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wornways
Member

since 2001-10-18

Posts 204
CA, USA

0 posted 2001-12-22 01:23 PM

Broken

They are simply flattered dreams;
Hopeless hollow pattered dreams.

Empty promise shining dim,
Bound in scope of plattered dreams.

Built to create ease from pain,
Doomed to form dark mattered dreams.

Became they hope's cornerstone,
Bleak and absurd scattered dreams.

Jagged ripping shards cut deep
On great field of shattered dreams.

Ravaged hearts lost in despair
Long hold onto tattered dreams.

Release binding grip, Zahaar,
Upon broken battered dreams.

Irish Rose
Member Patricius

since 2000-04-06

Posts 10263

1 posted 2001-12-22 01:55 PM

The best thing about dreams is putting them back together again. It's a sweet victory!

Kathleen (Kay)
"When red-haired girls scamper like roses over the rain-green grass, and the sun drips honey."
Laurie Lee

Allan Riverwood

Member Elite

since 2001-01-04

Posts 3502
Winnipeg

2 posted 2001-12-22 02:06 PM

I'm very impressed with the extended rhyme you used...  a triple-rhyme?  I've never seen that before, and I'm glad to have gotten the chance to.

First of all, I imagine this was difficult to write and still make sense of.  You did a great job of that first off, everything is very sensical and there's nothing out of place, everything fits into the poem.  You obviously didn't simply struggle to squeeze any words in anywhere.

In the first couplet, you start off with some great meter, it's almost in iambs/trochees (I can't decide, because in both cases you start or end with a half-foot).  But later on in the poem you defy that a little bit, probably because you didn't intend to have a meter scheme?  I think the first line sort of teases the reader into expecting the scheme to go throughout the poem, and that's one thing I didn't like here.

I don't know who Zahaar is... could you clarify that please?

For all us not-so-well-read individuals? Thanks!

Well this poem is somewhat brief, but let me say, I am very impressed with it and I'll be keeping my eye on your postings in this forum.

Until your next,

~Allan

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