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Open Poetry #17
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Threads in Chaos Lace
| Open Poetry #17 |
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Threads in Chaos Lace |
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Dusk Treader
Moderator
Senior Member
since 1999-06-18
Posts 1187St. Paul, MN 
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I'm playing around with poetry here and I don't really know how I'm doing. Any comments you can give me or technical advice would be appreciated. Tell me the goods and bads, or just the bads! LOL Threads in Chaos Lace Limitless vaults of life Pricked by golden lamps Sparkling, floating in twain, Solitaire or many camps Burning unheralded Imparting warmth in dark space Connecting Creation’s Lace Caressed by Black Winds Two vessels on shivered pinions Enticed to Fate’s Gravity Orbit in human compassions Facades crumbled ‘Neath gazes star spangled With angels entangled Tempestual friction Black Wind wailing Bends not life’s lace Molested vessels still sailing Swiftly through years Experiences in motley shades Of flames that never fades "A hard, cold wisom is required for goodness to accomplish good. Goodness without wisdom always accomplishes evil" - Robert Heinlein [This message has been edited by Dusk Treader (edited 11-29-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 Abrahm Simons - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Alwye
Moderator
Member Elite
since 1999-06-16
Posts 3850In the space between moments |
Very beautiful and heartfelt writing, my dear. I liked your image of the vessels and I especially liked the phrase " 'neath gazes star spangled, with angels entangled". As for a suggestion on how to improve, the only one I can offer is to make your first verse tie in more with the image of the two vessels struggling to make it through. I understand what you were going for, but it was a little confusing amongst the pretty images. Other than that, wonderful job my dear!  *Krista Knutson* |
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EagleScorpion Senior Member
since 2000-03-08
Posts 1644Here, Now, Forever |
well.. as far as giving you technical advice goes, I'm afriad I feel I'm not in the position to do so.. but as far as giving you praise for a well written poem goes, well.. I feel you did quite a good job |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
You just keep doing what you're doing...I'll keep reading and smiling.... got that? |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
I'm impressed Abe!! I'd like to see you do a love poem...simple and sweet!  |
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Sven
since 1999-11-23
Posts 14937East Lansing, MI USA |
first of all, this really needs to be read more. . . why it's only got four responses is beyond me. . . now, this is well done. . . I like the images that you've come up with here. . . "limitless vaults of life. . . " great opening. . . tells us what to look for, and where we're going. . . "connecting Creation's Lace". . . I like that line as well, lets us see it all as one woven piece. . . I just love the entire second stanza. . . it's one of the best descriptions I've read about two lives coming together from different places or "pinions". . . flowing and delicate. . . My only nit would be here. . . quote: why not try to make it read, "of flames that never fade", or "of a flame that never fades". . . whichever, I'd just like to see the tenses match. . . unless, you wrote it that way to make the rhythm match. . . Like I said, this needs to be read more. . . and so, I'm sending it back up along with a request that you write more like this, as deVine suggested. . .  ----------------------------------------------------------- To the world, you may only be one person. But to one person, you may be the world. [This message has been edited by Sven (edited 12-01-2001).] |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
"Caressed by Black Winds Two vessels on shivered pinions Enticed to Fate’s Gravity Orbit in human compassions Facades crumbled ‘Neath gazes star spangled With angels entangled" This is such creative love imagery! You just keep on "playing" with words, and I'll keep reading them. If I "tear it into tiny pieces" it will be so it's easier to cut and re-paste and re-submit it as if I wrote it myself. LOL, just kidding. I'm really not a pirate. I appreciate the unique, fresh imagery. |
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Startime Member Ascendant
since 2000-10-03
Posts 5918Canada |
This poem made me feel like I was drifting through someones life that has been filled with chaos and pain...amazing how I felt that many lessons were learned the hard way yet they all came together in the weaving of a life. I loved the way this poem made me think and feel. Very well done. **hugs**  Love I leave with you whether it is in your life now or yet the essense of your dreams. [This message has been edited by Startime (edited 12-01-2001).] |
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Dusk Treader
Moderator
Senior Member
since 1999-06-18
Posts 1187St. Paul, MN |
Wow, I've never received so many responses on a poem before Krista - Thank you my dear, I do see your point with the first verse, and I'll try to make the connection a little more visible. And those two lines especially, were written with you in mind  EagleScorpion - Thank you for your response. I'm glad you found it enjoyable Karilea - I got it, I'll keep writing until my pen is taken from me! Sharon - Thank you! Keep your eyes open for that love poem, LOLSven - Wow! Many thanks for your indepth review. I see the problem with the tenses, and I'll change that. Again my deepest thanks. Midnite Sun - I'll keep playing with my words, I'm glad you think the imagery is unique, that certainly makes me happy Startime - It seems that my poem evoked exactly the images I wanted too. I'm glad that you enjoyed it "A hard, cold wisom is required for goodness to accomplish good. Goodness without wisdom always accomplishes evil" - Robert Heinlein |
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