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Open Poetry #16
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Agony of Autumn's Greet--attention Nan, please critique
| Open Poetry #16 |
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Agony of Autumn's Greet--attention Nan, please critique |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738
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It is the time to gather seed, as winds blow brisk, from Northwest. A garden dies beneath the weeds, as now, my tears, replace my sweat. I pray that it will be enough-- a sorrow's flood upon the soil, to overflow from salt-rimmed cup, and loose this clay, 'pon which, I toil. An agony of Autumn's greet-- a gaze upon a gray cloud sky... still, I welcome sweet reprieve, while plucking flowers that have died. The ground is wet with my regret. Next spring, I'll plant the best one yet. |
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| © Copyright 2001 serenity blaze - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Logan Senior Member
since 2001-05-28
Posts 1641Arkansas |
Ahh, Serenity, I see we are in a Fall mood..very gentle smile, but then, Spring doest come around and you WILL have the best one yet |
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Honeybee Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-26
Posts 5372Ontario, CANADA |
So well expressed! The rhyme, flow and message is perfect. I relate very much so to your words. Take care, Melissa~ "Poetry is not an opinion expressed... |
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Masked Intruder
Moderator
Senior Member
since 1999-05-23
Posts 1231Near golden sunsets |
well, ya got the rhyme scheme wonderful, but you'll have to wait for nan to tell ya bout the meter, cuz my feet get kind confused once in a while. lovely images, lovely sage |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
you turned one of my fave poem of yours into a sonnet... WAAAYYY COOOOL  Ive always loved this poems theme. it feels almost like a freind is dying when our hard worked gardens are lost to winter... I weep for my roses and tomatoes too.. and my Geraniums...Zinnias ...yaddayadda  We're all feeding our lonely ... like it might go away, |
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Twilight Myst Member
since 2001-10-04
Posts 58Just A Myst At Twilight |
I love the rhyming flow to this... Very nice!! |
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LngJhnAg Member Elite
since 1999-07-23
Posts 3508Boot+Kitty=Poetry in motion |
Sweet Serenity - Do you know what I love about this poem? I started to read it quickly, as I would a novel, but the rhythm broke down and I lost the sense of the poem. So, I started over and read each line slowly, savoring every word, and the rhythm and rhyme sprang out wonderfully. I think that's the mark of a great poem, the integrity of the flow cannot be impeached by the style of the reader. This poem very well written! |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
I haven't looked to see if Nan has critiqued, but she better be careful, for I think this is wonderful, and stands alone... tears and all. Well done, Serene one! |
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The Lady of Shallot Senior Member
since 2001-10-03
Posts 818USA |
I'm very impressed, this is quite excellent! |
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SmittenKitten Senior Member
since 2001-06-20
Posts 1131where the sky and horizon meet |
Serenity~ When I grow up, I want to be as talented as you!  although when I read your poems, I know I'm only dreaming to become that good This was outstanding....into my library it goes for future amazement  Hugs, ~Krista  Your beautiful words & creativity allow me to connect with the same in myself. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Wow....this is a repost due to celebrate the season---but I thank you all. And Nan? If you are reading? Sharon (PdV sharon) had a great idea for the Pip club room---perhaps we could have you READ for us...as you know I have trouble with iambic pentameter, etc. And all that /./././ stuff doesn't translate for me---but I am off in a rush, (festival this weekend--WORK WORK WORK ) but perhaps we can hook up when I am hungover!  to  |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
All righty then - You ask for it, you got it...  You've incorporated a Shakespearean/English rhyme scheme - That's a-b-a-b-c-d-c-d-e-f-e-f-g-g. You've taken a little bit of poetic license to your quill by rhyming a bit loosely in a couple of places (lines 2&4, 5&7, and 9&10), but it still works well. You've developed a good theme - Autumn may be taking over, but you'll spring back with all your might!! Your meter is iambic tetrameter. That's a pattern of four metric feet of short-long stresses in your syllable structure. Standard meter for a sonnet is iambic pentameter, or five metric feet with an iambic stress sequence. Contemporary sonneteers do frequently choose this deviation from the norm, however. The only lines I see that can't be read comfortably in iambic tetrameter are lines 2 and 11. I've taken the liberty of readjusting those two lines below. Just a matter of keeping your stresses in check... Nice job, Karen....  quote: |
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Mysteria
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
Oh my! I thought that your poem was absolutely fantastic Karen, and have absolutely no idea what Nan is talking about I guess that is what separates the poets from the poetic - oh well, I may never write again, but I loved it just kidding - oh brother, after reading that I wonder what it is that I write now I just loved that poem, loved it! And Nan, do me a favor remember to read on mine about critiques "no thanks" ~I always have time to listen to someone talking from their heart~ |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Thanks to all, but most especially of course...MizzNancy...grin I wish I could say I understood what you said, but alas, little miss rock and roll has been done in by has-been bands t'nite (Jim Dandy got fat, but Foghat still rocks, even tho they sound like they are cover bands of themselves) and I STILL say I need to HEAR the meter to understand, (that's assuming that my ears are not damaged beyond repair)*cough*cough* sigh...aspirin, yeah...FOUR OF EM...and WATER (hold the scotch) and m'gawd...it's been awhile since I've had my blouse tugged down by a biker....it's been a looonnnnnnnnnnnnng nite. *hic* I'll rethink this all tomorrow! thanks all...(serenity exits, wearing "sylvester" slippers and feeling very old....) [This message has been edited by serenity (edited 10-07-2001).] |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
QUOTING NAN: "Your meter is iambic tetrameter. That's a pattern of four metric feet of short-long stresses in your syllable structure. Standard meter for a sonnet is iambic pentameter, or five metric feet with an iambic stress sequence." ====================================== HUH???????????????? Speak English baby...ENGLISH  *sigh* no wonder me muse runs off....shes "stressed"  Now we know why they pay her the big bucks..shes the TEACH *L* I'm sticking to the syllables I can count sonnets stress me out what is iambic meter give me tylenol |
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vlraynes Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-25
Posts 8229Somewhere... out there... |
serenity- I truly enjoyed this one, my friend. Very nicely penned. Hugs, ~Vicky "...until you have read the verse on his heart, |
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Elizabeth
Moderator
Member Ascendant
since 1999-06-07
Posts 6871Minnesota |
I think it's beautiful....Autumn is captured nicely here, as are your feelings. Well done.  God bless America, my home sweet home. |
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