace...
I think that line needs just a few more syllables.
The next lines are fine cadence wise...till the last line...I think it also ends a bit too abruptly..and part of the problem is the rhyming of "on" and Freedom" is a little forced, but its "do-able" if you can get your cadence back on the last line.
Or maybe try something like:
Love and Beauty are next to come,
Freedom is one of those hard to rhyme exact words...so you have to go with a similar sound. My hoosier St.Lou accent may not read the same as someone elses

Read it aloud and listen to the beat of your words.
I love the theme of this and your message.
hope this helps

good luck girlie-girl..ya cant go wrong with an Eagle poet-sir helping ya

You speak to me in riddles and you speak to me in rhymes.
My body aches to breathe your breath ... your words keep me alive.

~Sarah McLachlan~

Irish Rose
Member Patricius

since 2000-04-06

Posts 10263

2 posted 2002-02-05 09:24 AM

the end result makes it a fabulous poem hon.

Kathleen--(Kay)
"When red-haired girls scamper like roses over the rain-green grass, and the sun drips honey."
Laurie Lee

Dee
Member Elite

since 2000-08-19

Posts 2330
Queensland, Australia

3 posted 2002-02-05 03:38 PM

Thanks for that Janet. I will do a bit of a fiddle with those lines and see how I go.

Kay, glad you saw what I was trying to say. I wasn't really sure myself. lol

Dee

I wish you every happiness and may you always have the best of the good things in life. a brand

Poet deVine

Administrator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-05-26

Posts 22612
Hurricane Alley

4 posted 2002-02-06 11:35 AM

I think Janet has some good points....this is very good though!

Jamie
Member Elite

since 2000-06-26

Posts 3168
Blue Heaven

5 posted 2002-02-07 07:44 PM

Other than the things JM noted,,

quote:
Seven horsemen, riding tall,
Compassion leading the way.
Hope constantly by his side,
his companion night and day.

If compassion is leading the way-- hope can't really be by his side-- but if this is the picture you want to present, it can be overlooked---- and if you keep it- i would suggest losing the two "his"--they are too close together-- maybe instead substitute--

hope constantly alongside
a companion night and day.

you might even put an adjective in front of companion---

a very nice piece Dee-- I enjoyed it.

There is society where none intrudes, by the deep sea, and music in its roar.
byron

Dee
Member Elite

since 2000-08-19

Posts 2330
Queensland, Australia

6 posted 2002-02-07 11:09 PM

Thanks Jamie. I think that a leader can have someone by their side and still be the one leading. I guess that is just personal interpretation.
As for the other comments, I will look at them and see what changes I come up with. Thanks a lot.

Dee

I wish you every happiness and may you always have the best of the good things in life. a brand

Alicat
Member Elite

since 1999-05-23

Posts 4094
Coastal Texas

7 posted 2002-02-13 05:24 PM

Dee, this is really an interesting read, and one I like a bit more each time I read it. It kinda reminds me a bit (small bit) of James Thurber's 'The Wonderful O'. Thank you for posting this one.

Alicat

Dee
Member Elite

since 2000-08-19

Posts 2330
Queensland, Australia

8 posted 2002-02-13 06:49 PM

Ali, this was just something I thought when I watched seven riders coming over the bridge towards my house.
Tell me what is James Thurber's 'The Wonderful O'? I have not heard of it.

Dee

I wish you every happiness and may you always have the best of the good things in life. a brand

Alicat
Member Elite

since 1999-05-23

Posts 4094
Coastal Texas

9 posted 2002-02-14 09:34 AM

It's hard to explain without giving too much away. Check your local library for Thurber, one of America's noted satirists.

BTW, thanks for the inspiration to this poem. It's interesting how some things or events trigger that Muse Muscle, eh? And, if possible, that image serves to strengthen the poem.

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