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Open Poetry #17
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Of Lakes and Loss
| Open Poetry #17 |
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Of Lakes and Loss |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704
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November is a sickly month Once, it was my favourite. Urging into warmth, my bare feet on the cool grass, waiting for summer. I prefer April now. There are five photos of her, scattered. She stares miserably from the wall, 5 years old in black and white, holding in tantrum-tears. She grins from my windowsill – cheekily four. On the VCR, surrounded by mountain trees at Dawson Falls, she turns to look over her shoulder, glaring in surprise at the camera. I think she wanted to be alone, then. I sit with her, in a tiny frame, some years ago – we both smile. She wasn’t so ill, not so nearly frail and diseased. The cherished one of her at 19 rests on my drawers. She is a bridesmaid and her skin is porcelain. She is remarkable, a beauty, a belle. She wears a huge sunflower hat, her hair is black. People flatter me when they suggest I look like her; she’s unmatchable. Last week, she threw herself into a lake. Perhaps to drown, or to reach for an attention, a sympathy, that could set right the wasteland of her life. Her heart is so weak, and her mind hasn’t yet recovered from the haemorrhage – of yet another November. The nurse kindly explained how important it is not to sympathise – she’ll only do it again. I picture her, sodden in a lake, weekly. I want to whisper how unfair it is, how October should slide straight into December. I want to carry her back to her bridesmaid dress, and return the white, soft skin of her cheeks. This isn’t how life should be, the breezes smile, but it is. 3.12.01 |
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| © Copyright 2001 Kamla Mahony - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Oh Severn...you write life...and you do it so very, very well... it's been a long time, little one, since I've seen something from you. I didn't realize how thirsty I was... |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Thanks Mama K. As always you support me...hold me up somehow.. I'm so glad you're here you know..  K |
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SmartChick Member Rara Avis
since 2001-09-23
Posts 7081On A Journey To The Unknown |
This is so sad. |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
sometimes, I sit to think: there are no rules to how life should be or not, it simply IS, and we make of it what we must... sometimes I sit and think, why the heck am I thinking? sometimes, I jeer myself sometimes, I praise myself it is never: all or never  what a paradox...oh! i am rambling on without making any sense ... this was a wonderful poem... the tenses are tho' sometimes confusing, but, maybe it is me... or maybe you wanted them to be so... Regards to you, my friend, Kamla Sudhir |
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Kit McCallum
Administrator
Member Laureate
since 2000-04-30
Posts 14774Ontario, Canada |
Oh Kamla ... this is so powerfully emotive. You drew me into this so deeply, that I think I could hear my own heart break. Tender, flowing, questioning, and so very well written. Best wishes and big hugs  /Kit |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
There are five photos of her, scattered. She stares miserably from the wall, 5 years old in black and white, holding in tantrum-tears. She grins from my windowsill – cheekily four. On the VCR, surrounded by mountain trees at Dawson Falls, she turns to look over her shoulder, glaring in surprise at the camera. I think she wanted to be alone, then. I sit with her, in a tiny frame, some years ago – we both smile. She wasn’t so ill, not so nearly frail and diseased. The cherished one of her at 19 rests on my drawers. She is a bridesmaid and her skin is porcelain. She is remarkable, a beauty, a belle. She wears a huge sunflower hat, her hair is black. People flatter me when they suggest I look like her; she’s unmatchable. ========================================= The imagery that you have wrapped around the emotions are so well defined, that I see the photos, you transported me to the room. I'm so impressed by the whole impact of the poem that all I can do is shake my head and read again. I know you like critique (and they are hard to get in here anymore) but sometimes...some poems are so special... or perhaps touch the reader in places so deep that critique wont show the respect intended. To me this is one of those poems Outstanding write Kamla. take care, jm Sprayed across my heart and hers danced butterflies in the wild. This angel, this woman, who loves me with the innocence of a child. DeVante' [This message has been edited by Janet Marie (edited 12-06-2001).] |
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095 |
Sweet Butterfly Your poem is so sad and touching it moved me to tears Hon, you've reached in and squeezed my heart and now I ache.... I ache to hold you love, to comfort you. It's great to read you again I miss you! Mmy |
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LngJhnAg Member Elite
since 1999-07-23
Posts 3508Boot+Kitty=Poetry in motion |
Kamla - This is written so well, and so poignantly sad. You are well, I hope, and your life is strong enogh to carry the waif, I pray. Well done, Kamla. |
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sodpossom Senior Member
since 2001-06-15
Posts 723N.C |
Very sad and heartfelt!Well done! |
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Carol Luna Member
since 2001-12-06
Posts 55 |
This is a fine writing. I can tell you know what you are doing and you did it well! Carol Luna |
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Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
Kamla! Babe!   You know Serenity and I were just talking about you a while ago? You haven't been forgotten on these forums, you and that impact you always make by tearing poems to pieces!  Yeah, I missed you too, although I never read a single shred of your poetry. You always had a fun sense of humour, remember the cheese thread? Well yeah, the point is, it's great to have you back at last, posting poetry. I wonder if this happened to you, or if it was just a narrative poem? If it happened to you, I sympathize and commend you on writing it so well (considering writing of traumatic events is more difficult than of fictional ones). If you created it, then kudos... it's a very good concept, so sorrowful and heartbreaking. And it ends so unfullfillingly, leaves the reader hanging. That's a good effect. Critiques? Let's see what we can't come up with... Well, a few things stuck out in my mind. The beginning of the poem was definitely brilliant, an excellent way to begin the poem. The isolation of "I prefer April now" outlines its importance, and gives room for expansion on the idea. That was a good technique.  "I think she wanted to be alone, then." I don't like how "then" sounds, for some reason... maybe because it robs "wanted to be alone" of the chance to be the concluding few words. Also, "then" is just a single word, and it doesn't do enough justice to its importance. "I think she wanted to be alone" is too vague to stand alone, but you could add a "maybe" after "I think"? I don't know exactly how to describe what I mean, or how to remedy it at all, but I hope you get my drift. Just a suggestion of course, I don't feel that this idea is all that important. You put a "--" where a period should be, in a few places. A period would pace the poem better than a simple "--" would. Stanza five has too many sentences that begin with "she." "Diseased." Why did you put that away from the rest of the stanza? It didn't deserve solitude as a word, in my opinion, because you are saying she was NOT so diseased, at least, in the time that you are referring to with the stanza. Isolation of the word brings attention to it, when the word, independently, is a fallacy in the stanza. If you did this to be ironic, that's fine I suppose, but I personally don't think that irony is worth the nonsensical attention given to the single word. You do a good job with putting some words onto the next lines, stressing their importance somewhat, and the only errors that really stuck out and grabbed me were the ones in how you spaced and formatted the poem. "Weekly," for example, says a lot by standing on its own. It stresses the word. The last line was a good idea, but it was an unusually worded sentence, don't you agree? "This isn’t how life should be, the breezes smile, but it is." Now I know what it's saying and I like it, but "the breezes smile" is a statement in and of itself, personifying breezes dead center of a sentence that says "This isn't how life should be, but it is." I don't think it's necessary, and properly I'd imagine it would be "This isn't how life should be, the breezes smiling, but it is." Or something to that effect. Well, that's just a little amateur analysis of the poem's structure, and some of my own personal points... no need to take it seriously, by any means whatsoever... I really, truly enjoyed this poem. It was sorrowful, and myseriously inconclusive. The ending leaves the reader hanging in a state of worry. Excellent work, Kamla. Welcome home.  ~Allan "I know it's nice to be known - It caresses your ego - but the society cost is terrible." ~Vangelis [This message has been edited by Allan Riverwood (edited 12-06-2001).] |
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Madame Chipmunk Member Rara Avis
since 2001-12-05
Posts 8296Michigan |
Very sad and very beautifully written, Kamla....is this about a friend, a sister, a child? I have tears running down my face after reading it..... It is so very sad in it's beauty   Lyra |
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Seymour Tabin Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720Tamarac Fla |
Kamla, An excellent and wonderful write. I've missed your posting. *L* |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
Severn, I will come back to comment on the poem a bit later, but wanted to send my condolences to you and all New Zealanders for the tragic loss of your beloved sailor, Sir Peter Blake. He was an inspiration to many, not just to those who love to sail, but for anyone wanting to follow a dream. [This message has been edited by Midnitesun (edited 12-06-2001).] |
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Shou-Lao Junior Member
since 2001-10-12
Posts 48 |
A very well written piece, you’ve managed to do what I normally only dream about – you captured a moment so completely and conveyed it picture perfect. I am impressed and slightly jealous |
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Corinne Member Ascendant
since 1999-10-28
Posts 5167state of confusion |
This is so, so poignant, straight from your heart to ours. Wishing you peace. Cor |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
The ache in your heart is felt in every line of this poem, K. Hold on. Breathe. It will get better. We're here for you any time you need us. |
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Enchantress Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113Canada eh. |
Kamla, I don't believe a piece has ever moved me as much as this one since coming to Passions in August. Your imagery and manner of speech is incredible. I'm going back for another read, and this one is definately a keeper. ~hugs, Nancy~ "A dream is a wish your heart makes..." |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Hi everyone...where to begin, how to say thanks for all the sincere wonderful replies to my poem. A giant: THANK YOU will be a start. For those who don't know this is a true story about my mother. She's very ill physically and mentally, and has been for years. Sometimes it all gets a bit much for her - and for me. Anyway...some personal things: Smart Chick - first time I've 'met' you. Hi Yes, it is sad. Writing helps to deal with it - and the support here as well.Suddy - lol. Screwed up tenses. lol. Actually, nothing was intentional with this poem - it all just came out you know. In time I will revise it, I guess. As always - love hearing from you my friend. Kit - thank you, sweety. You're so encouraging...hugs gratefully accepted. Jm - well that means a lot you know. I actually wanted to write ~no crits please~ at the bottom but thought that would just contradict all that I am about HAHA...(sorry Allan hehe). Thanks dear - you've touched me. Mmy - ~sniff~ ~weep~ I miss you too. And I just want to curl up next to you and cry. Ok? So get on a plane NOW lol. Thanks dear friend. Long John - thank you and nice to hear from you I always, like most of us, find the strength to carry on. Possum - thank you Carol - hey, welcome to passions...know what I'm doing? That's debatable lol Thank you for taking the time to reply...Allan - hahaha...you made me smile and I think I really needed that. My rep as the cruel critiquer huh? Nice to see it's still standing ROTF. Like I said to Suddy - will revise it sometime and I really do appreciate the suggestions...was a bit stuck on the breezes smiling but I wanted to convey the heartlessness in a month I once found comforting. A personification of those breezes made them seem...unconcerned...well, I thought so lol. Thanks you... Madame Chipmunk - another person I don't know..I'm so out of touch these days...a belated welcome to passions...I'm glad you enjoyed... Sy - and I miss you old friend...thanks for reading...hugs Midnite - oh yes, I only found out about an hour ago - it's awful isn't it??? I still can't believe it. I'm really touched by your concern, and appreciate your very kind words...NZ will be in mourning. Shou - lol...been there...felt that. I'm impressed you think that you know. I certainly don't see my writing that way - we all keep learning and growing. Read my early stuff - cringe... Thank you for your words...Cor - thanks..peace would be nice right about now...hugs to you Sharon - I know you're there, and that helps with the breathing process you know? Love you, I do. Enchantress - wow. What can I say. I'm honoured, I really am. Thank you. hugs to all K |
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Sven
since 1999-11-23
Posts 14937East Lansing, MI USA |
hey K. . . you don't really know how much you've been missed. . . I know that I can always count on you for writing from the soul, true in form, and deep in thought. . . this is no exception. . . you communicate the feelings of loss and love here very well. . . stuck in one place. . . but, wanting to move. . . not knowing where. . . wondering if time could move back. . . if the lake could be any shallower. . . *sigh*. . . too many emotions here. . . and yet, you show them all. . . --------------------------------------------------------- To the world, you may only be one person. But to one person, you may be the world. |
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Hypnosis Member
since 2001-12-02
Posts 325CO |
Such a sad poem Severn. Life is precious, and we should all recognize the value of it. Good work, this is the first write ive seen from you, but i look to see more of your posts! Randy Meador a life lived unexplored is a life not worth living. |
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Duncan Member Ascendant
since 2001-08-07
Posts 5455 |
An incredibly effective piece. All the more amazing given it's reality. |
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JamesMichael Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336Kapolei, Hawaii, USA |
Excellent writing...James |
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Jamie Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168Blue Heaven |
this isn't how life should be echoes of many voices mine among them and I added this isnt how life should end as I watched my father's last breath enter his diseased body and years after watching my mother's breathing being done for her I said them again and that time it didnt end I saw her today and when I see her tomorrow I will think of you and your mother But for now I will just pray for a fair breeze across the land of the long white cloud . . . hk>lk . . . There is society where none intrudes, by the deep sea, and music in its roar. |
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Elizabeth
Moderator
Member Ascendant
since 1999-06-07
Posts 6871Minnesota |
I don't have any critique here, I'm not much of a critiquer and besides I loved reading this poem. Hugs to you.... I'm saving this one. God bless America, my home sweet home. |
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Jamie Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168Blue Heaven |
library  There is society where none intrudes, by the deep sea, and music in its roar. |
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Startime Member Ascendant
since 2000-10-03
Posts 5918Canada |
*sigh* filled with the realities of life that break my heart. Tears flowed freely as I read this poem. **hugs** Love I leave with you whether it is in your life now or yet the essense of your dreams. |
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Jamie Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168Blue Heaven |
I noticed I never did really say how much I like this. This one is deserving of a Satpsych JThere is society where none intrudes, by the deep sea, and music in its roar. |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
Kamla--I'm so glad you posted this..it is a full of the tears that you pulled from loving and is tenderly wrapped around the memories of before. Hugs to you, my friend. |
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania |
This is Kamla's most sensitive being This is a beautiful heart full of love, that mourns for love This is writing at its best An exquisitly touching piece of poetry My arms reach halfway round the world to warm your heart LOve you Liz |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Wow... came back to all these replies... Thank you everyone... Svenny - you're wonderful you know??? Jamie - you get to be wonderful too...and thank you for the poem. It means a lot. Lizzy - I miss you, second Mom. K |
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Mysteria
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
Kamla, you write life like no one can, and I commend you for the feelings you made me deal with in this poem. It was familiar to me your duties, and painful as well. It was also nice to hear of another who had gone through it. I am so sorry however that this has been your responsibility at such a young age. I wish your Mother knew just how much you truly love her, but then perhaps she does. Thank you for sharing a part of you with me. ~*~ May the spirit of this season live in your heart all year through ~*~ |
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amusemi Senior Member
since 2001-12-08
Posts 1262A State of Disarray |
What a write! I could feel the powerlessness of someone who is watching from the outside while a loved one wanders down a self-destructive path. Good job! |
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Jamie Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168Blue Heaven |
now if we could just get you to see how wonderful you are... . we miss you too. There is society where none intrudes, by the deep sea, and music in its roar. |
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Jamie Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168Blue Heaven |
January comes, and a new year and I wonder - are you still in November? There is society where none intrudes, by the deep sea, and music in its roar. |
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suthern
since 1999-07-29
Posts 20723Louisiana |
I can only echo Elizabeth - This is writing at its best. From reading all the comments, I know this is intensely personal... but with each picture, you drew the reader farther into her life and made us care more. You've superbly depicted a sorrow beyond imagination... my sympathy and admiration are both yours. |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
here it is. was trying to find this... it 'fits' with your recent one. i read this, when you posted it. i think i might have cried - cried! hugs |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
Chris, duh..you are so cheesy.. Severn, a chill came over my face as i read it...and i think this should be the highest compliment that i can pay someone since very few poems impress and touch me at the same time... it sounds lame, i know but... HUGS |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
library.. |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
okay, i think my comment was real lame but my Hugs weren't... i say HUGS again? |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
You'll probably never see this Kaile but I only just found your last reply - ROTF! Yer not lame....hope you're doing well mate... K |
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