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Open Poetry #16
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Waning
| Open Poetry #16 |
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Waning |
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wornways Member
since 2001-10-18
Posts 204CA, USA |
Waning Steadily their spirits fade in decay dying; In dull forlorn amaze I watch each stray dying. Gradually crushed beneath the load of worldly strife, Bereft of hope I see them day by day dying. With great weight in my chest I hear their hearts crying As lost they walk distressed in disarray dying. Instead of strive for deeper vibrancy of life, They let passions bedim and waste away dying. Peak of living should be gained exultant sighing In the end when imminent is our clay dying. Zahaar, may you bright shine utmost in spirit rife When your fallen form in final breath lay dying. |
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| © Copyright 2001 Erin A. Thomas - All Rights Reserved | |||
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The Lady of Shallot Senior Member
since 2001-10-03
Posts 818USA |
I loved your critique message, I always respond when moved to do so! And the form? well, let me say this. I always feel that when rhyming one should strive for perfection. In this poem, the word "dying" was used too much I think and it lost its meaning somewhere through the piece. I didn't have a clear picture of what it really meant. One thing I feel in poetry that really draws the reader into it is letting the nouns and verbs do the work. Make your sentences as sharp as steel with as few words as possible. No, nothing against long poems, not at all, but sometimes repetition takes away from the meaning of the piece. I sure hope this makes sense. Keep writing! -befriend yourself and you will never be alone- |
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wornways Member
since 2001-10-18
Posts 204CA, USA |
lady of shallot, yes the word 'dying' is used a lot. this is the nature of the ghazal. following is some information about what makes a ghazal a ghazal: what's a ghazal? so far as i understand, it is a form of poetry born of ancient persia. the first known ghazals are in excess of a few thousand years old. this style has been around a while. modern ghazals don't normally include all the elements of the traditional ghazal. after ticking off what makes a ghazal a traditional ghazal, i'll point out the elements that are usually present in a modern ghazal. 1) refrain repeated in line's one and two for the first couplet 2) second lines of every couplet end in the refrain 3) refrain may be a word or phrase 4) first and second lines of each couplet together complete a thought, but are each themselves independant thoughts. hence, a natural pause should occur at the end of the first line in the completion of the first half of the whole thought 5) each couplet stands alone as a complete poem. the idea is to make the ghazal like a pearl neckless, the necklace as a whole is striking, but each pearl may stand alone in its own beauty and completion of expression 6) every line throughout the poem uses the same sylabol count, or meter 7) the first line of each couplet beyond the first couplet does not 'require' end rhyme with either the second line or first lines from other couplets 8) rhyme occurs on the sylabol before each refrain between couplets and in both lines of the first couplet ... so if there are 15 couplets, there is one rhyme throughout the 15, this can get interesting. 9) to be a ghazal, the poem must contain between 5 and 15 couplets 10) the poet uses an alias to refer to in the first, second or third person in the final couplet as a sort of 'signature'. this alias may be the name of the poet or a psuedonym -- this is called the 'signature couplet'. traditional ghazals often use this couplet to open dialouge back to the writer of the ghazal ... so, the poet talks to her/him self. also, as there was no library of congress in ancient times, the signature couplet itself identified the poet this identifies the elements in a traditional ghazal. in modern ghazals, only the elements 5, 6, 7 and 9 are required. modern ghazals often do not make use of the refrain, or any rhyming scheme, but do tend to adhere to a sylabol count that is consistent between lines throughout the poem. well, this is the result of my research when i went to find out what i could. i've consulted with a plethora of sources and scratched out some of the inconsistencies in information. the above should be precisely the form for a traditional ghazal as can be written in english. hope you find this information useful. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Having read the form, then re-reading the poem, now takes it to a whole new level. I think I'm going to enjoy your work... |
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rwood Member Elite
since 2000-02-29
Posts 3793Tennessee |
Clearly an educated rhyme...that I had no idea of until you shed light  ...Thank you for doing so. You word usage is marvelous and the flow..even with repetitionseeks the importance of the word (dying)...until I read your explanation...not knowing of that form...I was unable to connect as thoroughly. A new moment in verse for me..which I'm always thrilled about. Sincerely, Regina It's all in the mind |
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Kit McCallum
Administrator
Member Laureate
since 2000-04-30
Posts 14774Ontario, Canada |
Oh my ... a wonderfully flowing poem, and an indepth response on form to get this mind working this morning. Very much enjoyed this post Wornways, thank you for the great information, and for the lovely read! Best wishes, /Kit |
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